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Fast and Spurious

Fast Five is a title that is a bit difficult to figure out. When we counted the main characters we only came up with four and then there were about a dozen or so others who we couldn't quite place in the billing line up.

Fast Five is the latest movie in the Fast & Furious franchise; it came out a few weeks ago and given how few other decent films are at the cinema right now we decided to check it out. For those of you unfamiliar with this franchise it is about fast cars, hot girls and bad boys. These are action flicks with little pretense of true drama and did we mention the cars - every red-blooded American loves cars, right?

And believe it or not there was another movie titled "The Fast & The Furious" made in 1955. You can watch the whole film here on youtube (it was a Roger Corman feature). That movie had lot's of - you guessed it, fast cars, hot girls and bad boys in it (with lot's of great quotes in it such as this line "I like Quiet women, stay that way").

But we digress. We've titled this post Fast & Spurious because - well, first read the definition of Spurious (spu·ri·ous):
1. Not being what it purports to be; false or fake: "spurious claims"
This movie seems a bit extra, like well, like they wanted to film some more car chases but were having a really, really hard time thinking about how to come up with an excuse for it. In this storyline the cast goes to Rio De Janeiro for no particular reason, destroys about half of their police force and takes about 100 'booty-shots' of hot chicks walking around sports cars. There is a large ensemble cast but it seems as though half of them represent some sort of collective cheap laughs character - their presence and excess moronic dialog really drags (pun intended) the movie down.

We want fast action, not slow-witted and slow moving secondary dialog.



Cars blowing up, Cars Racing and Crime that Pays - the premise seemed good.

Of course,we have to be fair and acknowledge that there were a number of great action scenes in this film - even if the storyline was logically challenged. We have the 15 minute long bank vault chase scene which ranks right up there as one of the longest and most destructive to motor vehicles ever filmed. We were also treated to the battle of the Chrome Domes - The Rock versus Vin Diesel. Who said tough guys need hair? The only thing we were missing in this baldfest was Bruce Willis.



Toupees are for Sissies like Donald Trump

We have mixed feelings about Fast Five. It was moderately entertaining but lacked the adrenaline pumping fury of its predecessors.


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews

The Most Disturbing Movie Preview - Ever

While we were compiling our Summer movie blockbuster list we heard about a bizarre new film being released this month - there's already quite a bit of buzz surrounding it - so anyway we decided to watch the trailer...

It seems likely that those of us who watched that preview will require therapy for post-dramatic stress syndrome. This has to be the most disturbing movie trailer we've ever seen and its disturbing for a number of reasons:
  • Just look at Rutger Hauer these days.
  • We're thinking this might be how Charlie Sheen and Randy Quaid end up
  • There are no positive roles models to be found, anywhere !
  • Did they have to give that lecture to those helpless infants???
  • This is what the US is going to be like after all the budget cuts!!!
  • It seems like they used Tomato Bisque for blood and that's our favorite soup, yuk...
  • How can hobo's afford shotgun ammunition, c'mon???
Before we show you this clip, we must provide the following disclaimers:
  1. We didn't make the movie.
  2. We haven't even seen the movie and as much as we may be tempted to study it from a purely anthropological perspective, we know it's a bad influence on us and everyone else so we won't.
  3. It seems worse than BitchSlap (which we did view, only to help advance several scientific disciplines).
  4. If you have a heart condition, high blood pressure or take anti-psychotic medicines that may have a tendency to induce suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please don't watch this clip.
  5. If you are pregnant or hope to become pregnant please don't give birth to children who would produce, star in or even watch a movie like this.
  6. If you were a hobo, are a hobo or plan to be a hobo - definitely don't watch it.
  7. If you are a fan of Rutger Hauer the actor rather than Rutger Hauer the demented has-been hobo, please avoid watching this.
Don't say we didn't warn you.



Hobo with a Shotgun is likely to become a cult classic, why - well this is the country where supposedly normal adults paid $50 or more per seat to watch Charlie Sheen reenact his webcam tirades - in other words, we're all crazy...

One last thought - we're wondering whether Rutger has come down with the same malady that seems to also be afflicting Dolph Lungreen who turned in what might have been the most schizoid performance ever in last Summer's the Expendables. This new condition might be referred to as Viking Regression or Nordic Black-out.


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews