It's Beggars' Night and all the little Ghouls and Goblins are lurking about the neighborhood looking for a sugar fix. We were just flipping through the cable releases and came across a fairly recent horror flick called, The Priest. This film has a decent cast and seems have a fairly decent budget to work with but where it fall short is in the plot.
Well, that's either a cross on his face or he jammed his head into a really large wall socket
We're not sure, but we're guessing this story was based on some type of comic book - the dead giveaway up front was all the semi-animated drawings they used for the intro. The problem with that introduction was that it seemed to assume that we understood the back-story a lot better than we do; it's not clear if it is an alternative reality or ours. Anyway, there's this group of killer clerics called the priests - sort of a Jesuit meets Ninja club. In this story, there are no sexy vampires or hip teenage vampires or Counts running around in capes - instead we have these sort of super-sized naked moles with lots of teeth. These vampires don't have eyes and don't seem to be humanoid at all - in fact the big revelation towards the end is that we have this one former Priest (AKA Dr. McCoy from the Star Trek movie) who becomes the first human vampire (again making us wonder about a back story we seem to be missing). Now it does seem clear that there is a resemblance of these super-moles to the original Nosferatu vampire (shown below) who starred in perhaps the first true horror movie ever made.
This guy (we call him Nosey) could have been on the X-files, actually we think he was
This is the Vampire Mole. Ok, we definitely prefer Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, below
Where's the sexy silicon vampires when you need them?
Back to The Priest; this movie is a bit of a mix between sci-fi and horror but it never truly seems to make up its mind. It's a dark, somewhat dismal view of a post-apocalyptic future (which kind of goes without saying) brought about in this case by some type of all out human / vampire war. The characters are pretty thin, despite some serious staring and brooding by Paul Bettany and many looks of longing from Maggie Q. The tension between the Priests and the Church is assumed but never explained and the big plug for the sequel seemed to be reaching a bit too far. All in all we found "The Priest" disappointing and we recommend the producers of this film perform an act of contrition - let's say 3 "Hail Marys and 4 "Our Fathers." The motorcycles were cool though.
Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved
As promised we're back with another one of our Top Ten Lists for Halloween - this one is the Top 10 Best Horror shows on TV. While television isn't know for creating a lot of Horror-focused programming, it has over the years produced some truly memorable shows that compete fairly well with the best Cinema has to offer (which is saying a lot considering the sheer number of Horror films created since the dawn of Cinema). Anyway, here's the list...
# 1 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - American Horror Story: Some may argue whether this program belongs on the top of the list considering it only just aired last year - but then again, have you all watched it? The first season boasted a tremendous all-star cast headed by Jessica Lange in what might be the single best role of her career. American Horror story treads across a variety of boundaries for television horror with its many inter-linked and somewhat depraved stories. Perhaps the most interesting thing about the show is its decision to pick a new location and cast every year. Season one is gone forever although we're left to believe that the entire cast of ghosts will remain in that house for enternity as the show shifts directions starting this November 30 (too bad it wasn't in time for Halloween).
This house collects, families...
# 2 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - Kolchak: The Night Stalker : This show doesn't seem as scary as it did back in the 1970's, yet it was a groundbreaking television event in that it was dedicated solely to the horror genre and brought that genre mainstream. House of Dark Shadows had been on TV a few years before but that was more like a Soap Opera - Night Stalker was pure prime time horror and Darren McGavin's hard-nosed Chicago reporter was perhaps the proto-type for (yet much funnier than) Fox Mulder.
Kolchak was definitely NOT part of the mainstream media
# 3 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - Rod Serling's Night Gallery: This was a short-lived (mainly because Rod Serling passed away - well, actually the show was cancelled before he died but it was close) attempt to shift the Twilight Zone format to pure horror. So, it did somewhat preview what Night Stalker would do a few years later - but through the use of an unconnected anthology of horror tales. Just a note, we haven't included Twilight Zone or Outer Limits (either version of the two) because those shows weren't 100% focused on the horror genre, otherwise they would certainly merit inclusion here.
# 4 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - Tales from the Crypt: This HBO series was in some ways like a resurrection of Night Gallery, just without Rod Serling. It marked the first time that the new cable channels began developing original horror content. We might as well throw in Tales from the Darkside here as well given the similarity in format (and the one interesting thing Darkside had was a connection to Zombie tycoon, George Romero). These shows made sure that there was horror to watch on TV across many periods when no horror shows appeared on prime time.
# 5 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - Buffy, The Vampire Slayer: We have somewhat mixed feelings about Buffy, but without a doubt it helped to created a new interest in the horror genre on television and may very well be responsible for the current vampire trend that has paralyzed popular culture. The other thing we like about Buffy was the fact that it gave Joss Whedon his real start in Hollywood (Waterworld doesn't count, enough said).
# 6 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - The X-Files: Ok, so there were lot's of aliens, but Aliens are scary too right? It's impossible to have this list without having the X-files on it. This was the show that made a shrine to paranoia of all sorts - both the paranormal type and extraterrestrial. The truth is that we loved to be pulled into its twisted world and heck they even wrote songs about watching this show with the lights turned off during the 1990's. What more could you ask for?
We want to believe - that David D. didn't chase every girl on the X-Files set...
# 7 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - House of Dark Shadows: This show was the one attempt ever of mixing horror with soap operas. Although, there are many people who think those two genres may be linked by default anyway. Despite that, this black and white show was compelling enough to warrant a film remake this year from director Tim Burton - no doubt this was one of his early influences.
The original Barney was neither purple nor lovable.
# 8 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - The Walking Dead: Zombies of course represent a fairly narrow sliver of the overall Horror genre, yet the Walking Dead has been so superb that it requires a place on this list. It's a real testament to the makers of this show that they took a topic that seemed to have been done to death (pun alert) and breathed new life into it. We like it, we love it we want some more of it. Let's all go to the Waffle Hell - ooops... got carried away.
# 9 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - Millennium: For the folks who couldn't get enough of X-files paranoia - the show spun off two series, The Lone Gunman and Millennium. Millennium took Y2K and added the X-Files with a bit of the Omen for good measure. It all came together to provide us with a profound sense of foreboding for the new millennium. Of course, by the time 2001 rolled around we had other things to worry about and pretty much forgot about this show. No matter how spooky Lance Henriksen looked, he just couldn't compete.
#10 Best Horror Show of All Time on Television - Scooby Doo: So, there may be some of you who find this choice surprising being a cartoon and all. But why? Think about it. Nearly every kid in America over a thirty period grew up watching Shaggy and Scooby chasing and being chased by spooks and monsters and solving mysteries - and more often than not - debunking the scary stuff and making us feel better. No other horror show on TV covered this much ground - it all starts with Scooby. Heck they even had they own soundtracks with such memorable hits as "Zoinks!" and "Those Meddlin' Kids" - we've still got old cassette tapes laying around. Time for a Scooby snack - gotta run
Scooby taught us all how to cope with terror...
Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved
Just when you may have thought we ran out of ideas for Halloween Top 10 lists, we're back... Anyway, we thought it was important to explore frightening concepts that Hollywood has otherwise overlooked up until now. We certainly understand that not everyone has the same tastes when it comes to what does or doesn't scare them - we've tried our best to settle upon some universal themes. And BTW - we will have another list coming up after this - the Top 10 Scariest TV shows ever.
# 1 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Frontier Psychiatrist: Besides already having a very catchy soundtrack, we really want to know the rest of story...
This could have only come from... Down Under. Ever wonder about that nickname?
# 2 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Blood Cycle, The Lance Armstrong Story: You've only heard the tip of the iceberg, Lance got blood transfusions during races yes, but from whom and was it willingly given? This is the story that exposes Lance as the blood sucking, organ stealing fiend that seemed somehow superhuman - now we know why. Dracula, Frankenstein and Arnold all rolled into one - he was the true Hell on the Wheels.
What's that you're sipping, Count Spokula?
# 3 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Kardashian Chaos (AKA Sister Hacks): What happens when a gaggle of no-talent bimbos finally get kicked out of the spotlight - they get homicidal, that's what. The high fashion reality TV, fashion model babes wreak havoc on Hollywood - marrying unsuspecting athletes, jamming their high heels into the eye sockets of reporters and generally refusing to be ignored. The ultimate outcome of this film is too hideous to even contemplate - as the world is forced to watch them age much like the Rolling Stones.
You must watch us, forever and ever.........
# 4 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Preservatives: Everyone thinks the end times will come from some horrible virus, but what if - the Zombie Apocalypse started elsewhere - say perhaps at your local supermarket. This is the story of how junk-food preservatives changed our body chemistry and allowed the dead to last and live on - forever. A.K.A. - Revenge of the Twinkies.
You are ,what you eat....
# 5 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Foreclosure: This film idea asks the question what happens when you foreclose on a Haunted House? We think it might go something like this - homeowners get screwed by the bank and the house wreaks revenge on its neighbors by falling apart, failing to mow its yard and generally lowering property values. Eventually the house invites squatters and drug dealers to move in and must be demolished. Pretty scary huh?
# 6 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Sushi: The ultimate slasher er slicer movie. There is nothing more disgusting and creepy than people eating raw meats. Let's make a movie about it; it'll probably be banned.
This used to be alive, have the decency to cook it at least will you!
# 7 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Revenge of the Teens: This is usually only frightening to middle aged parents although there is plenty here to scare the wits out of just about anyone. The whole process is a little like the Alien movie franchise.
# 8 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Attack of the Sub-woofers: They move from town to town, following some really lousy bands waiting - waiting to be turned up just to the right level - that level where you can no longer distinguish noise from music - and then - booom - everyone heads' explode. Taking bad entertainment to the limit...
# 9 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Windows 8: Just when you thought you had finally worked out all your operating system issues, Microsoft introduces another one.
The Horror, ... the... horror...
# 10 Horror Film that Needs to be Made - Waffle Hell: Imagine if you can, arriving late at night somewhere in the deep South, into a strange, dirty dank restaurant late - you're just looking for some food (and no it's not Denny's even though it might qualify as purgatory). And then, the jukebox starts playing and all the patrons start singing country tunes (Dolly, Garth Brooks even some Bluegrass) and you can never ever leave. "I got friends in low places..." AHHHHHHHHHH This is the Waffle Hell...
Cholesterol and country music equal eternal suffering at the Waffle Hell
Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved
Some movies are so scary that you never truly recover from them (like say the Sentinel); on the other hand some movies are just scary bad - so truly horrible, that you can never quite forget them either (no matter how much you may want to). Today's Halloween Top 10 list is dedicated to the absolute worst Horror films ever created. You may be curious how we separate "Least Scary" horror films from the "Worst" horror films. Here's our criteria:
The worst horror are generally not scary but have other attributes besides that;
Attribute 1 - truly dumb premise
Attribute 2 - truly bad acting
Attribute 3 - truly awful script
Attribute 4 - generally rotten special effects
Attribute 5 - total lack of continuity or common sense
Having said all of that, some of these films were at least, original...
Everybody loves Trolls, right? Well maybe not so much. We used to think that Trolls were the ones who took money when you want to cross the bridge - this may have prejudiced our opinions against them.
#1 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Troll & Troll 2: Rule of thumb, most horror movies made regarding trolls, elves, leprechauns and other dwarfs (real or imaginary) have been truly awful. A decent Horror film director could avoid alot of risk by skipping this genre altogether. Troll 2 is often considered to be one of the worst films ever made, although we think Birdemic gives it a good run for its money. They even made a documentary film about how bad this movie was which is high praise, sort of.
#2 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Birdemic: This movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever; although we did eat in the Double-decker bus restaurant in Half Moon Bay where much of the movie was filmed and that was at least half-way cool. So, anyway this film - if you can call it that - follows a Silicon Valley executive and his dim-witted girlfriend as they battle poorly rendered CG eagles who are really pissed about Global Warming or something. Lot's of clever shots of cars backing up and parking add to the suspense and action.
The entire Internet has joined together in mocking this film - unfortunately the film's producers got the wrong impression from this and are making a sequel.
#3 Worst Horror Film of All Time - The Happening: Painfully stupid, hard to watch - a waste of talent and several years after seeing it we're still not sure what it's about. Something may have happened but we really don't care what and we hope what will happen in the future is that M. Night never makes another Horror film as this is only one in about 4 awful stinkers he's dropped in a row. We think the title ought to be changed to "The Nothingening," or Not Happening.
M Night, you really didn't make the Sixth Sense did you - that kid, Haley what's his name directed it, right?
#4 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Eyes Without a Face: We've always wondered whether Billy Idol's Eyes Without a Face hit from the 1980's was in any way linked to this cult French horror film from the 1960's. Several problems here; 1 - It's French, name one scary French movie. 2 - Oddly enough Face surgery is pretty common now - not so scary, 3 - They're all speaking French which sounds oddly not scary. 4 - Billy Idol is nowhere to be found in this film and the soundtrack sucks. Granted the girl looks a little bit like Michael Myers (from Halloween) older sister - or maybe it was the French Exchange student who stayed with them for the Summer?
Attack of the Mademoiselle !
#5 Worst Horror Film of All Time - GingerDead Man: What happens when you mix Gary Busey with flour, brown sugar and lot's of ginger and cinnamon? Well, perhaps the craziest premise for a movie ever with one of the looniest actors in Hollywood. Maybe not such a good recipe after all. It seems as though the folks who made this film did so with the deliberate intention of creating one of the stupidest movies ever - something to outrank Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Killer Klowns etc. This is hardly an achievement worth acknowledging except for here on lists of the worst movies ever made. Gary at least had an excuse for doing this (he fell off of his motorcycle a lot), the producers likely have no such excuse.
Talk about your junk food!
#6 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Rabid Grannies: Here's a good one word review for this movie - Yuk! We're not sure exactly what sort of repressed childhood issues the makers of the film were working out - or whether they simply wanted to transfer their psychosis to the audience.
Come here Dearheart, nana is ever so hungry.
#7 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood: Very little commentary is needed here. What do you get when you mix killer Leprechauns with Crack Cocaine ? We'll, let's just say no...
The Racial Stereotypes are hard to escape in this film - Irish people may never recover from it
#8 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Dr. Giggles: We actually paid money in a theater to see this one - we can't remember why. Anyway, we think this film did a lot to undermine our healthcare system in America and it really, really sucked.
Let's give a big hand or two to Dr. Giggles ! or not...
#9 Worst Horror Film of All Time - feardotcom: We asked the question about the Ring, what would happen if it were uploaded to Youtube? This movie just put it on a website without the proper streaming technology so it reached a relatively small number of victims who had to wait forever for the video to buffer. If an internet borne computer virus is ever capable of boring people to death it should be named after this movie.
#10 Worst Horror Film of All Time - Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: We weren't sure if this movie belongs on a Horror film list but it's close enough. This movie makes no attempt to hide how bad it can be - it seems to revel in its own low budget absurdities; from reusing the same pair of sunglasses to re-purposing what seems to be a large broom closet as the set for half its locations. At the very least though they come up a with a new attraction to compete with Shamu at Sea World.
Mega Shark can catch jumbo jets in mid-air; take that Shamu!
Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved
It's getting closer to Halloween and what better way to celebrate than to compile a list of what we consider to be the 10 scariest movies of all time. Now, of course, there are likely to be many of who disagree with our picks but then again, there were a lot of people who actually watched Rosanne and Saved by the Bell, so there's no accounting for taste. We will complement this post by adding another post tonight with the Least Scary Horror films of all time. Please keep in mind that some of what we found scary in years past may not seem so frightening now given the advances in special effects and the fact that many novel techniques in the horror genre back then are considered standard gimmicks today.
The only thing scarier than John Carradine alive was John Carradine dead in the Sentinel
Number 1 - Scariest Movie Ever - The Sentinel: This movie gave us nightmares for years. Moral of the story, don't buy an apartment that has a two bedrooms and a gateway to Hell. Burgess Meredith was particularly creepy in this picture - that and dead bodies and the gateway to Hell is mostly what we remember. We blocked the rest out.
Number 2 - The Shining: Without a doubt Jack Nicholson's best performance after One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, Stephen Kings best novel and Stanley Kubrick's best film after 2001 a Space Odyssey. The kid was intensely creepy - the entire premise was great and the location perfect. This was not only one of the scariest films ever made it is one of the best movies ever.
Number 3 Scariest Movie Ever - The Exorcist: So, we don't know why our parents thought it was OK to take us to see this when we were little kids - perhaps they wanted to make a point to tell us never to use a Ouija board. After this movie, we never ate pea soup again. Ok, we'll admit it, we never ate pea soup before either but after this movie we resolved that we'd never try it. Linda Blair was the original Blair witch and lot's scarier than that other one.
This kid ate way too many pop tarts
Number 4 Scariest Movie Ever - Halloween: Before the 500 or 5,000 or teen slasher movies that we tend to dismiss nowadays were made we had Halloween. It was almost entirely original at the time, kind of a newer version of Psycho but much scarier. The use of the mask was pure genius - it was like the Mummy and Frankenstein all rolled into one. Jamie Lee Curtis did a great job as the heroine, more or less setting a standard for Sigourney Weaver in Alien and Linda Hamilton in the Terminator.
That Face-Cast must have been itchy
Number 5 Scariest Movie Ever - John Carpenters, The Thing: John Carpenter had made Halloween in 1978 and a few years later he remade an old 50's sci-fi horror film called the Thing. Oddly enough, in the original The Thing, the monster looked a lot like Jason from Halloween. Anyway, the Thing remains one of our favorite movies of all-time. The atmosphere, the characters and the groundbreaking special effects all add to the impact. He took a not so scary 50's plot and built enormous tension and suspense around it. We think this may have been Kurt Russel's best performance of his career.
"The Thing" introduced what we believe is the first Spiderhead in American Cinema
Number 6 Scariest Movie Ever - Dawn of the Dead (2004): Before the walkers of the Walking Dead desensitized us to extreme Zombie killing action in prime-time, Dawn of the Dead riveted us with a horrific gore fest that at the time set new boundaries for gore fests. The magic behind this movie which unlike many other Zombie flick was in fact pretty scary was the complete realism of the plot. We got to know the characters as they first tried to hide out in that mall and then make a dash for freedom. It seems clear that this movie more than anything provided the real model for the Walking Dead (comic books can't capture the medium, just the plot-line). This show freaked us out, gave us headaches and made us contemplate our mortality.
Get out of the Bathroom! (from Ghost Story)
Number 7 Scariest Movie Ever - Ghost Story: What made this film so scary was the absolute spookiness of the actress playing the ghost. She was very credible as the sexy spirit that steals the heart of the young professor. Later, this same actress played queen of the Borg and was equally spooky in that role.
Number 8 Scariest Movie Ever - Carrie: Talk about peer pressure! This movie takes a whole new approach to bullying, sex education and the Religious Right. Oddly enough all of that fits together as the same actress from Coal Miners Daughter gets her Spook on.
This year's prom theme is "Fire & Brimstone"
Number 9 Scariest Movie Ever - The Ring: This film takes an urban legend and our general distaste for mass medium and milks for it for everything its worth. What happens when you watch a really, really bad video - well you'll find out. Anyway - technology question - what happens you upload that video onto Youtube?
Well diving is one of the few sports not yet been sanctioned by Olympic committee
Number 10 Scariest Movie Ever - Nightmare on Elm Street: Despite the many sequels that more or less ruined the franchise, the initial film was clever, well-made and scary. The idea of the creepy janitor stalking hot kids at the high school was too good to pass up - the fact that he could do it in their dreams - well heck that is Inception 30 years ahead of time! BTW - it's ironic that Johnny Depp starred in this and just a few years later came out with his own scissor-hands movie.
Back to the Halloween madness and the scariest thing in Hollywood next to Mad Mel's talking Beaver, Nicholas Cage's Hair. We'll start this post with a tribute to the many manifestations of Mr. Cage's follicles...
Man of a thousand wigs?
So let's talk a little bit about the enigmatic Mr. Cage. First of all for those who don't know, Nick Cage isn't his real name. His actual name is Nicholas Kim Copolla and he is the nephew of acclaimed Godfather director Francis Ford Copolla. He has been married to some interesting people as well (3 so far) including the daughter of Elvis Presley - who oddly enough he has imitated in nearly a dozen movie roles over the years. He is one of Hollywood's most prolific actors with several dozen credits to his name. Yet despite making millions he somehow managed not to pay his taxes and has now joined the Wesley Snipes 'back taxes are eating my lunch' club.
Remember when the Japanese had money - Nick's got the fever x3
None of the previous exposition seems to answer the burning question - why does Nick seem compelled to do something crazy with his hair in nearly every movie he stars in? We're going to take a time warp back to the Age of Aquarius to try to understand his motivation...
The 1970's was like the Hair Club for everyone...
So maybe, Nick's inner Hippie just wants to be free to express itself through hair - long, short, receding, greasy, curly, straight, hair hair, or something like that. Although there is a darker theory, one that allows us to include this post as part of our Halloween 2012 marathon - Nicholas Cage is an American Vampire...
This explains a lot, the hair, his not being worried about taxesand his Elvis southern accent fetish.
The next movie we're reviewing as part of the 2012 Halloween meltdown is "The Beaver." Wait you say - this movie has nothing to do with the spookiest time of the year - we beg to differ. This movie contains three elements that we are sure will terrify most sane people:
Mel Gibson
Australian-Speak
Beaver hand puppets
Mel Gibson with his hand up a Beaver's bum...
Kudos to Jody for casting though - Mel Gibson was hands down (or up) the best choice in Hollywood for the role. Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen no doubt would have turned in great performances but could never have mastered Australian English the way Mad Max can. The plot goes something like this - a fairly depressed middle-aged man on the verge of suicide runs across a hand puppet in the trash and it more or less possesses him. We were wondering if the story might actually be Mel Gibson's autobiography but the movie doesn't include any Russian girlfriends getting punched in the face.
Jody Foster felt compelled to tell this story - we're not sure why - about how mental illness and hand puppets don't mix. Wrapped in this sad personal tale (or tail) is the larger question of why Beavers are so misunderstood and maligned in our society. This movie is just one more blatant attempt at Beaver character assassination. Don't believe there is a plot to ruin the noble Beaver's reputation; well just think about this:
Why are they the butt of so many adolescent jokes?
Why do we tend to associate them with kids who have buck teeth and glasses?
Why do they also seem so busy - are they on something?
How come we only focus on the fact they cut down trees instead building up the watershed?
Why are they so busy, don't they take vacations - are they on speed?
Now take the Wolverine. Here's a creature not too distantly related to Beavers who gets associated with really cool superheros and Cold War freedom fighters. The Beaver in this movie is not only not cool, he's kind of like an evil spirit (and as we know there is nothing more disturbing than an Australian accent) which opens up whole new avenues to negatively label Beavers. He's funny and lovable at first, but then we're introduced to Darth Beaver who enjoys beating up Mel as regularly as Mel tends to beat up his ex-wives. There are other characters in the movie - Jody Foster just seems to be there in order to do on camera directing. The guy who played Chekov in Star Trek is there looking like he is 16 going on 32 playing a high school senior with some serious beaver-envy issues. The girl from Hunger Games is in this too - at the high school graduation it seems as though she might pull out a bow and arrow and start shooting but she wimps out on that.
Overall the film is like watching a slow moving train wreck - but not a very interesting one and of course, the noble Beaver is the ultimate casualty here.
Ok - this clip is R-rated, but we show this here only to illustrate the infamous anti-beaver propaganda campaign now underway in our society...
Well, it's almost Halloween so welcome to our Raving Reviews Halloween meltdown - actually it began yesterday with our post on "Apollo 18 - Moon Rocks Gone Wild." Anyway, about a year ago we made you a promise that we would review the Nicholas Cage film "Season of the Witch" and that we'd also try to determine what in the heck is going on with this guy's hair - so since we always keep our promises we've combined the two posts for you here today (legal fine print - there is no statute of limitations on promises).
I ain't afraid of no witch - Witch-busters !
Season of the Witch begins with a portfolio review of Nick Cage's Crusader battle performances on his Middle East "Kill the Infidels" Tour. Nick Cage plays a Knight who for some reason felt compelled to fight for the church to capture the holy land even though he doesn't seem too religious. His motivations escape us - perhaps he was just answering a want ad something like this:
"The Crusades - be all that God wants you to be - from the sun-drenched shores of Lebanon to the blood-drenched walls of Tyre. Fight to restore the Holy Land to mother church - and by the way you can keep all of the loot too..."
We'll never be sure why Nick signed up, but it seems as though the only joy he derives from the Crusades is on betting on how many Saracens he can kill with his drinking buddy, Ron "Quest for Fire" Perlman (publicity photo below).
Who wouldn't want to hang out with this dude?
So, after about 15 years of non-stop killing on their victory tour (these guys got around more than the Rolling Stones), Nick becomes disillusioned after having to hack up a city full of innocent women and children. Apparently, the betting with Ron and boozing in local Crusader taverns just looses its charm and he and Ron decide head back to merry old Europe (we're not sure exactly where in Europe they came from or where they were returning to). We do know however that nowhere in the movie did they visit New Orleans.
Redbone and the Witch Queen of New Orleans - yeah that's cool- but not part of the movie
Now Europe at the time was a quaint, charming vacation spot in the 1300's - filled with witches, demons, various fairy tale monsters and the ever-present Black Death. Nick and Ron needed a break so they head directly into the dark woods of what looks like Transylvania. Oh, we forgot to mention an important scene earlier on in the film where we were introduced to some dedicated witch hunters and typical village witches from what seemed to be the region that Nick and Ron would visit later. The scene was remarkable in that it dispelled an important myth about Witches - it seems as though they don't float after all. Although there is still some scientific controversy about that claim - the following video does seem to provide compelling evidence supporting the 'witches are made out of wood' theory.
King Arthur isn't as well known for his focus on STEM education in medieval Britain, but he was a science pioneer...
Nick and Ron manage to get conscripted into an important witch relocation mission. They're given a band of less than merry expendable sidekicks and a cute teen witch who looks a lot like Kristen Stewart after she dumped Robert Pattison (e.g. really guilty). Despite the fact that she can pick up big guys wearing armor with one had and seems fairly creepy, most of the group feels sorry for her - which is surprising considering the general attitude regarding witches in the region. She seems to have the unique talent for spreading plague to each town she visits which makes everyone look as though they've got fruit growing from their faces.
What would have people in the middle ages done with Emo Girls or Goths?, Hmmmm
So anyway - long story short - there's this book and it has power and the demon inside the girl wants it - and she kills everyone (except Nick and Ron and some teenager who looks like he should be in the Twilight series) and then these guys end up being exorcists and then the girl and the demon break up and she goes out with this teen and live happily ever after although Nick still seems miserable and Ron turns out to be dead after all - the end. Whew...
But then - wait - we found out she came back to 1971 - where George Romero made a movie about her - she looks a little older though. That movie is called Season of the Witch too (not 2). Only in this movie she tends to wear a ton of makeup and perhaps uses the blow-dryer a bit too much.
Well, this witch is having a bad hair day, reminds us of Nick Cage a little...
And it looks a though we've run out of time to address Nick Cage's hair - stay tuned we will keep our promise.
The Raving Reviews Blog is dedicated to the convergence of popular and critical review of the motion picture art - that and taking a sometimes irreverent view of popular culture.
