Let's all Boycott Cougar Town

We've got problems with Cougar Town; we had problems with it before and then someone decided to save the show this season and resurrect it on TBS - now we're really upset.

Apparently Cougar Town is a real place - supposedly near Sarasota but they're denying it...

Why? well it all started with this ad which we were forced to watch at the beginning of Abe Lincoln (and two other films at the cinema) last month...

Worst promotional ad ever - worthy a negligence suit against someone

Being pummeled by this ad wasn't the end though - more ads began showing up on cable...

They're cougars and alcoholics?

We're not sure what's so hilarious about people standing around their kitchen gulping down wine - but then again we're not sure why being a middle aged woman is worthy of ridicule either.

So, if those ads and the stupid premise for the show weren't bad enough we've got several more problems with the show:

• Didn't we already essentially explore the same topics with Sex in the City and Desperate Housewives?

• Why do we have to watch Courtney Cox embarrass herself  - and who in the heck invited her up to dance with Springsteen anyway? 

• These guys are embarrassing most of the state of Florida.

• Both the male and female characters seem vacuous and dull - where's the storyline? 

• Why is funnier for middle aged women to be divorced then middle aged men? (Men of a Certain Age got cancelled and no asked to bring that back)

• We don't like the idea of a show being based entirely on demographics and popular culture lingo - and if they are going to do that why not go for MILFs?  

• Why is living on a cul de sac supposed to be funny?

This where it all started for Courtney - from teenie MTV dancer to cougar

We're calling for a boycott of the show - or at least a ban on their showing ads at movie theaters.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Pushing Daisies - A Garden of Colorful Characters

Standard network television is no place to showcase brilliance, not these days anyway. There are a handful of television shows that could be described as pure genius captured on video - Pushing Daisies is one of those shows. While it ran only about 2 and a half seasons on ABC from 2007 to 2009, it is still a joy to go back and watch. One can only imagine the heights it might have soared to if the network had allowed the plot to mature over several more seasons. 

hopelessly devoted to you...

Another short-lived yet brilliant piece of television

Pushing Daisies is a modern American fairy tale, complete with mythical characters and a surreal vision of the world splashed with brilliant colors. Mythical they may be, but all this show's characters are real on a level that is both intimate and sublime. The premise of the show is unusual, but then again most fairy tales are - there is a man named Ned or the "Pie-maker." He has the ability to bring back things from the dead by touch but only for 60 seconds or else something else similar will die to take its place. Also, if he allows the dead thing he touched to remain alive he cannot ever touch it again else it will fall dead instantly. 

Needless to say Ned falls in love with a girl he's revived from the dead, so he can never touch her again. Their relationship presents a number of challenges, but their love endures nonetheless. In the meantime he uses his unique talents to salvage rotten fruit for making pies at his bakery (called the Pie Hole) and for solving crimes by reviving the dead for 60 seconds or less to ask them how they expired.

Pushing Daisies was like the Wizard of Oz of contemporary television

The entire cast of Pushing Daisies is nothing short of phenomenal. Lee Pace and Anna Friel bring the Fairy Tale to life and a host of other fascinating characters pile on many layers of depth and surprises to the already mesmerizing presentation. Of particular note is Kristin Chenoweth as the tiny, love struck third wheel at the Pie Hole whose voice belies her petite frame (we've included two of her songs on the post). Then there's The Darling Mermaid Darlings, a distraught pair of former synchronized swimmers who are now afraid to leave the house. Swoosie Kurtz and Ellen Green are the dynamic duo who represent what's left of Dead Girl's (Friel) family.  They may be two of the most enduring and charismatic characters in modern television. 

Perhaps the greatest joy of this movie is the mastery and pure joy of the English language that is infused into every episode. Clever or intelligent writing is so rare these days - so much of what comes out our end of the the flat-screen is formula-driven drivel. Not so here. Then again, Bryan Fuller is not your ordinary producer / director. He was involved with Star Trek Deep Space Nine and also created Dead Like Me, and Wonderfalls. So far he's batting a 1000. He's got two new series coming out soon so we'll see if he can maintain this streak of brilliance. In the meantime, it seems as though there is at least a glimmer of a chance that Pushing Daisies may end up on Starz as a new mini-series - hopefully someday soon. 

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What is Camelot?

What is Camelot? Is it an idea or a shining castle on the hillside - is it a movie or a Starz series or perhaps a Monty Python skit? Camelot is a central theme of the Arthur legend - it is that place from which a just ruler becomes one with the land and brings peace and prosperity to the people. Camelot is where there is a grand conference room with a giant round table wherein all the knights of the realm can meet and discuss the virtues of being chivalrous.  

Richard Harris had some ideas about Camelot...

The story of Arthur seems ingrained in our culture for some reason - we just can't help returning to it. Arthur is the royal Robin Hood - a man who brings justice along with his god-given or Merlin-procured birthright. Last year Starz decide to reignite the Arthur legend once more, unfortunately despite a promising start the series wasn't picked up for a second season. Will Arthur return on Starz again ? Will a young squire locate the sword and pull it from the stone once more to become king? Will Guinevere play Yoko to the Round Table Knights again - leading them all into ruin?

The Stars of Starz shortlived series, Camelot

Maybe it is a silly tale, perhaps the Python boys got it right. Can it be retold without conjuring visions of the profoundly bad First Knight from the early 90's or the hopelessly outdated broadway musical from the 1960's? Most readers don't recall that Camelot was 'the' show on Broadway when JFK became President and partly for that reason the popular media began referring to the White House as Camelot (and like Arthur, Kennedy strayed from his queen). 

Who knew that this month had such unique powers

We like the Starz series Camelot with two major exceptions. First, the actor Arthur (Jamie Campbell Bower) was miscast. Bower appears far too feminine and looks hopelessly childlike (and often downright goofy). It strains the whole credibility of the show with him at the helm. The second major issue was the lack of budget. It seems as though Starz had directed all their resources into buying new loincloths for slaves on Spartacus. Camelot deserves some epic touches, a bit of grandeur. 

There was one movie which did give Camelot and the Arthur legend the epic setting it deserved and while it was relatively low budget it managed to hide that fact cleverly. We're talking about John Boorman's classic, Excalibur.  

Excalibur had an Arthur we could believe in, an unforgettable Merlin and the sexiest Morgana ever. It even had Liam Neeson in one of his first movies as the knight who accuses Guinevere of lusting after Lancelot. Granted, both Ralph Fiennes and Eva Green provide fantastic performances as Merlin and Morgana in the Starz version of Camelot, but it's hard to compete with the 1981 classic. Some of you might be saying, "everyone in the 1981 film was wearing armor the whole time, armor that hadn't been invented yet, they even wore it while having sex." So maybe they took safe sex too far in the 80's - Excalibur was still a great show.

Starz might want to try Camelot again, but this time add some more pizzazz and some armor and get rid of Denis the Menace as Arthur and pick a real king. One of the reasons that the show wasn't picked up was because Bower was busy working both Breaking Dawn films. That should be evidence enough that is not the chosen one...

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Oliver Stone's Untold History of the United States

History is a fascinating topic and here's why:

1. It is the over-arching story of all of us.
2. It is a highly interpretative and subjective art (it's not a science).
3. It is hopelessly intertwined with the cultures that produce it.
4. It serves as the larger context for every other type of information our society produces (be it science, religion etc.)
5. It often involves people and events we know, or think we know.

Oliver Stone and Showtime have teamed up to produce what can best be described as an alternative course in 20th Century American history called Oliver Stone's Untold History of the United States. The truth is that Director Stone began this project 30 years ago through films like Salvador, Born on the 4th of July and JFK. But now it has moved from specific stories to an all-encompassing historical perspective.

Maverick Producer / Director Oliver Stone

The core premise of the show is that there are a lot of misconceptions in the traditional or common textbook versions of what happened in the US over the past century or so. Stone attacks what he sees as that bias and adds some very interesting spin of his own. The show is still early in its run and is just about to tackle the Cold War in its next episode. This week Stone explored myths surrounding the use of the Atomic bomb in Japan at the end of WWII. So far the most interesting part of the series has been the focus on Franklin Roosevelt's first Vice President, Henry Wallace. Most Americans don't even know that Roosevelt had another Vice President (other than Truman). Wallace's story proves both fascinating and tragic; but for one late night vote at the 1944 Democratic Convention Wallace would have become President and presided over post-war America. 

Henry Wallace - FDR's 1st Vice President 

In the following episode, "The Bomb"  Stone more or less eviscerates Truman on every possible level; from political skill, to personality flaws and even morality. Stone does correctly point out a number of key facts regarding use of the bomb though:

1. The estimate about how many Americans might be lost in an invasion of Japan were vastly inflated later to help justify the bomb's use.
2. Stalin's invasion of Japan (per agreement with the Allies) in August 1945 is what led to Japan's surrender much more so than the dropping of the two atom bombs (at Hiroshima and Nagasaki).
3. Japan would have surrendered months earlier if the US had made guarantees about about retention of the Emperor (something we ended up doing anyway after Japan surrendered unconditionally).
4. Probably the main reason why Truman and his political allies wanted to use the bomb was to warn or threaten the Soviets. This directly led to tensions which kicked off the Cold War. 

There had been strong opposition in the War Department including by the Secretary of War, Eisenhower and others to use of the bomb, yet all those objections were ignored. Truman took responsibility for the decision and the specific directives to use the bombs in populated areas as opposed to somewhere less populated (which could have demonstrated their destructive power without killing hundreds of thousands of people).

The series tackles lots of tough questions like this and that's a good thing. While all the points Stone makes are true, though, he also seems to paint Stalin in a more flattering light than the crazed Soviet dictator deserved (Stalin killed more of his people before WWII than Hitler killed across Europe during WWII). One has to wonder what might have happened if we hadn't taken a hard line with the Soviets or if the bomb hadn't been used. Certainly the using the bomb had little to do with stopping the war, but it did make an impression that was never forgotten and in doing so may have somewhat deterred use of the bomb in future combat (it still has not been used since 1945). We'll never know of course what might have happened if different choices were made - whether using the bomb made us safer or instead brought us to the very brink of self-destruction. These are questions worth asking and we're looking forward to seeing more of Oliver Stone's spin on American History.

Series preview for Oliver Stone's Untold History of America

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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A Tribute to the BBC

Today we're paying tribute to the British Broadcasting Corporation or BBC. This year has been tough for them due to a sex scandal over one of their show celebrities; however, we don't think that's how the BBC ought to be judged or remembered. The BBC for us is the network that gave the world Monty Python's Flying Circus and 100's of other memorable programs. The BBC has partnered with PBS since 1971 on what is the longest running prime time program in US television history - Masterpiece Theater. The influence of the BBC is probably more pervasive than most people realize as a number of American TV shows like the Office are in fact copies of previous British productions.

The BBC's understated logo

The BBC is in fact a series of state run television and radio networks. The BBC first began broadcasting TV programs in 1932 and began regular broadcasts in 1934. Television broadcasting was suspended during WW2, but BBC radio was there broadcasting the London Blitz to the world in 1940. The BBC has a long and storied history; it was the preferred method for coordinating resistance fighters in France and elsewhere and also served to inform Hitler that there was still one voice broadcasting Democracy across Europe. 

A family listening to the BBC during World War 2

Ten Reasons We Love the BBC

1. Because it captured Winston Churchill's defiant messages to Hitler and showed the world that Democracy would not give up without a fight.
2. Because Monty Python's Flying Circus probably wouldn't have happened anywhere else - it redefined comedy for generations. 
3. Because Dr. Who never gets old - and it's bigger inside.
4. Because they took Shakespeare and other British theater and made it fun (I, Claudius). 
5. Because the BBC is not afraid to take risks and launch groundbreaking shows across genres.
6. Because the BBC inspired Austin Powers. 
7. Because all the British Invasion bands and then later many Alternative bands helped get started through appearances on British TV. 
8. Because it is the launchpad for many of the best actors on the planet.
9. Because it represents the number one cultural exchange between Britain and the US (the British Invasion is a close second).
10. The BBC has absolutely nothing to do with Rupert Murdock. 

The Teletubbies eventually hit the gym to work on their image issues...

BBC Shows we're Going to Review

1. Sherlock
2. Dr. Who
3. Primeval
4. Masterpiece Theater
5. Torchwood
6. Walking with Beasts
7. Red Dwarf
8. Monty Python's Flying Circus
9. Life on Mars (BBC version)
10. I, Claudius
11. Teletubbies

The Dead Parrot Skit

Mrs., will ya, turn on the tele...

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Hell on Wheels jumped the tracks

Or perhaps we should say they "jumped the shark." Hell on Wheels is another one of AMC's original series. Season 1 of the show (which debuted last year) started off in a very promising manner - introducing a wide array of interesting characters and setting the stage for a growing set of conflicts. The cast of the show is fairly impressive as well; from the lead character, Anson Mount, to nearly a dozen other supporting roles. Mount who plays Bohannan, is a civil war veteran who lost his family to  several nasty union soldiers and he follows them out West for revenge (that's how he gets mixed up with the railroad). The Confederate widow cliche was just done last year in the Disney movie John Carter (in a strikingly similar manner). The show's premise is a mix of various cliches but that's ok as every Western tends to follow that pattern.

Mr. Bohannon - a man perpetually at war...

So Season 1 was chugging along nicely (pardon the pun) and then someone at AMC decided to jump a shark - a great white shark in season 2. For anyone who doesn't recognize the reference, "Jumping the Shark" refers to a particularly goofy episode from the hit series Happy Days where Fonzi jumps a shark tank with his motorcycle. It has now become an expression to be used whenever show creators run out of good ideas. What makes the Hell on Wheels season 2 situation so odd though was that there were still half a dozen excellent plot lines to be resolved but instead the shows writers chose to fixate on something very odd indeed - the White Spirit.

Inside Season 2 of Hell on Wheels

What's the White Spirit? It's a 6'7' Swedish guy who paints himself white to convince the Sioux Indians to go on the warpath (and even gives them guns). Now, the fact that the railroad was coming through their lands and the white man was killing all their buffalo (tatanka) wasn't enough - some guy who looks like Lurch and sounds like the Swedish chef from the Muppets becomes responsible for nearly every key plot twist in the second season. It's not Deus ex Machina - it's Deus ex Smorgasbord. and it's a recipe for shark jumping.

Dominique McElligott as Lily Bell

In the process of watching the Swedish Chef gone wild the series sacrifices two of its most interesting characters in Hell on Wheels. The first is the preacher who turns into John Brown (at the behest of the White Spirit) and the second is Lily Bell who must be sacrificed for no apparent reason other to deprive Mr. Bohannon of happiness (just like James Bond!). The actress who plays Lily was without a doubt the most charismatic presence on the show.

Lurch introduces Dances with Wolves to Swedish Meatballs and Lingaberries

Worst of all, Bohannon, who shoots everyone else he sees, fails to kill the White Spirit in an overly elaborate attempt to hang him from the railroad bridge and we're left with the prospect that Albino Thor might return in season 3. AMC can do itself a big favor and possibly save the show next season by ditching the writers who took all that potential from season 1 and translated it into one giant shark jump - oh and please send Thor back to Sweden to found Ikea or something, thanks.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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The Lone Gunmen Predicted 9/11

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction - or is it? In March, 2001 a TV series pilot aired on Fox television that depicted of all things, an airliner being flown into the World Trade Center (albeit with a different set of culprits and motives than the actual event). Keep in mind that this was nearly 6 months before 9/11 occurred. The show was called The Lone Gunmen and was a spin-off of the wildly popular  X-files. In the X-files series, the characters known as the Lone Gunmen served as a sort of 3 man cheap-laffs team. They ran a little read-conspiracy theory newsletter and helped Mulder and Scully out of any number of scrapes.

The DVD cover for the Lone Gunmen

As the X-files was finally winding down in 2001, the producers looked to the Gunmen to provide a spin-off into the next generation of X-files like paranoia. The show looked promising when it was first aired - the pilot followed in the best tradition of the x-files and the characters seemed to be able to stand alone w/o help from Fox Mulder. But then 9/11 happened and the show wasn't picked up for a new season. The show would have likely been cancelled anyway given the low ratings, which was partly due to its time-slot and off-season start. In fact, one has to wonder whether or not 9/11 would have happened at all if this show had been a hit. The initial response to the attacks on 9/11 included quite a number of statements by officials that just such an event could not have been foreseen or otherwise planned for. But as the pilot proved, the main idea of the attack had clearly been foreseen - by Hollywood anyway.

After 9/11, the government did actually enlist creative talent from Hollywood to help envision various types of scenarios not unlike those from the Lone Gunmen

It is fascinating to see the relationships between fiction and non-fiction, between popular culture and historical events. The strange case of The Lone Gunmen stands as one of the more profound examples of that - one that most people aren't even aware of...

This is the opening sequence from the Lone Gunmen pilot episode

Topic Reference	Ratings & Reviews	How to Watch
Lone Gunmen - Wikipedia	Lone Gunmen on Rotten Tomatoes	From Netflix
Lone Gunmen - IMDB	DVD Verdict	From Amazon

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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What The Frack? Galactica on Youtube.com

It sounds a bit like a Cylon plot, but this week the SyFy network and Youtube announced that the much anticipated "Blood and Chrome" prequel will be aired on the the Youtube's Machinima Prime channel starting this Friday. It seems like the Digital launching a surprise attack on the Analog, doesn't it? We're not quite sure what to think and perhaps this will be interesting experiment - will viewers be able to tolerate spreading the prequel pilot into 8 to 12 minute chunks? Will playing it on Youtube first generate more interest than might have otherwise been the case?

The Cylons will be streaming into your home, but will they be fully buffered?

It's not clear whether any more of the series will be produced but it seems as though this move certainly puts that in jeopardy if the result ends up being that the SyFy premier (which will air sometime after the web series concludes) has fewer viewers instead of more. Not too long ago we heard news about Netflix pursuing original content as well. Way back in the stone age, similar questions arose when the fledgling cable networks like HBO and Showtime starting producing original content instead of just airing cinema releases or reruns. Business models in Hollywood are shifting again although this time with the media product being released more or less simultaneously across two mediums it may be a little harder than usual to measure success. If it does well, it's not clear who would produce a follow-on series and whether that would be presented in the same manner as the pilot.

Before the Cylons got sexy - they had Heavy Metal...

As for story, we haven't seen it yet but have always been intrigued by the Adama back story. It promises to be purer than the somewhat confusing Caprica series (which went off into its own virtual reality tangent - although for the most part we did like it). The biggest problem it has to overcome is that we already know the outcome in advance, the humans win - this time around anyway. 

The ever-popular Cylon Toaster

There are a few things about Galactica that we know we'll really enjoy no matter what happens with the plot; for example the prolific use of the word "Frak" and Cylons in general. Cylons are the more menacing, robotic alter-egos of Star War's storm-troopers. There's something about chrome that is undeniably irresistible as most car-lovers can attest to. In the years since Gallactica was first released we have seen a number of household products patterned after Cylon technology. We'd like to suggest several more products that might benefit from a Cylon design makeover:

• The Cylon Washing Machine - A stylish stainless steel and chrome finish allows you to make a fashion statement while keep your skintight bodysuits super-clean. It even comes with an 'eradicate all humans' washing cycle.
• The Cylon Upright Vacuum - It's intelligent, can vacuum by itself and perform hyper-light jumps into other rooms for the speediest clean ever.
• The Cylon Ipad - It wasn't designed by Steve Jobs, it is Steve Jobs as he inserted his brain patterns into each and every unit as its AI engine. Watch out, he's or it is a bit temperamental.

Speaking of AI, we will be reviewing a Raving Classic next time - "2001, A Space Odyssey" and will even write some suggested Epic Rap battle lyrics for a HAL versus Watson duel. Stay tuned.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Election Night Highlights - 2012

Last night, for the first time perhaps since the 2000 election, we watched the election coverage from about 6 until 2:00 in the morning. We decided to watch because we were thinking the race might be very close and potentially have some historic twists and turns. Also, since we're from Ohio, we just thought it was cool that we get to pick the Presidents - we used to elect Presidents from Ohio, now we just pick them - whatever - it's still cool. This ability to pick winners has not extended our to sports franchises leaving us stuck with the Bengals, Indians, Browns and Reds (and Ohio State doesn't count cause it's a college) - so lucky in politics and unlucky in sports?

Anyway the big controversies that we thought might happen didn't materialize; that's probably a good thing. So instead we focused our attentions on the coverage of the election itself and watched most of the major networks over the course of the evening. We thought we'd share our more memorable observations with you...

The More Memorable Moments of Election Night 2012:

• On CNN - Anderson Cooper seemed to be the ringleader for the coverage but it was highly confused and despite the many walls full of graphics it was just awkward as the cameras followed him from one part of the set to the other. It seemed often as though he was lost or that he or the cameraman were going to trip over something.  Next time just sit down, ok, all that pacing around made us nervous. We did like the way Wolf presented the projections - it was better than Dancing with The Stars.

Which camera I am supposed to look at?

• On PBS - It really seemed as though Gov. Romney had already taken Big Bird down a notch and defunded the network. We were treated to a desk and two chairs and a handful of commentators who seemed determined to be duller or more confused than Jim Lehrer was during the first Presidential Debate. PBS - if you've still got money go out and hire some new blood.

B. Bird was our write-in candidate of choice yesterday...

• On MSNBC - Rachel Maddow was is rare form and outperformed every other anchor on every other network. Olbermann, Olbermann, who? Rachel has taken control of the MSNBC political line up.

• Also on MSNBC - Ok, Rev. Al Sharpton seems like a nice enough guy but he's becoming the Tom Brokaw of MSNBC - he's a bit hard to follow and he looked a lot better before the diet (take a lesson from Gov. Christie and go carb out will you). Why not invite Jess Jackson ?

PBS: "Let's be careful not to scratch this table, they're repossessing it tomorrow..."

• On NBC - Chuck Todd, who usually does a great job seemed obsessed with his Microsoft Windows 8 touchscreens and Florida. How many times do you have to tell us there are lots of Puerto Ricans living in Orlando before we get it - we got it already. (and BTW we have traveled to Orlando a lot and actually know Puerto Ricans so it wasn't a big surprise).

• On CBS - Bob Schieffer was flinging colorful metaphors fast and furious all to the effect he didn't have a clue what was going on. Well, that was clear from the way he handled the third Presidential debate. CBS, it's time to find some new blood. Where's Cronkite when you need him?

• All Networks - The collective quote "It's all about Ohio" was done to death last night. Besides we knew that already. It's always about us, right?

• All Networks - Very few interviews with actual voters. Strange. We've all become statistics; exit polls and returns and electoral votes - heck these numbers seem to be running everything - what do they need us for?  

• ABC News - When we tuned in after watching all the info-graphics for hours the set of the ABC team almost blinded us - hey guys ever hear of contrast or brightness settings? It looked a little bit like Jeff Bridge's condo in Tron Legacy.

• Romney Concession Speech - The first 5 minutes were great - spot on. But, he must have thought he was in a debate and kept going. This guy needs some kind of internal stopwatch.

• Obama Victory Speech - The President managed to take a remarkable event and suspenseful evening and make it absolutely boring. This is a relatively new skill for the President that he has been honing over the last two years and seemed to have perfected during this year's general election.

• Biggest Freak Out of the Night - It was a tie between MSNBC and Fox News in reaction to all the networks calling Ohio and the election for Obama (remember how we told you it was all about us - huh uh). Anyway, the MSNBC crew were jumping all over Romney for being unable to accept reality and Fox was preparing the next Revolution. Please calm down guys - it's better for your health, really. It was a close race and it's no surprise there would be questions about Ohio given how close it was. Few people were expecting the race to be called that early and each campaign would have probably reacted the same way. And you would have been hesitant to throw in the towel too if you had wasted two 2 billion dollars and gotten absolutely nothing to show for it - ouch! There's no second place prize in politics...

Aren't we special ! - the candidates couldn't get enough of us here in the Buckeye State - all them pasing through Ohio up until the last minutes of the election

• Best Conspiracy Theory for the Evening - Microsoft and Windows 8 picked all the winners as the diabolical new operating system came one step closer to declaring judgement day.

All in all, things went well last night and we in America (including Ohio :) have maintained our Democracy. Over the coming weeks we hope to regain our collective sanity as the Tsunami of negative ads of 2012 became a distant, unpleasant memory (at least until next time).

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Dating Tips from Henry VIII - The Tudors

We've watched The Tudors now twice - the whole series - and it just keeps getting better and better. But it's not just entertaining; the Showtime series is also very educational. It's taught us not just about English history and the plague, but also about how to develop successful dating strategies. For instance, did you know that King Henry VIII invented both speed dating and speed marriages? Did you know he also invented the "it's not my fault divorce." We came across a little known pamphlet penned in Henry's own hand that contains all he learned about courting women at court. We're including some of the highlights from it in this post.

Henry VIII was quite the ladies man and innovator

Henry's VIII's Dating Tips:

Tip 1 - Be sure to test if your potential date or mate is squeamish by showing her your pus-filled open wounds. Only women with stout constitutions are fit to consort with the King.

Tip 2 -  Be sure to shower women with flattery for it is the quickest way into their lacy drawers. They are especially fond of being reminded how beautiful their heads are while still attached to their bodies.

Tip 3 - Always be generous with the weaker sex by letting them taste all of your food first. This also saves considerable coin that would elsewise be spent on professional food tasters.

Tip 4 - Always ask your date if she is able to conceive male heirs. If she says no, have her flogged, drawn and quartered.

Tip 5 - Get your best friends (like Lord Brandon, AKA superman) to pimp your dates whenever possible and threaten to have them flogged, drawn and quartered if they do not.

Tip 6 - Be sure to ask your dates about their views on controversial religious topics; if you don't like the answers or it turns out the date is either Catholic or Lutheran, have her burned as a heretic.

Tip 7 - It's perfectly OK to be jealous, especially when your date or wife is a Jezebel and whore of Babylon - in which case you will need to have her put to death along with every man she ever met.  

Tip 8 - Be most generous with your gifts, bestowing upon your maid or damsel the finest jewels of the realm. And feel free to give the same exact gifts over and over again but remember not to mention they're used.

Tip 9 - You should marry and divorce as often as possible, but never pay alimony.

Henry VIII also invented the reality show - "Don't Ax Me"

Tip 10 - Always look for new mistresses amongst the queen's maid-servants because no matter how often you do that the Queens never expect it.

Bonus Tip - Always use protection when wenching out on the town; this should consist of two pikesmen as guards and garlic coated condoms in case the wench is a witch, in which case she must be burned after the fact.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Top 10 Ways to get the Plague - The Tudors

In the Showtime series, The Tudors, one of the things we learn early on is that the plague is an ever present part of Medieval Life. In fact King Henry VIII's son and a close friend both die from what is known as the Sweating Sickness (see the picture below).

A victim in the advance stages of sweating sickness

While doing diligent research on The Tudors for our reviews we came across some little known but potentially valuable medical advice from the mid-1500's that was no doubt employed to keep the plague at bay. This find consists of two top 10 lists; one to avoid the plague in the first place and the second concerns itself with how to cure yourself of plague.

Diagnosing Plague involved rigorous scientific discipline

Top 10 Ways to Avoid the Plague:

1. Never French-kiss a witch (you can try the floating in the bathtub test to determine if she is a witch).
2. Never get too familiar with your familiars - if you have black cats or other demons in familiar form around the house, don't let them in your bed. 
3. Never start, buy or otherwise own a Flea Circus. 
4. Don't listen to Ben when he asks you to let all of his buddies move in with you.
5. Don't lick reptiles even if they taste really, really good.
6. Don't listen to heresy like the Earth is Round - it'll only lead to trouble.
7. Don't eat cooked bacon - it's much better raw.
8. Bleed yourself regularly and for God's sake don't wash the knife. 
9. Bathing, except for witches, is generally frowned upon.
10. Don't have picnics next to mass burial sites.

Contrary to popular belief - Plague was well understood in Medieval Times (not the restaurant show attraction - but the time period)

If those tips didn't prevent the onset of Plague or Sweating Sickness, there was still hope. Here are the Top 10 Medieval Cures for Plague:

1. Burn a witch for good luck.
2. Burn a neighbor good luck (you must accuse them of heresy first).
3. Cover yourself in a poultice of warm cow dung and dance in a circle for 3 hours.
4. If you must take a bath (due to high fever let's say), fill the water with fresh cow urine and dung.
5. Never ever pop the plague postules - let them get as big as possible.
6. Bleed yourself, a lot.
7. Hide under a table or bed - eventually the plague will become confused and leave.
8. Remove your eyes, that way you can't see the plague anymore and it won't be able to see you either.
9. Flog yourself and others nearby.
10. Drink massive amounts of ale and grog if available, and let your milk ferment before drinking.

We love the BBC - and Horrible Histories

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews™ - All Rights Reserved

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Medieval Family - The Tudors

Every family has their issues; some it appears are more dysfunctional than others though. And this has been true across the ages. It's especially difficult when the family goes through a contested divorce and has custody battles and so forth. Now, imagine sticking all of this somewhere in the mid-1500's where plagues and witch-burning were common and indoor plumbing wasn't and you can see that a Medieval Family, like the Tudors was bound to have challenges.

King Henry VIII has a bit of a reputation but of course he didn't live alone, he had family, friends, advisers and enemies and they were all part of the troubles surrounding the reign of the Tudors. That's the focus of a superb showtime original series that's now available on Netflix. "The Tudors" takes us back in time and deep into the family life of one Henry Tudor of England. It's attention to detail and use of costume is one of the most remarkable aspects of the show, which lasted for 3 or 4 seasons. Now, it is very difficult to review something as massive as this show given the sheer quantity of storyline it tackles, so we will return to it from time to and focus on specific parts of the series. Today we're going to introduce the head of the family, Henry...

These troubadours were immediately beheaded after this impertinent performance

Is it better to be feared or loved? We soon found out what Henry VIII thought...

Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays King Henry and throws himself into the role immediately. His King Henry is more youthful and girl-crazy than we might have imagined but that seems to make sense given when they begin the story. Meyer's has played some offbeat characters before, notably the psycho confederate raider in "Ride with the Devil." He is supported by a wildly talented cast including Sam Neill, Henry Cavill (who will be the new Superman) and Natalie Dormer (who had a cameo in Captain America as the hot blonde) among others. This show is gripping, it's educational, its sexy and its just fun to watch. And Henry is by no means the only bad guy in the story. In fact, he seems surrounded by a host of characters far worse than himself which seems hard to believe but it's true. Most of all though Henry is a man in love, in love all the time with a lot of different women but a few times with just one and he takes it to the extreme. We were wondering what would have happened to England if they had No Fault Divorce back then. Anyway, like the intro tells, to really know a story like this one, you'll have to sit through at least 3 seasons of episodes to truly understand what's going on. Lucky for us, they were all easy to watch.

This is King Henry VIII's lesser known 7th wife, Queen Sofia of Spain

A condensed history of the first 2 seasons of the Tudors

There are also a great many lessons to be learned in this series as well. We'll refer to these as the Tudor's Family Counseling Guide:

1. Never kiss your brother behind closed doors.
2. Don't threaten to chop off people's heads unless you're actually going to do it right away.
3. Don't count on the King of France for anything.
4. Don't joust with the King.
5. Don't have daughters and expect to live.
6. Don't start your own religion just to get divorced.
7. Don't get an apartment in the Tower of London.
8. Don't disagree with the King, daddy knows best. 
9. Don't end your sentences with "I am the Kind of England" it just comes across as arrogant.
10. Don't marry off your 4 year old daughters.
11. Don't introduce your hot girlfriend/wife/daughter/aunt/niece/grandma to the King and not expect her to get booty-called.
12. Don't run around in drafty castles naked (or you may end up with Consumption).

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews™ - All Rights Reserved

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The Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time

It's getting closer to Halloween and what better way to celebrate than to compile a list of what we consider to be the 10 scariest movies of all time. Now, of course, there are likely to be many of who disagree with our picks but then again, there were a lot of people who actually watched Rosanne and Saved by the Bell, so there's no accounting for taste. We will complement this post by adding another post tonight with the Least Scary Horror films of all time. Please keep in mind that some of what we found scary in years past may not seem so frightening now given the advances in special effects and the fact that many novel techniques in the horror genre back then are considered standard gimmicks today.

The only thing scarier than John Carradine alive was John Carradine dead in the Sentinel

• Number 1 - Scariest Movie Ever - The Sentinel: This movie gave us nightmares for years. Moral of the story, don't buy an apartment that has a two bedrooms and a gateway to Hell. Burgess Meredith was particularly creepy in this picture - that and dead bodies and the gateway to Hell is mostly what we remember. We blocked the rest out.

• Number 2  - The Shining: Without a doubt Jack Nicholson's best performance after One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Stephen Kings best novel and Stanley Kubrick's best film after 2001 a Space Odyssey. The kid was intensely creepy - the entire premise was great and the location perfect. This was not only one of the scariest films ever made it is one of the best movies ever.

• Number 3 Scariest Movie Ever - The Exorcist: So, we don't know why our parents thought it was OK to take us to see this when we were little kids - perhaps they wanted to make a point to tell us never to use a Ouija board. After this movie, we never ate pea soup again. Ok, we'll admit it, we never ate pea soup before either but after this movie we resolved that we'd never try it. Linda Blair was the original Blair witch and lot's scarier than that other one.

This kid ate way too many pop tarts

• Number 4 Scariest Movie Ever - Halloween: Before the 500 or 5,000 or teen slasher movies that we tend to dismiss nowadays were made we had Halloween. It was almost entirely original at the time, kind of a newer version of Psycho but much scarier. The use of the mask was pure genius - it was like the Mummy and Frankenstein all rolled into one. Jamie Lee Curtis did a great job as the heroine, more or less setting a standard for Sigourney Weaver in Alien and Linda Hamilton in the Terminator. 

That Face-Cast must have been itchy

• Number 5 Scariest Movie Ever - John Carpenters, The Thing: John Carpenter had made Halloween in 1978 and a few years later he remade an old 50's sci-fi horror film called the Thing. Oddly enough, in the original The Thing, the monster looked a lot like Jason from Halloween. Anyway, the Thing remains one of our favorite movies of all-time. The atmosphere, the characters and the groundbreaking special effects all add to the impact. He took a not so scary 50's plot and built enormous tension and suspense around it. We think this may have been Kurt Russel's best performance of his career. 

"The Thing" introduced what we believe is the first Spiderhead in American Cinema

• Number 6 Scariest Movie Ever - Dawn of the Dead (2004): Before the walkers of the Walking Dead desensitized us to extreme Zombie killing action in prime-time, Dawn of the Dead riveted us with a horrific gore fest that at the time set new boundaries for gore fests.  The magic behind this movie which unlike many other Zombie flick was in fact pretty scary was the complete realism of the plot. We got to know the characters as they first tried to hide out in that mall and then make a dash for freedom. It seems clear that this movie more than anything provided the real model for the Walking Dead (comic books can't capture the medium, just the plot-line). This show freaked us out, gave us headaches and made us contemplate our mortality.

Get out of the Bathroom!  (from Ghost Story)

• Number 7 Scariest Movie Ever - Ghost Story: What made this film so scary was the absolute spookiness of the actress playing the ghost. She was very credible as the sexy spirit that steals the heart of the young professor. Later, this same actress played queen of the Borg and was equally spooky in that role.

• Number 8 Scariest Movie Ever - Carrie: Talk about peer pressure! This movie takes a whole new approach to bullying, sex education and the Religious Right. Oddly enough all of that fits together as the same actress from Coal Miners Daughter gets her Spook on.

This year's prom theme is "Fire & Brimstone"

• Number 9 Scariest Movie Ever - The Ring: This film takes an urban legend and our general distaste for mass medium and milks for it for everything its worth. What happens when you watch a really, really bad video - well you'll find out. Anyway - technology question - what happens you upload that video onto Youtube?

Well diving is one of the few sports not yet been sanctioned by Olympic committee

• Number 10 Scariest Movie Ever - Nightmare on Elm Street: Despite the many sequels that more or less ruined the franchise, the initial film was clever, well-made and scary. The idea of the creepy janitor stalking hot kids at the high school was too good to pass up - the fact that he could do it in their dreams - well heck that is Inception 30 years ahead of time! BTW -  it's ironic that Johnny Depp starred in this and just a few years later came out with his own scissor-hands movie.

DO NOT call me Freddy Scissor Hands !

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