The Idiots Guide to Writing Wine Reviews

Interested in a new career? How about being a professional wine reviewer? If you're not sure, take a look at the following reasons why you should consider it:
  1. You get to drink a lot of wine. (a spit the wine across the room into wine spittoons too which is more fun than it sounds)
  2. You get to use French words and act snobby. 
  3. You can impress people with your knowledge of soil and composting. 
  4. You can travel to many fascinating places that have vineyards and drink a lot of wine while acting snobby and spit while playing with the local soil. 
  5. You'll be able to impress dates and folks at dinner parties with your wine-related knowledge and humor. Folks will especially appreciate it when you taste their wine for them.
Wine being poured into a wine glass. Notice the tilt and the graceful flow into the glass...
In order to become a sophisticated wine reviewer however, you may have to get rid of some nasty old wine-related habits including:
  • Wine chugging - drinking an entire bottle in one gulp may have impressed the frat brothers, but one wonders if you really get a chance to taste the wine when drinking it this way. 
  • Drinking from wine cartons - This is very low-brow and no self-respecting wine critic would do this unless they absolutely had to. One of the reasons for this is the adjectives associated with cartons aren't nearly as appealing as those associated with wine bottles or oak barrels.
  • Drinking from the bottle - There's a difference between wine critic and wino - be mindful of it. (this means no paper bags either).
  • Drinking wine that costs less than the current minimum wage - Again, low-brow.
  • Drinking wine with crazy names - Where once there was just Mad Dog 20-20 now there are literally 100's of wines with such odd names as Mommies Time Out, Smoking Loon or Contested Divorce. It really doesn't matter what they taste like, they'll probably end up in a paper bag. 
  • Making Wine Popsicles - Freezing the wine tends to affect its bouquet.

Red, Red Wine - it was probably in a bag

Wearing the appropriate attire enhances the wine tasting experience 
So, now you're ready for the wine reviewer's guide. The most important part of being a wine critic is developing a mastery of wine-related adjectives; those adjectives are as follows:
  • Aroma
  • Bouquet
  • Mature
  • Nutty
  • Fruity
  • Lively
  • Rich
  • Velvety
  • Sweet
  • Smooth
  • Dry
  • Oak (or Oakey)

This song sounds good after drinking 1 1/2 bottles of any type of domestic wine

That's it. Any further adjectives you might need will only be variations of the ones listed above - for example - you could swap 'fruity' for specific types of fruit like Cherries.  So let's try this for ourselves on two very different wines:

Wine 1 - This velvety Cabernet Sauvignon evokes a fruity bouquet with hints of berries and a strong oak flavor.  It goes down smooth with most any meal and makes the perfect dinner complement.

Wine 2 - This lively Chardonnay is a perfect desert wine with its rich aroma and just a hint of nuts. It will go down smooth but a bit dry.

That's it - you've now mastered wine reviewing!

Wine comes from grapes, grapes are fruit. 

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