The Apocalypse Film Festival

Well, the big day is coming up soon (December 21st it seems) - it's the end of the world, again. We figured there may be some people out there who don't won't to celebrate with a big noisy Apocalypse Party - so we've got an alternative way to spend your last hours on Earth. How about a film festival? We've decided to compile several lists that will allow you build your own Apocalypse Film Festival.

Ouch!

The lists are based on 4 categories:

1. The Top 10 True Apocalyptic Films
2. The Top 10 Post-Apocalyptic
3. The Top 10 Dystopian Films (e.g. semi-apocalyptic)
4. The Top 10 Zombie Apocalypse Movies
5. The Top 10 Silliest Apocalypse-Related Films

There's something for everyone here...

We never realized how cute the 4 horses of the Apocalypse were, awww...

The Top 10 True Apocalyptic Films

To qualify as a true apocalyptic film either the entire planet gets wiped out or at the very least, the entire human race - no survivors, at least on Earth. 

• Number 1 - Invasion of the Body Snatchers: They take over so even though it seems as though everything is ok, it's really not. 

• Number 2 - AI, Artificial Intelligence: even though everyone dies at the end of the movie it still counts and it is a joy to watch. 

• Number 3 - The Core: This movie tells the story of what's going to happen if the Gas companies keep Fracking in our backyards. Ok - so the Earth doesn't get destroyed and the human race survives - we do think it's pretty cool though that hotshot former Shuttle pilots can ride a giant metal suppository into the Earth's core at 400 mph.  

• Number 4 - When Worlds Collide: A handful of people do escape in their giant Buck Rogers rocket, but the world does end. (BTW - it looks as though this is being remade). 

• Number 5 - Last Night: A more intimate view of the end. 

• Number 6 - Melancholia: This is the chick flick version of the Apocalypse, some might find a bit slow...

• Number 7 - On the Beach: The folks down under wait for the end. This is a classic film and probably inspired the follow on movie and TV series Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. 

• Number 8 - Titan AE: So it's a cartoon; it's got Matt Damon. It's surprisingly good although it focused more survivors who got off of Earth before the end. 

• Number 9 - Dr. Strangelove: One of the truly great films of all-time and despite their plans on re-populating the Earth it's doubtful that anyone survives.  

• Number 10 - Carriers: The ultimate plague takes the last survivors one by one. 

All aboard for the Phallic Express !

The Top 10 Post-Apocalyptic Films

This category allows for survivors - forms of the destroyer may include; plagues, meteors, nuclear war, global warming and aliens. Also, the action needs to take place only after the crap had hit the fan.

1. Planet of the Apes: Charleton Heston had at one time corned the market on all things apocalyptic. The recent version with the CG apes sucked, and let's try to forget that thing Mark Wahlberg did around 2000. 
2. Logan's Run: Before there was Botox, there was the "Laser Lift." 
3. A Boy and His Dog: Before Miami Vice, Crocket was a in big demand with chicks after WIII. 
4. The Road: This is a really depressing movie, but it was pretty good.
5. Escape from New York - Taking the concept of The Warriors and placing it aftersome type of apocalypse (it's not too clear). 
6. Terminator Salvation - Finally we get a chance to see what it's like after Judgement Day - a bit of let down though.
7. The Day After Tomorrow - This is happening right now, we're not kidding.
8. The War of the Worlds - Both versions were pretty good; the story doesn't get old.
9. I am Legend & Omega Man - Omega Man was better but we still like Will Smith even when he battles animated zombies instead of real ones. 
10. Mad Max - This was before we know Mel was crazy and the Beaver. 

We were a bad influence; Apes killed Apes only after we showed up !

The Top 10 Dystopian Films (e.g. semi-apocalyptic)

Dystopian movies don't generally include apocalyptic events; yet things are so bad they might as well. The following movies represent the best in dysfunctional visions of the future:

1. Soylent Green: This the reason we can never be Vegetarians. Did you see that pathetic excuse for a steak they get in a few years - better eat up now before all we're left with is people wafers. 
2. 1984: Double plus good, but double depressing.
3. Brazil: Monty Python meets 1984.
4. 12 Monkeys: Brad Pitt was crazy before he married Angelina, this movie proves it.
5. Gattica: Anyone who doesn't like getting blood tests should avoid this movie.
6. Clockwork Orange: You'll never look at milk the same way again.
7. Looper - Bruce had lot's of experience with the time paradox issues after starring in 12 Monkeys.
8. Total Recall: We are wondering if Arnold can remember how many chicks he cheated on. BTW - as for the 2012 version of the show, forget it...
9. Rollerball: James Caan's best movie ever, even better than his role in the Godfather. Wish they hadn't burned down those trees though.
10. Blade Runner: Too cool not to be on this list somewhere.

The Simpsons appreciate the importance of a balanced diet

The Top 10 Silliest Apocalypse-Related Films

This category is pretty much self-explanatory.

1. Knowing - One of the silliest movies ever made with one of Nick Cage's worst Hairdos. All the aliens look like Sting. 
2. Water World - They managed to make global warming silly, how do you do that? Kevin Costner filmed this entirely in his own Olympic-sized swimming pool. Costner;s attempt some years later with post apocalyptic mail delivery was almost as silly but at least they got out oft he pool.
3. The Book of Eli - Denzel has his own reading club and don't you dare borrow books without returning them.
4. Escape from LA - This was a really pathetic attempt to extend the Escape from New York franchise. Besides, L.A. was really like that during the 1990's.  
5. Steel Dawn - They couldn't afford a wardrobe so Patrick Swayze brought his pajamas.
6. Barb Wire - If only Pamela Anderson had stuck to Internet sex videos she might still have a career.
7. 4:44 The last Day on Earth - So the way we're all going to spend the last moments on Earth is being bored to death and playing with electronics.
8. Perfect Sense - It wasn't the actors who lost their senses in this dull pic - the writers, producers and director might as well have been deaf, dumb and blind.
9. 2012 - This was like Transformers without, uhh, Transformers. One giant special effect with a goofball plot. Shame on you John Cusak...
10. Reign of Fire - This is the least likely Apocalyptic scenario of all time; the Dragon Holocaust. 

Dragons have really bad breath

The Top 10 Zombie Apocalypse Movies

Zombies deserve their own category and yes we included Walking Dead even though it's a TV show. 

1. Dawn of the Dead (2004) - Really fast and hungry zombies who love malls.
2. Zombieland - Zombies meet the Social Network - great cameo by Bill Murray. 
3. 28 Days Later - The Zombie virus is really easy to catch
4. 28 Weeks Later - Ditto
5. Night of the Living Dead - It all started here (well, at least the modern Zombie movement).
6. Re-animator - Love this movie.
7. Shaun of the Dead - Best Zombie Apocalypse comedy.
8. Resident Evil - This series of films confuses us but we tolerate it because we like Milla.
9. The Walking Dead - Please take that goofy hat off of the kid already.
10. Quarantine - Zombies meets extreme paranoia, good combo. 

Dinnertime at the Zombie Buffet

And for your listening pleasure...

Enjoy the End, and remember if it doesn't happen on the 21st, it will eventually. 

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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10 Reasons Aliens Shouldn't Invade Earth

So anyway, we were watching several UFO documentaries the last week or so on Netflix and we've got to admit it; they're pretty convincing. We don't think it's a question of whether extraterrestrials exist anymore; in fact they're so many flying around out there it's getting as common to run into one as deer collisions on the roadways. Our real concern now is avoiding the inevitable Alien Invasion and Conquest that's sure to come at any moment, potentially as soon as this December in order to coincide with Mayan Apocalypse predictions. We think that fighting this invasion is probably a non-starter - the key to survival is preventing it in the first place, right?

So with that in mind, we've come up with a plan that's guaranteed to save our collective butts. What we need to do is make up for all the damage done by Voyager when we sent that gold record into Space telling the aliens how great it was here and practically begging them to invade. This time, we need to send a DVD with all the worst aspects of our civilization emphasized and provide the aliens with a compelling rationale for why they shouldn't invade. 

This doesn't look like a real equation anyway - but then again we already know they're vacationing on the moon

And we need to really be blunt about this too; no sense trying to be politically correct or sugarcoat matters. We'll show those aliens how bad it is here and then given 10 really good reasons why not to invade (although they can still visit if they wish as long as they stop causing traffic accidents). Here's the table of contents for the DVD menu:

• Part 1 - The Things we Eat: How they're grown, polluted, processed, killed, ground-up etc.
• Part 2 - We're Killing Machines: It's really not safe here, even for us.
• Part 3 - Zombies: they're everywhere and they'll eat Aliens too.
• Part 4 - Lowering the Galactic IQ: How television may open up new Black Holes.
• Part 5 - 10 Reasons you're better off not living here (although tourism is always encouraged)
• Special Featurette 1 - The Immigration Reform Fiasco
• Special Featurette 2 - The Disco Revolution & Country Music
• Special Featurette 3 - A Tribute to the Crocodile Hunter
• Special Featurette 4 - Polka music and Scientology (the hidden link)
• Special Featurette 5 - Forensic TV - the Anatomy of Good Ratings

Here are the arguments we should apply to keep the Alien Menace at bay:

# 1 Reason not to Attack Earth - Traffic here really sucks.

Aliens aren't patient by nature, this will frighten them

# 2 Reason not to Attack Earth - Too many political ads. We're just too negative, a sort of "Glass Half Empty planet."

# 3 Reason not to Attack Earth - We don't recycle and are generally pretty messy - it would be akin to living with someone who never cleaned their room up.

Would you want to invade this? We didn't think so

# 4 Reason not to Attack Earth - We cancelled Star Trek, multiple times and created Jar Jar Binx.

# 5 Reason not to Attack Earth - Aliens tried doing that before, at Atlantis and they ended up becoming Shriners and driving funny miniature cars while wearing Fez's. 

I can never, ever get out of this car...

# 6 Reason not to Attack Earth - We're heavily in debt and would likely ask for loans that we could never repay.

# 7 Reason not to Attack Earth - Our idea of culture is Reality TV and Jerry Springer, not Bach or Mozart. Who's Bach anyway, they were on the gold record - oh never-mind?

# 8 Reason not to Attack Earth - We would probably worship any aliens who invaded and create some creepy cult that you aliens wouldn't want anything to do with anyway.

I am ready to do your bidding, master

# 9 Reason not to Attack Earth - We've got lot's of germs and we like them so much that we actually grow them on purpose.

Imagine getting slapped by this, you stinking aliens... yea, who's the boss now? uh huh

# 10 Reason not to Attack Earth - Woody Harrelson would be our ambassador.

How do you like my wig, I can get one just like it for your little gray head

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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