You Say you want a Hairvolution, well you know...

Back to the Halloween madness and the scariest thing in Hollywood next to Mad Mel's talking Beaver, Nicholas Cage's Hair. We'll start this post with a tribute to the many manifestations of Mr. Cage's follicles...

Man of a thousand wigs?

So let's talk a little bit about the enigmatic Mr. Cage. First of all for those who don't know, Nick Cage isn't his real name. His actual name is Nicholas Kim Copolla and he is the nephew of acclaimed Godfather director Francis Ford Copolla. He has been married to some interesting people as well (3 so far) including the daughter of Elvis Presley - who oddly enough he has imitated in nearly a dozen movie roles over the years. He is one of Hollywood's most prolific actors with several dozen credits to his name. Yet despite making millions he somehow managed not to pay his taxes and has now joined the Wesley Snipes 'back taxes are eating my lunch' club.

Remember when the Japanese had money - Nick's got the fever x3

None of the previous exposition seems to answer the burning question - why does Nick seem compelled to do something crazy with his hair in nearly every movie he stars in? We're going to take a time warp back to the Age of Aquarius to try to understand his motivation...

The 1970's was like the Hair Club for everyone...

So maybe, Nick's inner Hippie just wants to be free to express itself through hair - long, short, receding, greasy, curly, straight, hair hair, or something like that. Although there is a darker theory, one that allows us to include this post as part of our Halloween 2012 marathon - Nicholas Cage is an American Vampire...

This explains a lot, the hair, his not being worried about taxes and his Elvis southern accent fetish.

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Rejected One Liners

What would Hollywood be without those ever-so-clever one liners that forever stick in minds - such phrases as:

• "Make my day"
• "I'll be back"
• "Kiss my Grits"
• "Yippe Cay Yah, M....."

Well, for every successful one liner, there are many, many also-rans - those quips that simply didn't make the grade. We searched through our extensive archives to find some of the one liners that got rejected along the way:

• From Prometheus - after the impromptu self C-section "Now that's what I call family planning!"

How to get "a Head" in Alien hunting... 

• From Last of the Mohicans - "Hey Hawkeye, those white chicks are High Maintenance."

• From Titanic "Can I get my ticket Refunded?" and "Hey, don't be too critical everything shrinks in near-freezing water."

• From the Terminator - "Follow me if you want to find a really great bargain at Target."

• From 300 - "Why did we leave all of our clothes back in Sparta, it's freakin' cold out here?"

• From Argo - "The Ayatollah don't like Pepsi Cola." 

• From Skyfall - "Q, where's my Ipad?"

 The most depressing Bond song ever - we just want to cry...

• From Looper - "This is how our self-employment gets terminated."

• From Total Recall (the remake) - "My wife looks great in her underworld."

• From Blade Runner - "All these memories will vanish like Prince after Purple rain."

• From Gladiator - "Unleash much unpleasantness." 

Why farmers shouldn't make movies 

• From the Unforgiven - "Hey Clint, why did you shoot that empty chair?"

• From Twilight (pick any) - "It's called Vampire Psoriasis, not sparkly skin."

• From The Godfather - "Fredo, why are you wearing Strawberry lip gloss?"

• From Contact: "I can't believe they called collect."

• From Silence of the Lambs - "I have binders full of women in my files Clarisse, binders full..."

• From Frankenstein - "Heineken good, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition good..."

• From Independence Day - "We know our virus will work, the mothership is running Windows 95."

The "Sweded" version of Independence Day...

• From Godzilla - "He was hatched at Fukishima just last year..."

• From Hamlet - "To be or not to be - is that a rhetorical question, cause I'm just not getting it Yorick, and BTW did you go a diet?"

• From Soylent Green - "Those weren't made by Keebler Elves, they are Keebler Elves!"

• From Planet of the Apes - "Get your hands on me, you damn sexy ape."

• From Miami Vice (the movie) - "Why are we even doing this without Phil Collins?"

• From  The Wizard of Oz - "Dorothy, let's play Twister, let's play Risk"

• From The Poseidon Adventure - "How did Shamu get on this boat anyway?"

• From the Marathon Man - "You haven't been flossing, have you?"

• From Midnight Cowboy - "Hey, I'm washing there - that's my machine."

• From ET - "ET, texting home, LoL #earth sucks"

• From the Dark Knight Rises - "I'm Scatman, Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop." 

• From the Mary Poppins - "Yes, children I'm getting high, but please don't follow my example."

• From Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid - "I think we should reconsider Gun  Control."

• From AI - "I'm David, not that Nazi android freak from Prometheus."

• From The Bridge on the River Kwai - "I'm never riding the subway again."

• From 1984 - "Now this is what I'd call Big Government."

• From the Shining - "Bedbugs, Bedbugs, Bedbugs."

• From Logan's Run - "What a drag it is getting old."

• From Bonnie & Clyde  - "Hey, you missed a spot."

• From Avatar - "It's clean coal and natural gas - it's good for your environment."

• From Rambo, First Blood - "All wanted was a slushy, a hot dog and some nachos, why did they have to push me."

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The Walking Dead - Season 3

Occasionally, on Raving Reviews we actually watch TV shows and movies and that aren't completely idiotic - one of our favorite of these shows is the Walking Dead. Walking Dead Season 3 began last week, just in time for our Halloween Meltdown. Why do we like the Walking Dead? Here's some of our rating criteria:

1. It's post-apocalyptic.
2. It happens down South instead of where we're living (makes it seem more realistic).
3. It has better than average quality Zombies.
4. It has an excellent cast of characters and even the stereotypical roles are well played by the ensemble cast.
5. We care about what happens to the characters, in other words it transcends the gratuitous Zombie killing that often is associated with the genre.

Just when you though it was safe to drive through Atlanta...

Now having said some nice things about the show; we do have a few issues with the Walking Dead; these include:

• Why doesn't AMC allow any other networks to make good television shows?
• How many times will they let Carl Junior go out and endanger the whole group before they realize he's just not worth it? (and isn't there a Hamburger joint call Carl Jr.?)
• Why don't the characters ever bathe?
• Why don't they all own Samurai swords by now?
• Why don't they find their own island - preferably in the Bahamas?
• Why do they let Ricks wife drive?
• Why does Hershel seem to confuse the flu with flesh easting insanity?

 

 Some criticism is warranted.

And we're not the only ones who have issues with the Walking Dead - it has become a cultural phenomenon and has inspired a number of interesting parodies.

 

This parody is kind of like Walking Dead meets Deliverance....

In previous posts we've tried to uncover why Zombies are so popular in our culture - what is about cannibal corpses that never gets old (besides the fact that they're dead)? Is it that by shooting zombies we can stare death in the face and keep on living, who knows. What we do know for sure is that Season 3 of the Walking Dead is shaping up to be more action packed than the first two seasons combined with lot's of new locations and characters and an endless supply of - Zombies...

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The Beaver - Too Right!

The next movie we're reviewing as part of the 2012 Halloween meltdown is "The Beaver." Wait you say - this movie has nothing to do with the spookiest time of the year - we beg to differ. This movie contains three elements that we are sure will terrify most sane people:

1. Mel Gibson
2. Australian-Speak
3. Beaver hand puppets

 Mel Gibson with his hand up a Beaver's bum...

Kudos to Jody for casting though - Mel Gibson was hands down (or up) the best choice in Hollywood for the role. Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen no doubt would have turned in great performances but could never have mastered Australian English the way Mad Max can. The plot goes something like this - a fairly depressed middle-aged man on the verge of suicide runs across a hand puppet in the trash and it more or less possesses him. We were wondering if the story might actually be Mel Gibson's autobiography but the movie doesn't include any Russian girlfriends getting punched in the face.

Jody Foster felt compelled to tell this story - we're not sure why - about how mental illness and hand puppets don't mix. Wrapped in this sad personal tale (or tail) is the larger question of why Beavers are so misunderstood and maligned in our society. This movie is just one more blatant attempt at Beaver character assassination. Don't believe there is a plot to ruin the noble Beaver's reputation; well just think about this:

• Why are they the butt of so many adolescent jokes?
• Why do we tend to associate them with kids who have buck teeth and glasses?
• Why do they also seem so busy - are they on something?
• How come we only focus on the fact they cut down trees instead building up the watershed?

Why are they so busy, don't they take vacations - are they on speed?

Now take the Wolverine. Here's a creature not too distantly related to Beavers who gets associated with really cool superheros and Cold War freedom fighters. The Beaver in this movie is not only not cool, he's kind of like an evil spirit (and as we know there is nothing more disturbing than an Australian accent) which opens up whole new avenues to negatively label Beavers. He's funny and lovable at first, but then we're introduced to Darth Beaver who enjoys beating up Mel as regularly as Mel tends to beat up his ex-wives. There are other characters in the movie - Jody Foster just seems to be there in order to do on camera directing. The guy who played Chekov in Star Trek is there looking like he is 16 going on 32 playing a high school senior with some serious beaver-envy issues. The girl from Hunger Games is in this too  - at the high school graduation it seems as though she might pull out a bow and arrow and start shooting but she wimps out on that.

Overall the film is like watching a slow moving train wreck - but not a very interesting one and of course, the noble Beaver is the ultimate casualty here.

Ok - this clip is R-rated, but we show this here only to illustrate the infamous anti-beaver propaganda campaign now underway in our society...

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