10 Reasons Aliens Shouldn't Invade Earth

So anyway, we were watching several UFO documentaries the last week or so on Netflix and we've got to admit it; they're pretty convincing. We don't think it's a question of whether extraterrestrials exist anymore; in fact they're so many flying around out there it's getting as common to run into one as deer collisions on the roadways. Our real concern now is avoiding the inevitable Alien Invasion and Conquest that's sure to come at any moment, potentially as soon as this December in order to coincide with Mayan Apocalypse predictions. We think that fighting this invasion is probably a non-starter - the key to survival is preventing it in the first place, right?

So with that in mind, we've come up with a plan that's guaranteed to save our collective butts. What we need to do is make up for all the damage done by Voyager when we sent that gold record into Space telling the aliens how great it was here and practically begging them to invade. This time, we need to send a DVD with all the worst aspects of our civilization emphasized and provide the aliens with a compelling rationale for why they shouldn't invade. 

This doesn't look like a real equation anyway - but then again we already know they're vacationing on the moon

And we need to really be blunt about this too; no sense trying to be politically correct or sugarcoat matters. We'll show those aliens how bad it is here and then given 10 really good reasons why not to invade (although they can still visit if they wish as long as they stop causing traffic accidents). Here's the table of contents for the DVD menu:

• Part 1 - The Things we Eat: How they're grown, polluted, processed, killed, ground-up etc.
• Part 2 - We're Killing Machines: It's really not safe here, even for us.
• Part 3 - Zombies: they're everywhere and they'll eat Aliens too.
• Part 4 - Lowering the Galactic IQ: How television may open up new Black Holes.
• Part 5 - 10 Reasons you're better off not living here (although tourism is always encouraged)
• Special Featurette 1 - The Immigration Reform Fiasco
• Special Featurette 2 - The Disco Revolution & Country Music
• Special Featurette 3 - A Tribute to the Crocodile Hunter
• Special Featurette 4 - Polka music and Scientology (the hidden link)
• Special Featurette 5 - Forensic TV - the Anatomy of Good Ratings

Here are the arguments we should apply to keep the Alien Menace at bay:

# 1 Reason not to Attack Earth - Traffic here really sucks.

Aliens aren't patient by nature, this will frighten them

# 2 Reason not to Attack Earth - Too many political ads. We're just too negative, a sort of "Glass Half Empty planet."

# 3 Reason not to Attack Earth - We don't recycle and are generally pretty messy - it would be akin to living with someone who never cleaned their room up.

Would you want to invade this? We didn't think so

# 4 Reason not to Attack Earth - We cancelled Star Trek, multiple times and created Jar Jar Binx.

# 5 Reason not to Attack Earth - Aliens tried doing that before, at Atlantis and they ended up becoming Shriners and driving funny miniature cars while wearing Fez's. 

I can never, ever get out of this car...

# 6 Reason not to Attack Earth - We're heavily in debt and would likely ask for loans that we could never repay.

# 7 Reason not to Attack Earth - Our idea of culture is Reality TV and Jerry Springer, not Bach or Mozart. Who's Bach anyway, they were on the gold record - oh never-mind?

# 8 Reason not to Attack Earth - We would probably worship any aliens who invaded and create some creepy cult that you aliens wouldn't want anything to do with anyway.

I am ready to do your bidding, master

# 9 Reason not to Attack Earth - We've got lot's of germs and we like them so much that we actually grow them on purpose.

Imagine getting slapped by this, you stinking aliens... yea, who's the boss now? uh huh

# 10 Reason not to Attack Earth - Woody Harrelson would be our ambassador.

How do you like my wig, I can get one just like it for your little gray head

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