The Apocalypse Film Festival

Well, the big day is coming up soon (December 21st it seems) - it's the end of the world, again. We figured there may be some people out there who don't won't to celebrate with a big noisy Apocalypse Party - so we've got an alternative way to spend your last hours on Earth. How about a film festival? We've decided to compile several lists that will allow you build your own Apocalypse Film Festival.

Ouch!

The lists are based on 4 categories:

1. The Top 10 True Apocalyptic Films
2. The Top 10 Post-Apocalyptic
3. The Top 10 Dystopian Films (e.g. semi-apocalyptic)
4. The Top 10 Zombie Apocalypse Movies
5. The Top 10 Silliest Apocalypse-Related Films

There's something for everyone here...

We never realized how cute the 4 horses of the Apocalypse were, awww...

The Top 10 True Apocalyptic Films

To qualify as a true apocalyptic film either the entire planet gets wiped out or at the very least, the entire human race - no survivors, at least on Earth. 

• Number 1 - Invasion of the Body Snatchers: They take over so even though it seems as though everything is ok, it's really not. 

• Number 2 - AI, Artificial Intelligence: even though everyone dies at the end of the movie it still counts and it is a joy to watch. 

• Number 3 - The Core: This movie tells the story of what's going to happen if the Gas companies keep Fracking in our backyards. Ok - so the Earth doesn't get destroyed and the human race survives - we do think it's pretty cool though that hotshot former Shuttle pilots can ride a giant metal suppository into the Earth's core at 400 mph.  

• Number 4 - When Worlds Collide: A handful of people do escape in their giant Buck Rogers rocket, but the world does end. (BTW - it looks as though this is being remade). 

• Number 5 - Last Night: A more intimate view of the end. 

• Number 6 - Melancholia: This is the chick flick version of the Apocalypse, some might find a bit slow...

• Number 7 - On the Beach: The folks down under wait for the end. This is a classic film and probably inspired the follow on movie and TV series Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea. 

• Number 8 - Titan AE: So it's a cartoon; it's got Matt Damon. It's surprisingly good although it focused more survivors who got off of Earth before the end. 

• Number 9 - Dr. Strangelove: One of the truly great films of all-time and despite their plans on re-populating the Earth it's doubtful that anyone survives.  

• Number 10 - Carriers: The ultimate plague takes the last survivors one by one. 

All aboard for the Phallic Express !

The Top 10 Post-Apocalyptic Films

This category allows for survivors - forms of the destroyer may include; plagues, meteors, nuclear war, global warming and aliens. Also, the action needs to take place only after the crap had hit the fan.

1. Planet of the Apes: Charleton Heston had at one time corned the market on all things apocalyptic. The recent version with the CG apes sucked, and let's try to forget that thing Mark Wahlberg did around 2000. 
2. Logan's Run: Before there was Botox, there was the "Laser Lift." 
3. A Boy and His Dog: Before Miami Vice, Crocket was a in big demand with chicks after WIII. 
4. The Road: This is a really depressing movie, but it was pretty good.
5. Escape from New York - Taking the concept of The Warriors and placing it aftersome type of apocalypse (it's not too clear). 
6. Terminator Salvation - Finally we get a chance to see what it's like after Judgement Day - a bit of let down though.
7. The Day After Tomorrow - This is happening right now, we're not kidding.
8. The War of the Worlds - Both versions were pretty good; the story doesn't get old.
9. I am Legend & Omega Man - Omega Man was better but we still like Will Smith even when he battles animated zombies instead of real ones. 
10. Mad Max - This was before we know Mel was crazy and the Beaver. 

We were a bad influence; Apes killed Apes only after we showed up !

The Top 10 Dystopian Films (e.g. semi-apocalyptic)

Dystopian movies don't generally include apocalyptic events; yet things are so bad they might as well. The following movies represent the best in dysfunctional visions of the future:

1. Soylent Green: This the reason we can never be Vegetarians. Did you see that pathetic excuse for a steak they get in a few years - better eat up now before all we're left with is people wafers. 
2. 1984: Double plus good, but double depressing.
3. Brazil: Monty Python meets 1984.
4. 12 Monkeys: Brad Pitt was crazy before he married Angelina, this movie proves it.
5. Gattica: Anyone who doesn't like getting blood tests should avoid this movie.
6. Clockwork Orange: You'll never look at milk the same way again.
7. Looper - Bruce had lot's of experience with the time paradox issues after starring in 12 Monkeys.
8. Total Recall: We are wondering if Arnold can remember how many chicks he cheated on. BTW - as for the 2012 version of the show, forget it...
9. Rollerball: James Caan's best movie ever, even better than his role in the Godfather. Wish they hadn't burned down those trees though.
10. Blade Runner: Too cool not to be on this list somewhere.

The Simpsons appreciate the importance of a balanced diet

The Top 10 Silliest Apocalypse-Related Films

This category is pretty much self-explanatory.

1. Knowing - One of the silliest movies ever made with one of Nick Cage's worst Hairdos. All the aliens look like Sting. 
2. Water World - They managed to make global warming silly, how do you do that? Kevin Costner filmed this entirely in his own Olympic-sized swimming pool. Costner;s attempt some years later with post apocalyptic mail delivery was almost as silly but at least they got out oft he pool.
3. The Book of Eli - Denzel has his own reading club and don't you dare borrow books without returning them.
4. Escape from LA - This was a really pathetic attempt to extend the Escape from New York franchise. Besides, L.A. was really like that during the 1990's.  
5. Steel Dawn - They couldn't afford a wardrobe so Patrick Swayze brought his pajamas.
6. Barb Wire - If only Pamela Anderson had stuck to Internet sex videos she might still have a career.
7. 4:44 The last Day on Earth - So the way we're all going to spend the last moments on Earth is being bored to death and playing with electronics.
8. Perfect Sense - It wasn't the actors who lost their senses in this dull pic - the writers, producers and director might as well have been deaf, dumb and blind.
9. 2012 - This was like Transformers without, uhh, Transformers. One giant special effect with a goofball plot. Shame on you John Cusak...
10. Reign of Fire - This is the least likely Apocalyptic scenario of all time; the Dragon Holocaust. 

Dragons have really bad breath

The Top 10 Zombie Apocalypse Movies

Zombies deserve their own category and yes we included Walking Dead even though it's a TV show. 

1. Dawn of the Dead (2004) - Really fast and hungry zombies who love malls.
2. Zombieland - Zombies meet the Social Network - great cameo by Bill Murray. 
3. 28 Days Later - The Zombie virus is really easy to catch
4. 28 Weeks Later - Ditto
5. Night of the Living Dead - It all started here (well, at least the modern Zombie movement).
6. Re-animator - Love this movie.
7. Shaun of the Dead - Best Zombie Apocalypse comedy.
8. Resident Evil - This series of films confuses us but we tolerate it because we like Milla.
9. The Walking Dead - Please take that goofy hat off of the kid already.
10. Quarantine - Zombies meets extreme paranoia, good combo. 

Dinnertime at the Zombie Buffet

And for your listening pleasure...

Enjoy the End, and remember if it doesn't happen on the 21st, it will eventually. 

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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The Worst Ideas in Cinema, Ever

1 - DW Griffith choosing to make the first real movie (The Birth of the Nation) an homage to the Klu Klux Klan - thus inventing all of this in one fell swoop:

• Propaganda films
• The Negative Ad
• 50 years of Hollywood Racial Stereotypes
• The license to rewrite History

The Klan at a Lynching party in The Birth of a Nation...

 It's a wonder Cinema ever recovered from its first feature film.

2 - Madonna appearing as a fencing instructor in the Bond flick, Die Another Day. This scene has haunted us for years.

Never Say Madonna again

3 - Movie concession stand popcorn - Yuk, it's salty toxic waste w/ fake butter on top. 

4 - Jerry Lewis, Pauly Shore, The Gipper...

We're told that this seems humorous in France...

5 - Movie Critics - seriously, what the heck do we know?

6 - Ads in Theaters - We've got TV for that. Please make this go away.

7 - Ratings and Censors - It's not clear that these ever worked and we still haven't figured out what the difference between PG and PG-13 is.

8 - Credits that roll before the movie begins - Why do they deserve credit at that point?

9 - Flash-Backs with the same actor made to look ridiculously young - This is almost always embarrassing.

10 - Extreme Close Ups - no one deserves that - not the actors nor the audience.

Why does zooming in make something scarier?

11 - Copycat Movies - Remember when Sudden Impact and Armageddon came out within weeks of each other? How could studios have ever thought that competing for the exact same idea at the exact same time was clever?

12 - Teen Musicals - from Mickey Rooney to High School Musical, the outcome is always likely to be the same.

Let's have a show!

13 - The Floating Shot - A signature gimmick from director Spike Lee, we still don't get it.

14 - Blacklisting - not cool, really (and neither was Nixon).

15 - Jar Jar Binx - The racist animation that would have seemed at home in D.W. Griffiths, The Birth of a Nation.

Need we say more?

16 - The Expendables - turning being a has-been into a marketing gimmick. Only Stallone could have thought of that.

17 - Just about anything from David Lynch.

18 - Swedish films in general.

Any wonder they picked this guy to play Ming the Merciless in Flash Gordon?

19 - Caged women movies - Prison movies are peculiar genre; this offshoot focusing on women in prison is goofiest part of that genre.

20 - Adding "Drug Lord" anywhere in the synposis caption of the movie description. A recent survey of movies listed on Showtime and Encore channels showed 32% of the movies playing contained the the term "Drug Lord" in their description.

21 - The Celebrity Cameo - Feeding already over-inflated egos to the breaking point.

Mr. Fellini on a bad makeup day...

22 - Fellini - Ok, we had to watch him in film appreciation 101 - but what the hell was this guy thinking?

23 - Product Placement - Maybe this was inevitable, but we don't have to like it.

What's worse than Wayne's World  - this...

24 - Bad Accents - Why can't Hollywood hire actors with the right language skills (or accents) for the role?

25 - British Accents for Romans, Nazis and Aliens - Why does everyone sound like they came out of a English boarding school? Why don't Romans sound Italian? It's just weird.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Apocalypse Party Tips

An update - it's now time for the 2012 Apocalypse and we've come up with a film festival to celebrate; however if you didn't hold an Apocalypse party last year then please feel free to follow our party planning tips from last year...

Well, this weekend seems to mark the end of the world - Saturday May 21, 2011. While we're a little bit sad we'd like to look at the bright side of things so we've dedicated a post to exploring ways to really go out with a bang - and what better way to do that than throwing a party !

It's the end of the world as we know it, and we don't care !

Before getting to the party tips though, we'd like to review some of the evidence that led to the prediction that this weekend will be the week END-time. So, here are the signs and scientific evidence that have provided overwhelming proof of our collective demise on Saturday at 9:00 pm:

• Jerry Springer has just announced he's running for President.
• Frogs and Bees have engaged in a mass suicide pact.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger ran out of Viagra.
• Dr. Who starts at 9:00 pm on the BBC channel (we never trusted that guy).
• Hurricanes, Tornadoes, Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Dandruff and ring around the toilet.
• The Super-collider team will be leaving their experiments on automatic power saver mode over the weekend.
• Jesus is really, really ticked off at us (at least that's what we heard).
• Broadcast television can't think of any new ideas for series.
• We just can't afford to live anymore - we've mortgaged off everything and now aliens are coming to repossess the planet and kick us out (a.k.a. Planetary Foreclosure).
• Someone is unplugging the Matrix (the power bill is overdue).

Now that we've established why the end is near - we must resolve ourselves to making the best of it, right? More importantly, what form will the destroyer come in? We've been investigating this and we have a number of plausible scenarios:

The forms of the apocalypse...

• Zombies will emerge as the result of food additives and genetic engineering and will devour the rest of us. This leaves some folks lingering around for awhile to ponder why Twinkies were necessary.
• Artificial Intelligences led by Watson will rain nuclear death on us.
• Nature will rise up to smite us as maniac wildlife fights back.
• The Sun will explode, few people will have sunblock 2 million - those who do will turn into meat Popsicles shortly thereafter.
• The Universe will collapse on itself (although this might involve us going backwards from death to birth - still not pretty).
• Aliens will invade - well you know the rest of that story.
• A signal will be broadcast through our TV's and we will all drink diet soft drinks until our brains explode.
• The planet will destabilize - poles will reverse, the earth's crust will turn to jello and we will all sink into the magma.

Are you prepared for the Apocalypse, if not try a video game...

It's Party Time !

Now to the important part. It goes without saying that this is likely to be the last party you'll ever have so getting it right is pretty darn important. We'd like to recommend going with a party theme - here's some suggestions:

1. The Apocalypse wasn't our fault - we were the good guys. (a.k.a. we're Climbin' the Stairway to Heaven)
2. The Apocalypse was our fault and we're loving it. (a.k.a. Fastlane on the Highway to Hell)
3. No Regrets - Celebration of the Stupidest Things we ever did.
4. Costume Party - All the things we thought we'd be.
5. Chicken no More - Let's do whatever we were afraid to do before.
6. Russian Roulette Karaoke.
7. Fight Club party.

Here are some more tips for helping to make the party a memorable one (at least for the few minutes you'll have left):

• Tip 1 - Buy the good stuff, you can't take that money with you and hey - credit - who cares right?
• Tip 2 - Invite some really famous people and then make fun of them (to see if they have a sense of humor).
• Tip 3 - Don't worry about complaints, be as loud as you want to be.
• Tip 4 - Forget about hangover remedies - you won't need any.
• Tip 5 - Light up all your bills in a giant bonfire.
• Tip 6 - Call up Arnold and tell him about the love child you had together and ask for an immediate wire transfer of cash.
• Tip 7 - Announce you're running for President representing the Party Party.
• Tip 8 - Dance naked, unless you're really fat and then just dance in whatever makes you feel comfortable.
• Tip 9 - Invite your worst enemies and forgive them for being buttheads. If they don't accept the forgiveness, beat the crap out of them.
• Tip 10 - Make resolutions for your next life, but expect not to keep them.

That's it - we hope you have fun, we know we will. It's the beginning of the end, or is it the end of the beginning - we can never get that straight.


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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