The 10 Worst Horror Films of All Time

Some movies are so scary that you never truly recover from them (like say the Sentinel); on the other hand some movies are just scary bad - so truly horrible, that you can never quite forget them either (no matter how much you may want to). Today's Halloween Top 10 list is dedicated to the absolute worst Horror films ever created. You may be curious how we separate "Least Scary" horror films from the "Worst" horror films. Here's our criteria:

• The worst horror are generally not scary but have other attributes besides that;
• Attribute 1 - truly dumb premise
• Attribute 2 - truly bad acting
• Attribute 3 - truly awful script
• Attribute 4 - generally rotten special effects
• Attribute 5 - total lack of continuity or common sense

Having said all of that, some of these films were at least, original...

Everybody loves Trolls, right? Well maybe not so much. We used to think that Trolls were the ones who took money when you want to cross the bridge - this may have prejudiced our opinions against them.

#1 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Troll & Troll 2: Rule of thumb, most horror movies made regarding trolls, elves, leprechauns and other dwarfs (real or imaginary) have been truly awful. A decent Horror film director could avoid alot of risk by skipping this genre altogether. Troll 2 is often considered to be one of the worst films ever made, although we think Birdemic gives it a good run for its money. They even made a documentary film about how bad this movie was which is high praise, sort of.

#2 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Birdemic: This movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever; although we did eat in the Double-decker bus restaurant in Half Moon Bay where much of the movie was filmed and that was at least half-way cool.  So, anyway this film - if you can call it that - follows a Silicon Valley executive and his dim-witted girlfriend as they battle poorly rendered CG eagles who are really pissed about Global Warming or something. Lot's of clever shots of cars backing up and parking add to the suspense and action.

The entire Internet has joined together in mocking this film - unfortunately the film's producers got the wrong impression from this and are making a sequel.

#3 Worst Horror Film of All Time - The Happening: Painfully stupid, hard to watch - a waste of talent and several years after seeing it we're still not sure what it's about. Something may have happened but we really don't care what and we hope what will happen in the future is that M. Night never makes another Horror film as this is only one in about 4 awful stinkers he's dropped in a row. We think the title ought to be changed to "The Nothingening," or Not Happening.  

M Night, you really didn't make the Sixth Sense did you - that kid, Haley what's his name directed it, right?

#4 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Eyes Without a Face: We've always wondered whether Billy Idol's Eyes Without a Face hit from the 1980's was in any way linked to this cult French horror film from the 1960's. Several problems here; 1 - It's French, name one scary French movie. 2 - Oddly enough Face surgery is pretty common now - not so scary, 3 - They're all speaking French which sounds oddly not scary. 4 - Billy Idol is nowhere to be found in this film and the soundtrack sucks. Granted the girl looks a little bit like Michael Myers (from Halloween) older sister - or maybe it was the French Exchange student who stayed with them for the Summer?

Attack of the Mademoiselle ! 

 

#5 Worst Horror Film of All Time - GingerDead Man: What happens when you mix Gary Busey with flour, brown sugar and lot's of ginger and cinnamon? Well, perhaps the craziest premise for a movie ever with one of the looniest actors in Hollywood. Maybe not such a good recipe after all. It seems as though the folks who made this film did so with the deliberate intention of creating one of the stupidest movies ever - something to outrank Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and  Killer Klowns etc. This is hardly an achievement worth acknowledging except for here on lists of the worst movies ever made. Gary at least had an excuse for doing this (he fell off of his motorcycle a lot), the producers likely have no such excuse.

Talk about your junk food!

#6 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Rabid Grannies: Here's a good one word review for this movie - Yuk! We're not sure exactly what sort of repressed childhood issues the makers of the film were working out - or whether they simply wanted to transfer their psychosis to the audience.

Come here Dearheart, nana is ever so hungry.

#7 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood: Very little commentary is needed here. What do you get when you mix killer Leprechauns with Crack Cocaine ? We'll, let's just say no...

The Racial Stereotypes are hard to escape in this film - Irish people may never recover from it

#8 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Dr. Giggles: We actually paid money in a theater to see this one - we can't remember why. Anyway, we think this film did a lot to undermine our healthcare system in America and it really, really sucked.

Let's give a big hand or two to Dr. Giggles ! or not...

#9 Worst Horror Film of All Time - feardotcom: We asked the question about the Ring, what would happen if it were uploaded to Youtube? This movie just put it on a website without the proper streaming technology so it reached a relatively small number of victims who had to wait forever for the video to buffer. If an internet borne computer virus is ever capable of boring people to death it should be named after this movie.

#10 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: We weren't sure if this movie belongs on a Horror film list but it's close enough. This movie makes no attempt to hide how bad it can be - it seems to revel in its own low budget absurdities; from reusing the same pair of sunglasses to re-purposing what seems to be a large broom closet as the set for half its locations. At the very least though they come up a with a new attraction to compete with Shamu at Sea World.

Mega Shark can catch jumbo jets in mid-air; take that Shamu!

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

Read More

What's Happening? Really?

I finally got around to renting "The Happening" from Blockbuster (it's not product placement if they don't pay me for saying that) last night. I was in the mood for something scary and horrific to distract me from the scary and horrific economic collapse occurring in the real world - don't worry if that doesn't make any sense, because the movie didn't either.

If I had actually invested $7 dollars a person to go see this thing, I'm sure I would have walked out and probably would have requested a refund (something I've only done once in my entire lifetime - for the Rob Schneider film, "The Animal"). I can't rate the movie unless I use a negative scale and it would probably end up somewhere near the top of that. So what's wrong with the movie you ask, let me count the ways - or better yet let's use it as a case study for how not to make a motion picture.

The Happening Really Sucked - BTW - don't pet the lions

Guide to Making a Really Horrible Movie:

• Step 1 - Come up with a concept that isn't very interesting, doesn't make much sense and that most people will find boring.

• Step 2 - Talk some idiot into funding the concept (by whatever means necessary).

• Step 3 - Hire the worst screenwriters that money can buy; either draft some hoodlums from your local Junior High or bring in a team of trained Chimps - you know the ones they used to do those 'movie tickets online' commercials (again not a product placement if I don't get paid) and ask them "to just be themselves" as they write the dialog.

• Step 4 - Completely disregard the need for fancy Hollywood special effects, (we've all seen them before anyway, right?) and get some monster make-up folks to help with hanging and falling bodies and sticking giant hairpins into peoples' necks. We all know that everyone loves going to a haunted hayride - something like that should be in every film that really stands out.

• Step 5 - Hire an ensemble cast of distracted and / or dysfunctional actors and tell them to study the great silent film stars to understand how many different ways facial expressions can be distorted in order to express the depth of emotion called for in the Chimps' script.

• Step 6 - Convince star # 1, John Leguizamo, to do a Bugs Bunny impression to give us the sense of authenticity needed to convince us that he lives somewhere in the northeast United States.

• Step 7 - Give star # 2, Mark Wahlberg large doses of Nyquil in order to help demonstrate frustration with his obviously demented wife, very accurately portrayed by Zooey Deschanel.

• Step 8 - Throw in some controversy by having Mark Walhberg try to pick up some 15 year boy in his class (by telling him how hot he is).

• Step 9 - Provide the leading lady with the proper motivation to understand her role by telling her to study Dustin Hoffman's roles in both Tootsie and Rain Man and combine those together.

• Step 10 - Pick utterly unimpressive location shots, and take long menacing shots of otherwise harmless clouds passing overhead to fill us with dread and terror.

• Step 11 - Ensure early on that the audience is rooting for the mysterious disease instead of all of the main characters, hoping that the plague will wipe them out soon and perhaps wipe out the crew as well.

• Step 12 - Have someone in the movie exclaim the dialog "Cheese & Crackers" to accentuate a sense of realism and horror.

And that's it, this is all you have to do to create an all time stinker. I think it's lights out for M. Night, it must be hard to have started your career with a great movie and then followed it with a string of mediocre movies each worse than the last eventually dropping into the ditch that is 'The Happening.' So, in response to the original question, What's Happening? the answer is, we really don't care and definitely don't want to know.


Copyright 2008, Raving Reviews™

Read More