10 Reasons Man Should Never Fly - Raving Time Capsule

Dayton, Ohio is the birthplace of aviation. Over the past few years though Dayton was especially hard hit by the Great Recession and thousands of homes were foreclosed on and demolished. Many of the homes being torn down were historic and some were even located not too far from where the Wright Brothers lived and worked in West Dayton. We came across a time capsule in the ruins of one of those homes and discovered some very interesting things - among them were several top ten lists. Keep in mind that the folks who wrote the lists seemed to have been somewhat disgruntled former neighbors of the Wright's Bicycle Shop who simply didn't understand what the Wright Brothers were up to.

This is where the airplane was invented

Why Mankind Should Never Fly:

Reason # 1 - There are too many birds and they will likely fly into you or want to mate with you.

Does this mean that everyone working for this airline is a Virgin?

Reason # 2 - It will anger the angels, who more or less have a monopoly on flying.

This is a rare photo of Lance Armstrong's great-grandfather - who pioneered bike race cheating

Reason # 3 - Once lifting off of the earth what's to stop you from floating to the moon?

This is Lance Armstrong's grandfather following in the family tradition

Reason # 4 - Because feathers are really itchy and probably none too sanitary.

Don't touch that, it might have diseases !

Reason # 5 - Because we'd look too much like vampires and no one will ever think they're cool or sexy.

Dracula was an avid hang-glider hobbyist

Reason # 6 - Because steam engines are just too damn heavy and would make too many clouds.


Reason # 7 - Look what happened to Icarus, duh...

 Proof that men (and women too of course) weren't meant to fly

 

Reason # 8 - Because someday people will invent the TSA and they will want to touch your junk and look at you naked with their x-ray machines.

Reason # 9 - Because the occupation of Stewardess may set back women's rights for decades as airlines might force them to where sexy uniforms and bend over a lot.

Come fly with us as we wear these silly outfits

Reason #10 - Because someone might make a movie called Flight with Denzel Washington as a stoned, drunken airline pilot who flips his plane and drinks Bud while driving.



It's amazing how insightful these folks were back in 1902...

 Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Election Night Highlights - 2012

Last night, for the first time perhaps since the 2000 election, we watched the election coverage from about 6 until 2:00 in the morning. We decided to watch because we were thinking the race might be very close and potentially have some historic twists and turns. Also, since we're from Ohio, we just thought it was cool that we get to pick the Presidents - we used to elect Presidents from Ohio, now we just pick them - whatever - it's still cool. This ability to pick winners has not extended our to sports franchises leaving us stuck with the Bengals, Indians, Browns and Reds (and Ohio State doesn't count cause it's a college) - so lucky in politics and unlucky in sports?

Anyway the big controversies that we thought might happen didn't materialize; that's probably a good thing. So instead we focused our attentions on the coverage of the election itself and watched most of the major networks over the course of the evening. We thought we'd share our more memorable observations with you...

The More Memorable Moments of Election Night 2012:

• On CNN - Anderson Cooper seemed to be the ringleader for the coverage but it was highly confused and despite the many walls full of graphics it was just awkward as the cameras followed him from one part of the set to the other. It seemed often as though he was lost or that he or the cameraman were going to trip over something.  Next time just sit down, ok, all that pacing around made us nervous. We did like the way Wolf presented the projections - it was better than Dancing with The Stars.

Which camera I am supposed to look at?

• On PBS - It really seemed as though Gov. Romney had already taken Big Bird down a notch and defunded the network. We were treated to a desk and two chairs and a handful of commentators who seemed determined to be duller or more confused than Jim Lehrer was during the first Presidential Debate. PBS - if you've still got money go out and hire some new blood.

B. Bird was our write-in candidate of choice yesterday...

• On MSNBC - Rachel Maddow was is rare form and outperformed every other anchor on every other network. Olbermann, Olbermann, who? Rachel has taken control of the MSNBC political line up.

• Also on MSNBC - Ok, Rev. Al Sharpton seems like a nice enough guy but he's becoming the Tom Brokaw of MSNBC - he's a bit hard to follow and he looked a lot better before the diet (take a lesson from Gov. Christie and go carb out will you). Why not invite Jess Jackson ?

PBS: "Let's be careful not to scratch this table, they're repossessing it tomorrow..."

• On NBC - Chuck Todd, who usually does a great job seemed obsessed with his Microsoft Windows 8 touchscreens and Florida. How many times do you have to tell us there are lots of Puerto Ricans living in Orlando before we get it - we got it already. (and BTW we have traveled to Orlando a lot and actually know Puerto Ricans so it wasn't a big surprise).

• On CBS - Bob Schieffer was flinging colorful metaphors fast and furious all to the effect he didn't have a clue what was going on. Well, that was clear from the way he handled the third Presidential debate. CBS, it's time to find some new blood. Where's Cronkite when you need him?

• All Networks - The collective quote "It's all about Ohio" was done to death last night. Besides we knew that already. It's always about us, right?

• All Networks - Very few interviews with actual voters. Strange. We've all become statistics; exit polls and returns and electoral votes - heck these numbers seem to be running everything - what do they need us for?  

• ABC News - When we tuned in after watching all the info-graphics for hours the set of the ABC team almost blinded us - hey guys ever hear of contrast or brightness settings? It looked a little bit like Jeff Bridge's condo in Tron Legacy.

• Romney Concession Speech - The first 5 minutes were great - spot on. But, he must have thought he was in a debate and kept going. This guy needs some kind of internal stopwatch.

• Obama Victory Speech - The President managed to take a remarkable event and suspenseful evening and make it absolutely boring. This is a relatively new skill for the President that he has been honing over the last two years and seemed to have perfected during this year's general election.

• Biggest Freak Out of the Night - It was a tie between MSNBC and Fox News in reaction to all the networks calling Ohio and the election for Obama (remember how we told you it was all about us - huh uh). Anyway, the MSNBC crew were jumping all over Romney for being unable to accept reality and Fox was preparing the next Revolution. Please calm down guys - it's better for your health, really. It was a close race and it's no surprise there would be questions about Ohio given how close it was. Few people were expecting the race to be called that early and each campaign would have probably reacted the same way. And you would have been hesitant to throw in the towel too if you had wasted two 2 billion dollars and gotten absolutely nothing to show for it - ouch! There's no second place prize in politics...

Aren't we special ! - the candidates couldn't get enough of us here in the Buckeye State - all them pasing through Ohio up until the last minutes of the election

• Best Conspiracy Theory for the Evening - Microsoft and Windows 8 picked all the winners as the diabolical new operating system came one step closer to declaring judgement day.

All in all, things went well last night and we in America (including Ohio :) have maintained our Democracy. Over the coming weeks we hope to regain our collective sanity as the Tsunami of negative ads of 2012 became a distant, unpleasant memory (at least until next time).

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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The World's Tallest Milkshake

Here at Raving Reviews we don't limit ourselves to just critiquing movies or TV, or even popular culture - we also review restaurants, attractions and even products - but only the things that really stand out. Today's review was definitely outstanding; the world's tallest milkshake.

When we went to Vegas some time back we knew we'd be on the lookout for great food - we don't tend to gamble much because we just don't have the aptitude or luck for that sort of thing. We do however have some skill in finding good restaurants. Anyway, we had gotten it into our heads that the best locales in Las Vegas were buffets, but last time around we were getting disappointed so we decided to try something different. We checked out the ESPN Zone but weren't too impressed and then we happened to be strolling through the Stratosphere Casino watching retirees sink all their life savings into the slots and then we heard what sounded like a concert. We were drawn to it somewhat like a siren call and then we soon discovered that there were two locations with live musical activity close to one another - one had drinks but the other looked like a diner so we ventured towards the diner.

As we entered it was soon apparent that this was no ordinary eatery. On half of the tables giant 2 foot tall milkshakes were fairly noticeable and the wait staff was dancing around with microphones in their hands. At first we wondered whether this was some bizarre variant of the ever-unpopular restaurant birthday humiliation ritual and were about to Skedaddle - but it soon became apparent that they were singing for everyone and there were no birthday lyrics. So we took a booth.

We were too dumbstruck to videotape our experience at Roxy's, but many others have

We were hungry and decided to go with both shakes and typical diner fare - hamburger, fries, onion rings - the works. While we were waiting for our meal we noticed that the wait staff sometimes took turns signing and sometimes joined in together a bit like a mini-musical and in some cases the patrons stood up and joined in. We were somewhat dazed by the whole experience given our previous dining history - it just wasn't something our rather conventional brains could comprehend too well, but it did seem like a lot of fun.

And then they arrived. Two foot tall milkshakes in giant plastic glasses that were shaped in the form of the Stratosphere tower. We estimate that each one of these mega-shakes had approximately 3,000 calories worth of jaw-dropping ice cream mixtures in them although there is no way of telling for certain. We figured ours were probably even more densely packed with calories given that we had added fudge and extra whipped cream. The shakes came first and as you might have expected that's all she wrote for the rest of the meal. Our stomachs were pretty well extended to max by the time the fries and burgers arrived - we had just enough room to taste them but no more. We seem to remember that they were good but everything got a bit blurry after the milkshakes as we sank into a semi-euphoric state of near oblivion.

The Stratosphere casino has a giant tower, some games in it, other restaurants and even a few shows but all we can remember is Roxy's Diner. We figure it should only be visited a maximum of once per year to avoid overdosing on their shakes - but the next time we're in Vegas not gambling we're going to spend most of our time there.

Our next review of unique restaurant Americana will be the Velvet Elvis (located in Patagonia Arizona), home of some of the most unique pizzas on the planet.


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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The 10 Best Stories Never Told part 2

In our first installment of the The Top 10 Movies That Haven't Been Made Yet (but should be or need to be made better) we focused on historical figures and events. We will follow that mode with the remainder of the list but with some twists.

Number 6 - "The Godmother" The Griselda Blanco story. Most people don't know that is was Griselda and not Pablo Escobar who created the modern narco-traffic empire between North and South America - in fact she was the one who put him in business and may have been behind his death as well. There have been several somewhat goofy documentaries made which feature her story, but no one has made the movie. This is remarkable considering she was nearly single-handedly irresponsible for the drug wars in Miami that inspired the series Miami Vice. The Godmother was responsible for more murders perhaps even than Al Capone, was the first Cocaine Millionaire then Billionaire and is still on the loose (now in her native Colombia). The kicker is still around and out of jail!

The Godmother - This is another case where life is
more remarkable than fiction...

Number 7 - The Real Annie Oakley Story: Yes, there have been a lot of very superficial movies made featuring Annie Oakley, but none of them came close to telling her real story. A story that included a ten year running battle with William Randolph Hearst, a story that included making and losing a fortune and of course the story of how an Ohio farm girl (from near here in Greenville, Ohio) could become one of the most important women of her time. Our editor is a distant relation to Annie Oakley, so we're a little bit biased on this, but we still think it is a great movie waiting to happen. Here is a documentary about her on PBS...

One of the first films ever made - Annie Oakley hits the mark...

Number 8 - The Dirty War: There have been one or two movies set during Argentina's dirty war which lasted from the late 1970's to the early 1980's (finally ending when the ruling military Junta was overthrown after the Falklands / Malvinas war with Britain). Somewhere between 30,000 to 50,000 people, mainly younger folks or students were tortured and disappeared by the Right Wing government there. The story took on a unique human face through the tireless efforts of the Madres de la Plaza (Mother's of the Plaza) who protested for at least a decade and helped to bring down a corrupt and bloodthirsty regime. Our editor was in Buenos Aires in 1987, although the Junta was gone the Madres de la Plaza were still there seeking justice. A number of men were brought to justice and many children (who were stolen from people who were disappeared) were re-united with their families, but as in most nightmares like this, justice is rare and bittersweet when it does finally arrive.

Someday we may live in a world where violence and murder aren't state sanctioned, but until that day we will depend on the
courage of people like these to fight for us all...

Number 9 - The Trail of Tears: This was America's version of the Bataan death march - it happened in 1838-39 as greedy white settlers sought to remove a thriving Cherokee nation from its land in order to claim it for themselves. First the Cherokees were placed in concentration camps and then forced to march 1,000 miles on foot in the middle of Winter, at least 4,000 of them died. The Cherokees weren't the only Indian nations forced off of their land in the Southeast United States around that time, however this is perhaps the most tragic of those events. Telling this story forces us to take a hard look at American history and even some of our current policies and viewpoints.

There are some things we definitely shouldn't be proud of...

Number 10 - The Balkan Holocaust: Most of us have forgotten how bad things really got in Yugoslavia in the 1990's. Nearly 200,000 were killed in Bosnia alone as the Serbs practiced "ethic cleansing" on their Muslim neighbors. There have been a few movies on the topic, most notably the uneven "Welcome to Sarajevo" starring Ohio native Woody Harrleson. No one has yet properly addressed the topic which is even more relevant now given the growing global intolerance of the Muslim community. An interesting arc for the movie would be to view the events through the lens of the Dayton Accords - a peace process that brought the Balkins back from the edge of the abyss. Of course, embedded within this story is the story of the siege of Sarajevo - which lasted nearly a year.

Intolerance always leads to something much worse...

Sarajevo, home of the 1984 Winter Olympics
was plunged into Hell 10 years later...

Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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More Classic Than Classic

The other day someone asked me what my favorite movie of all time was, without hesitation I answered back “Blade Runner.” While I think Artificial Intelligence is a distant second, Blade Runner will likely continue to hold its first place ranking for the foreseeable future. So why do folks like me still obsess over this movie, after all it is now nearly 30 years old (that’s frightening to admit by the way as 1982 is the year I graduated High School)?

For me, this film represents everything that a movie can be – a synergy of art and entertainment, a visual banquet and a symphony. The story is simple, the characters are complex, the direction is flawless and the performances are memorable. This was the movie that introduced us to Edward James Olmos, Sean Young and Rutger Hauer; it gave Harrison Ford a depth that we hadn’t seen before. Blade Runner also provided us with what I still believe is the single best soundtrack in motion picture history, scored and performed by Vangelis. The soundtrack was so powerful that it literally became one with movie, narrating it in emotional overtones which transcended the music. I still listen to that soundtrack to this day and it never, ever gets old.


Both the music of Blade Runner & Sean Young were beyond compare...

Blade Runner sets a mood, builds its own universe and then draws you in bit by bit. Even though it is Science Fiction, it felt like a combination of reality + film noir. There are some scenes that simply stood out for being visually unforgettable. One example that comes to mind is where Dr. Tyrell opens the patio of his penthouse suite and we see the sun streaming in to fill the luxurious surroundings. Director Ridley Scott used a variation of the same scene nearly 20 years later when filming Gladiator. Between Ridley and his brother Tony, the brothers Scott have directed or produced the majority of my top ten film favorites of all-time. These guys instinctively understand cinema, what works, what looks good, what compels us to experience movies rather than merely watch them.

The story told in Blade Runner also plays an important role in making it a classic. Like the Matrix, Blade Runner tackles a fundamental philosophical paradox and makes us question what is humanity; what does it mean to be human, to be real. And it confronts this dilemma without ever referring it directly. In other words, it makes us think and read between the lines to grasp the full scope of what is actually unfolding before us. This is not to say that the Scott brothers don’t know how to employ action, they surely do; but they prefer the Mozart version over say Jerry Bruckheimer’s Salieri. In a Scott film, action can and does further the plot without turning it into roadkill. And the parting message of the film is as true today as it ever was, the final truth about one’s humanity is usually most apparent when we are closest to losing it.

The performances in Blade Runner were nothing short of iconic. From Leo, to Joanna Cassidy’s Snake Dancer, to the Eye Doctor to J.F. Sebastian and the intellectually cruel Dr. Tyrell – the characters simply came alive. Sean Young really stole the show though – her picture even ended up on the Vangelis “Themes” soundtrack cover. She took the film noir replicant temptress and made her believable – both vulnerable and passionate, one of the great female leads of all time. In this movie she harnessed Marilyn Monroe level star power, it’s too bad Hollywood never gave her chance to repeat this type of performance.


Here are some interesting deleted scenes from Blade Runner

At the Tyrell Corporation, we have a slogan; “More Human than Human.” Even the dialog from Blade Runner has become iconic, with White Zombie turning this line into what is now a classic hard rock song in the 1990’s. I don’t think anyone ever could or perhaps ever should make a sequel to this movie – it is almost inevitable that fans of the original would be disappointed.

A true classic can stand the test of time all on its own.



Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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The WWF & Wall Street Villainy

Many years ago as part of short-lived and sometimes bizarre writing career I found myself working for a professional wrestler, one of the stars of the WWF in its heyday. Back in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s the World Wrestling Federation was a billion dollar enterprise and had become very mainstream. While I found myself a bit out of my element (I had never been to a wrestling match or NASCAR race in my life), I had to admit the experience was somewhat exhilarating. Professional Wrestling is the ultimate spectacle, sort of a combination morality play, political convention and circus all rolled up into one, larger than life event.

The whole thing came together quite unexpectedly, I met the wrestler through a family member and soon discovered that he was working in Japan. I struck up a conversation with him (he shall remain nameless, at least for now) and happened to mention that I was studying Japanese. The wrestler then offered to pay me to help develop an identity for him to use in Japan. So I had my assignment and began putting together names and personas that I thought might be appealing to the Japanese wrestling market (of course I had no idea what that was, but it was an interesting assignment).

Not long after the assignment began I heard back from the wrestler, he told me that he’d reconsidered going to Japan and wanted to revitalize his North American image instead with a new character. He had been used to playing the “good guy” and felt it was limiting his star or earning potential. He wanted to go rogue and I was just the guy to help him get there. I studied the WWF, where he worked, almost as though I were an anthropologist trying to understand both the spectacle and the culture which supported it. I soon realized that he was absolutely correct, in pro wrestling bad guys definitely have more fun. We started talking about the possibilities and he then asked me if I would help him with his WWF transformation and I immediately agreed.


These bad guys couldn't hold a candle to the Wall Street American Nightmare Team

In many ways, the exercise was like developing a character for a book or movie although here the plot wasn’t altogether that important and would remain fairly predictable. The fact that the plot never changes is rather cool though if you think about it because then everything revolves around character development. I gave him 100 notorious villains to choose from, some of them borrowed from common culture references, some of them quite funny and others more menacing. We worked together on that character for more than a year and at that time it became one of the most popular (or unpopular depending on your point of view) stars in the WWF. Working with pro wrestlers didn’t seem like a viable career path though so I moved on – never even got to meet Vince McMahon, but suddenly this week I was struck by an inspiration or urge perhaps. It seems to me that now is perfect time to create the ultimate pro wrestling villain.

The entire nation is restless and worried about war and economy; the nation is outraged at bailouts and scandal, the nation is ready for the best wrestling villains ever, so here they are, ready for the new year:

Character 1 – The Goldman’s Sacks: A shifty looking man in a banker’s suit with a rather large, gold colored sack which he fills up with taxpayer dollars. The Goldman Sack’s sometimes tag teams with Senator Scandal.

Character 2 – The Geithner: This character resembles the Hamburglar and steals lunch money from impoverished children, handing it over to foreign banks at 100 cents on the dollar.

Character 3 – Senator Scandal: What can we say, this guy has everything. He cheats on his wife, takes bribes and helps The Goldman Sacks scoop up all of the money while ordinary folks lose their homes and go bankrupt.

Character 4 – The Outsorcerer : He has magical powers and looks a little bit like a deranged Merlin, he can wave his wand and poof, American jobs disappear in a flash.

Character 5 – The Politician: Need we say more? He lures his victims in by pretending to be reasonable and then lowering the boom on them once they’ve bestowed their trust to him he crushes their hopes and dreams (and vital organs). He can tag team with any of the other characters.

Together these arch villains might make up the 4 1/2 horses asses of the apocalypse? What do you think, should I call up Vince McMahon?


Copyright 2009, Raving Reviews™

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