Dating Tips from Henry VIII - The Tudors

We've watched The Tudors now twice - the whole series - and it just keeps getting better and better. But it's not just entertaining; the Showtime series is also very educational. It's taught us not just about English history and the plague, but also about how to develop successful dating strategies. For instance, did you know that King Henry VIII invented both speed dating and speed marriages? Did you know he also invented the "it's not my fault divorce." We came across a little known pamphlet penned in Henry's own hand that contains all he learned about courting women at court. We're including some of the highlights from it in this post.

Henry VIII was quite the ladies man and innovator

Henry's VIII's Dating Tips:

Tip 1 - Be sure to test if your potential date or mate is squeamish by showing her your pus-filled open wounds. Only women with stout constitutions are fit to consort with the King.

Tip 2 -  Be sure to shower women with flattery for it is the quickest way into their lacy drawers. They are especially fond of being reminded how beautiful their heads are while still attached to their bodies.

Tip 3 - Always be generous with the weaker sex by letting them taste all of your food first. This also saves considerable coin that would elsewise be spent on professional food tasters.

Tip 4 - Always ask your date if she is able to conceive male heirs. If she says no, have her flogged, drawn and quartered.

Tip 5 - Get your best friends (like Lord Brandon, AKA superman) to pimp your dates whenever possible and threaten to have them flogged, drawn and quartered if they do not.

Tip 6 - Be sure to ask your dates about their views on controversial religious topics; if you don't like the answers or it turns out the date is either Catholic or Lutheran, have her burned as a heretic.

Tip 7 - It's perfectly OK to be jealous, especially when your date or wife is a Jezebel and whore of Babylon - in which case you will need to have her put to death along with every man she ever met.  

Tip 8 - Be most generous with your gifts, bestowing upon your maid or damsel the finest jewels of the realm. And feel free to give the same exact gifts over and over again but remember not to mention they're used.

Tip 9 - You should marry and divorce as often as possible, but never pay alimony.

Henry VIII also invented the reality show - "Don't Ax Me"

Tip 10 - Always look for new mistresses amongst the queen's maid-servants because no matter how often you do that the Queens never expect it.

Bonus Tip - Always use protection when wenching out on the town; this should consist of two pikesmen as guards and garlic coated condoms in case the wench is a witch, in which case she must be burned after the fact.

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