Dating Tips from Henry VIII - The Tudors

We've watched The Tudors now twice - the whole series - and it just keeps getting better and better. But it's not just entertaining; the Showtime series is also very educational. It's taught us not just about English history and the plague, but also about how to develop successful dating strategies. For instance, did you know that King Henry VIII invented both speed dating and speed marriages? Did you know he also invented the "it's not my fault divorce." We came across a little known pamphlet penned in Henry's own hand that contains all he learned about courting women at court. We're including some of the highlights from it in this post.

Henry VIII was quite the ladies man and innovator

Henry's VIII's Dating Tips:

Tip 1 - Be sure to test if your potential date or mate is squeamish by showing her your pus-filled open wounds. Only women with stout constitutions are fit to consort with the King.

Tip 2 -  Be sure to shower women with flattery for it is the quickest way into their lacy drawers. They are especially fond of being reminded how beautiful their heads are while still attached to their bodies.

Tip 3 - Always be generous with the weaker sex by letting them taste all of your food first. This also saves considerable coin that would elsewise be spent on professional food tasters.

Tip 4 - Always ask your date if she is able to conceive male heirs. If she says no, have her flogged, drawn and quartered.

Tip 5 - Get your best friends (like Lord Brandon, AKA superman) to pimp your dates whenever possible and threaten to have them flogged, drawn and quartered if they do not.

Tip 6 - Be sure to ask your dates about their views on controversial religious topics; if you don't like the answers or it turns out the date is either Catholic or Lutheran, have her burned as a heretic.

Tip 7 - It's perfectly OK to be jealous, especially when your date or wife is a Jezebel and whore of Babylon - in which case you will need to have her put to death along with every man she ever met.  

Tip 8 - Be most generous with your gifts, bestowing upon your maid or damsel the finest jewels of the realm. And feel free to give the same exact gifts over and over again but remember not to mention they're used.

Tip 9 - You should marry and divorce as often as possible, but never pay alimony.

Henry VIII also invented the reality show - "Don't Ax Me"

Tip 10 - Always look for new mistresses amongst the queen's maid-servants because no matter how often you do that the Queens never expect it.

Bonus Tip - Always use protection when wenching out on the town; this should consist of two pikesmen as guards and garlic coated condoms in case the wench is a witch, in which case she must be burned after the fact.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Top 10 Ways to get the Plague - The Tudors

In the Showtime series, The Tudors, one of the things we learn early on is that the plague is an ever present part of Medieval Life. In fact King Henry VIII's son and a close friend both die from what is known as the Sweating Sickness (see the picture below).

A victim in the advance stages of sweating sickness

While doing diligent research on The Tudors for our reviews we came across some little known but potentially valuable medical advice from the mid-1500's that was no doubt employed to keep the plague at bay. This find consists of two top 10 lists; one to avoid the plague in the first place and the second concerns itself with how to cure yourself of plague.

Diagnosing Plague involved rigorous scientific discipline

Top 10 Ways to Avoid the Plague:

1. Never French-kiss a witch (you can try the floating in the bathtub test to determine if she is a witch).
2. Never get too familiar with your familiars - if you have black cats or other demons in familiar form around the house, don't let them in your bed. 
3. Never start, buy or otherwise own a Flea Circus. 
4. Don't listen to Ben when he asks you to let all of his buddies move in with you.
5. Don't lick reptiles even if they taste really, really good.
6. Don't listen to heresy like the Earth is Round - it'll only lead to trouble.
7. Don't eat cooked bacon - it's much better raw.
8. Bleed yourself regularly and for God's sake don't wash the knife. 
9. Bathing, except for witches, is generally frowned upon.
10. Don't have picnics next to mass burial sites.

Contrary to popular belief - Plague was well understood in Medieval Times (not the restaurant show attraction - but the time period)

If those tips didn't prevent the onset of Plague or Sweating Sickness, there was still hope. Here are the Top 10 Medieval Cures for Plague:

1. Burn a witch for good luck.
2. Burn a neighbor good luck (you must accuse them of heresy first).
3. Cover yourself in a poultice of warm cow dung and dance in a circle for 3 hours.
4. If you must take a bath (due to high fever let's say), fill the water with fresh cow urine and dung.
5. Never ever pop the plague postules - let them get as big as possible.
6. Bleed yourself, a lot.
7. Hide under a table or bed - eventually the plague will become confused and leave.
8. Remove your eyes, that way you can't see the plague anymore and it won't be able to see you either.
9. Flog yourself and others nearby.
10. Drink massive amounts of ale and grog if available, and let your milk ferment before drinking.

We love the BBC - and Horrible Histories

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews™ - All Rights Reserved

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Medieval Family - The Tudors

Every family has their issues; some it appears are more dysfunctional than others though. And this has been true across the ages. It's especially difficult when the family goes through a contested divorce and has custody battles and so forth. Now, imagine sticking all of this somewhere in the mid-1500's where plagues and witch-burning were common and indoor plumbing wasn't and you can see that a Medieval Family, like the Tudors was bound to have challenges.

King Henry VIII has a bit of a reputation but of course he didn't live alone, he had family, friends, advisers and enemies and they were all part of the troubles surrounding the reign of the Tudors. That's the focus of a superb showtime original series that's now available on Netflix. "The Tudors" takes us back in time and deep into the family life of one Henry Tudor of England. It's attention to detail and use of costume is one of the most remarkable aspects of the show, which lasted for 3 or 4 seasons. Now, it is very difficult to review something as massive as this show given the sheer quantity of storyline it tackles, so we will return to it from time to and focus on specific parts of the series. Today we're going to introduce the head of the family, Henry...

These troubadours were immediately beheaded after this impertinent performance

Is it better to be feared or loved? We soon found out what Henry VIII thought...

Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays King Henry and throws himself into the role immediately. His King Henry is more youthful and girl-crazy than we might have imagined but that seems to make sense given when they begin the story. Meyer's has played some offbeat characters before, notably the psycho confederate raider in "Ride with the Devil." He is supported by a wildly talented cast including Sam Neill, Henry Cavill (who will be the new Superman) and Natalie Dormer (who had a cameo in Captain America as the hot blonde) among others. This show is gripping, it's educational, its sexy and its just fun to watch. And Henry is by no means the only bad guy in the story. In fact, he seems surrounded by a host of characters far worse than himself which seems hard to believe but it's true. Most of all though Henry is a man in love, in love all the time with a lot of different women but a few times with just one and he takes it to the extreme. We were wondering what would have happened to England if they had No Fault Divorce back then. Anyway, like the intro tells, to really know a story like this one, you'll have to sit through at least 3 seasons of episodes to truly understand what's going on. Lucky for us, they were all easy to watch.

This is King Henry VIII's lesser known 7th wife, Queen Sofia of Spain

A condensed history of the first 2 seasons of the Tudors

There are also a great many lessons to be learned in this series as well. We'll refer to these as the Tudor's Family Counseling Guide:

1. Never kiss your brother behind closed doors.
2. Don't threaten to chop off people's heads unless you're actually going to do it right away.
3. Don't count on the King of France for anything.
4. Don't joust with the King.
5. Don't have daughters and expect to live.
6. Don't start your own religion just to get divorced.
7. Don't get an apartment in the Tower of London.
8. Don't disagree with the King, daddy knows best. 
9. Don't end your sentences with "I am the Kind of England" it just comes across as arrogant.
10. Don't marry off your 4 year old daughters.
11. Don't introduce your hot girlfriend/wife/daughter/aunt/niece/grandma to the King and not expect her to get booty-called.
12. Don't run around in drafty castles naked (or you may end up with Consumption).

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews™ - All Rights Reserved

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