The Matrix, Revisited

Where was I in 1999 when they released the first Matrix movie? That's right, I seem to recall now, I was locked in a dull gray cubicle - working on some meaningless IT related project, staring at my monitor, watching the pixels dance their endless somber march up and down, up and down - and then...

The phone rang.

Startled, my headphones came crashing down off my ears, taking those abnormally thick wire rim glasses with them. I peered at the phone with considerable trepidation; "who could it be, why we're they calling me, what had I done" I was thinking and then the damn thing rang again, and again - would it ever stop? Nervously, I picked up the icy plastic handset, my palm was sweating, my arm began to shake - "Hello, this is Steve, what can I do for you."

"Hello, Steve. I've been looking for you," the smooth almost surreal voice seemed to reach out from across some unimaginably great distance.

"What, who is this?" I shot back, with a cautious curiosity.

"You know who it is Steve, you've always known. Every time you've noticed something that didn't make sense, every time that you've felt the world just wasn't quite right - you've felt me, like a toothpick in your mind, I'm the Joe the Matrix guy." Then a hushed silence.

"Uh, umm, Joe, is that you?" So you mean that things like reality television, Ben Affleck and hairless dogs really aren't supposed to exist - I knew it..." No, no , this can't be happening" I stammered.

"Oh but it is happening, just as sure as your taxes are going to rise and that it snows in Alaska, yes the Matrix is real Steve. You must accept it." I could feel him smiling on the other end of the line - somehow I knew he was bald, how did I know that?

"Ok, ok, I have been wondering about something Joe, what is the Matrix?" I offered, not sure whether I really wanted the answer.

"Good, good, the truth is the only thing that will set you free Steve - it's time you accepted it and your destiny. The Matrix is all about control, it is all around you everywhere - it is a prison for your mind. The Matrix is illusion, deception - a distraction for your senses - it is... the mainstream liberal media. "

"What, you mean that Dan Rather really is trying to control my brain, damn it - I knew it, I knew it. What can I do Joe, how can I fight this fiendish virtual reality prison?" Panicked to the point of near exhaustion, I poured a nearby diet coke over my head in a vain attempt to stem the flood of sweat pouring off of me profusely.

"There is only one thing you can do besides voting Republican, Steve; you must return to the source and destroy the wizard who has enslaved your people. This wizard is known as 'the architect.' This wizard is also known in your world as Al Franken..."

"You mean the man with incredibly long nose hairs is the mastermind behind this all? I thought it was Dan Rather. " My mind was adrift in thought, just then the receiver announced something in a tinny voice: "I'm George W. Bush and I approved this message."

I woke up shrieking in horror...


Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, at least up until the point the copyright holders sue you; but be that as it may, I've added some tribute video clips below - I hope you enjoy them:



The Muppets are in the Matrix




Making fun of Windows is entirely too easy these days, especially after that goofy Bill Gates commercial...


Copyright 2008, Raving Reviews™