How did we make our determinations? It was based upon identifying the following characteristics of painfully dumb cinema in the selected movies:
- They are really, really hard to watch.
- They make you want to walk out of the theater and ask for a refund (something we've done for several of these).
- They make you wonder constantly throughout the movie, "if I wait just a minute longer, it might get better" but never does.
- They suck you into an event horizon where time slows down to a crawl and you begin to think you'll be stuck there forever in a kind of purgatory.
- They take beloved movie icons and turn them into objects of derision.
- They make you say over and over again that anyone, even you or brain-dead coma victims could do better.
- It's hard to remember much about the movie itself - all you tend to recall is your own sense utter revulsion at being subjected to it.
The Dumbest Movies Ever
#1 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Happening: This movie came close to ending Mark Wahlberg's career; it made his remake of Planet of the Apes look like Citizen Cane in comparison. We didn't walk out of this one - this more like the event horizon experience - a true cinema Limbo or Purgatory. Did something actually happen in the movie? We wrote a review though at the time. One dead giveaway of a truly awful movie is an appearance by John Leguizamo doing his Bugs Bunny impression.
We won't subject you to any clips from this dog of a movie - so here's the Pixies...
#2 Dumbest Movie Ever - Showgirls: This movie redefined the term "Bimbo" and ensured that Las Vegas would forever be associated with family entertainment - or not. The following adjectives come to mind when trying to describe this show; vacuous, offensive, Fellini-esqe, boring, unsanitary. Many have tried viewing this as cult film to mock it but the problem with that is you still have to watch it - which we cannot in all good conscious recommend that anyone ever does under any circumstances.
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| Licking poles was never this boring before |
#3 Dumbest Movie Ever - Gigli: Before Brangelina, there was J-lo and Ben. They made a movie together and it was so bad it wrecked their marriage or relationship or whatever it is was they were doing. J-Lo made a movie with Marc Antony as well (where all they did was fight) and then they got divorced too. Come to think of it that's what happened to Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman - rule of thumb - don't make bad movies with your spouse if you want to stay married. Was there a story behind the movie - not really - and we couldn't finish watching it anyway.
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| They were so happy before they made this stupid movie - makes us want to cry - so did the movie |
#4 Dumbest Movie Ever - Howard the Duck: This movie should have forewarned George Lucas never again to experiment with seemingly cute, highly marketable characters. Instead, a decade later he saddled us with Jar Jar Binx and cinema may never recover from that decision.
Little known fact - this actor had auditioned for Yoda 27 times over a 25 year period
#5 Dumbest Movie Ever - Flight: Denzel, you're grounded - no more movies where you're piloting, conducting or otherwise driving anything, please. We just reviewed this if you'd like to see the gory details.
#6 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Animal: This was one of those movies we walked out of and requested a refund for. It helped end what had been a half-way successful career for Rob Schneider. Calling it offensive would of course be offensive to the word offensive.
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| You never see full-service any more, what a pity |
#7 Dumbest Movie Ever - Land of the Dead: This movie answers the question; what would happen if the Mentalist, Bugs Bunny and Easy Rider had to fight super-intelligent tool wielding zombies? The only problem was - we weren't asking that question.
#8 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Campaign: Remarkably, three of the dumbest films of all time on this list come from 2012 and the year isn't even over yet. This film, which we both walked out of and requested a refund for, tried its best to steal the title of most offensive film ever from such classics as The Animal and Freddy Got Fingered. We're fairly certain that the script was written by 13 year olds while attending a Summer camp for troubled youth. We thought nothing could be worse than the real election, but we were wrong.
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| This movie is the single greatest threat to Democracy since the Soviet Union invaded Eastern Europe |
Singing in a dumpy, dark lit strip club is every girl's dream come true
# 10 Dumbest Movie Ever - Catwoman: We like Halle Berry but this bizarre action flick came close to ending her career. It has taken her about a decade to recover from it. All we seem to recall from this movie was a cameo attack from Basic Instinct and lot's of meowing.
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| Catwoman advanced women's rights movements everywhere |
- Battlefield Earth - We had a hard time deciding this one. It was so bad that it crossed over into B movie territory. It came in at 11 anyway though.
- Every Transformer Movie - With the exception of Megan Fox, there was never any reason to watch. This is the only movie franchise that needs to include a warning to take aspirin before viewing.
- Dune - Despite the face we really like the book or perhaps because of it, this movie pained us a great deal. "Arrakis, Desert Planet, really dry with no beaches ('cause there's no water - get it), lot's of inane narrative and silly costumes - and Jean Luc Picard, what are you doing here."
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