10 Signs the End is Near

There were a lot of people who were fairly disappointed when the planet didn't vaporize on May 21st, 2011, especially those poor bastards who gave away everything they owned in anticipation of the joyous event. Never fear though, because Apocalypse 2.0 is coming to a planet near you this year on December 21st! (the date of the 13th Mayan Bactune). Yes, that's right - we're pretty sure this time that the end is truly near. All of the signs are here - all the planets are lining up and those Mayans are going to get their revenge after all (or so we've been told by some of their descendants who now work in a Corona Cerveza factory). We may even have to come up with a new set of Apocalypse Party Tips as the last one may have already been used in Apocalypse 1.0 parties and probably wouldn't be as fun a second time.

How can we a prediction like this with such certainty? Well - because we researched this through a painstaking processes of Internet browsing that lasted for hours. The Mayans were in contact with the Chariots of the God's Aliens who by the way are a lot nicer and not at all related to the X-Files aliens or the Alien alien or even the Predator alien. Anyway, these nicer ones told the Mayans what was up to give us a chance to build our own escape ships and go somewhere else but maybe they should have told the Spanish because the Spanish or Aztecs or someone wiped out all of the Mayans and thus we're all screwed. Still not convinced? Well, we've also been given many, many signs that the end is near and we've include the top 10 below.

Could people with hats like these be wrong? We seriously doubt it

The Top 10 Apocalyptic Omens:

1. The Fiscal Cliff will lead to tax increases for millionaires which will of course signify the end of the world.
2. Tim Tebow can't win any games - so God has forsaken us.
3. Saturday Night Live isn't funny anymore - wait that's happened like 6 times before - oh it's the 7th time - got it.
4. George Lucas gave away Star Wars.
5. Obama won a second term and now all those dozens of books and movies telling us how bad the second term will be have to come true, right?
6. Windows 8 has been launched and Breaking Dawn part 2 will be the biggest debut in movie history, yuk!
7. We've run out of ideas for new Zombie movies or TV shows.
8. Real-life Zombies are eating people's faces - how gross is that? (so maybe there's one more idea left)
9. The weather is so bad that even Locusts refuse to go outdoors.
10. Aliens have placed detour signs around Earth which is why we've witnessed a big slowdown in alien abductions and UFO sightings.

It turns out that the Nazca lines in Peru were in fact the Nascar lines - a particularly difficult track for alien pod racers. Another recent theory posits that this is in fact a sign wherein one group of irate aliens were flipping the bird to another. We may never know for sure as we're all going to die on December 21st. 

We told you Corona Beer was involved, didn't we, huh, huh...

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved