Dating Tips from Henry VIII - The Tudors

We've watched The Tudors now twice - the whole series - and it just keeps getting better and better. But it's not just entertaining; the Showtime series is also very educational. It's taught us not just about English history and the plague, but also about how to develop successful dating strategies. For instance, did you know that King Henry VIII invented both speed dating and speed marriages? Did you know he also invented the "it's not my fault divorce." We came across a little known pamphlet penned in Henry's own hand that contains all he learned about courting women at court. We're including some of the highlights from it in this post.

Henry VIII was quite the ladies man and innovator

Henry's VIII's Dating Tips:

Tip 1 - Be sure to test if your potential date or mate is squeamish by showing her your pus-filled open wounds. Only women with stout constitutions are fit to consort with the King.

Tip 2 -  Be sure to shower women with flattery for it is the quickest way into their lacy drawers. They are especially fond of being reminded how beautiful their heads are while still attached to their bodies.

Tip 3 - Always be generous with the weaker sex by letting them taste all of your food first. This also saves considerable coin that would elsewise be spent on professional food tasters.

Tip 4 - Always ask your date if she is able to conceive male heirs. If she says no, have her flogged, drawn and quartered.

Tip 5 - Get your best friends (like Lord Brandon, AKA superman) to pimp your dates whenever possible and threaten to have them flogged, drawn and quartered if they do not.

Tip 6 - Be sure to ask your dates about their views on controversial religious topics; if you don't like the answers or it turns out the date is either Catholic or Lutheran, have her burned as a heretic.

Tip 7 - It's perfectly OK to be jealous, especially when your date or wife is a Jezebel and whore of Babylon - in which case you will need to have her put to death along with every man she ever met.  

Tip 8 - Be most generous with your gifts, bestowing upon your maid or damsel the finest jewels of the realm. And feel free to give the same exact gifts over and over again but remember not to mention they're used.

Tip 9 - You should marry and divorce as often as possible, but never pay alimony.

Henry VIII also invented the reality show - "Don't Ax Me"

Tip 10 - Always look for new mistresses amongst the queen's maid-servants because no matter how often you do that the Queens never expect it.

Bonus Tip - Always use protection when wenching out on the town; this should consist of two pikesmen as guards and garlic coated condoms in case the wench is a witch, in which case she must be burned after the fact.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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10 Reasons Aliens Shouldn't Invade Earth

So anyway, we were watching several UFO documentaries the last week or so on Netflix and we've got to admit it; they're pretty convincing. We don't think it's a question of whether extraterrestrials exist anymore; in fact they're so many flying around out there it's getting as common to run into one as deer collisions on the roadways. Our real concern now is avoiding the inevitable Alien Invasion and Conquest that's sure to come at any moment, potentially as soon as this December in order to coincide with Mayan Apocalypse predictions. We think that fighting this invasion is probably a non-starter - the key to survival is preventing it in the first place, right?

So with that in mind, we've come up with a plan that's guaranteed to save our collective butts. What we need to do is make up for all the damage done by Voyager when we sent that gold record into Space telling the aliens how great it was here and practically begging them to invade. This time, we need to send a DVD with all the worst aspects of our civilization emphasized and provide the aliens with a compelling rationale for why they shouldn't invade. 

This doesn't look like a real equation anyway - but then again we already know they're vacationing on the moon

And we need to really be blunt about this too; no sense trying to be politically correct or sugarcoat matters. We'll show those aliens how bad it is here and then given 10 really good reasons why not to invade (although they can still visit if they wish as long as they stop causing traffic accidents). Here's the table of contents for the DVD menu:

• Part 1 - The Things we Eat: How they're grown, polluted, processed, killed, ground-up etc.
• Part 2 - We're Killing Machines: It's really not safe here, even for us.
• Part 3 - Zombies: they're everywhere and they'll eat Aliens too.
• Part 4 - Lowering the Galactic IQ: How television may open up new Black Holes.
• Part 5 - 10 Reasons you're better off not living here (although tourism is always encouraged)
• Special Featurette 1 - The Immigration Reform Fiasco
• Special Featurette 2 - The Disco Revolution & Country Music
• Special Featurette 3 - A Tribute to the Crocodile Hunter
• Special Featurette 4 - Polka music and Scientology (the hidden link)
• Special Featurette 5 - Forensic TV - the Anatomy of Good Ratings

Here are the arguments we should apply to keep the Alien Menace at bay:

# 1 Reason not to Attack Earth - Traffic here really sucks.

Aliens aren't patient by nature, this will frighten them

# 2 Reason not to Attack Earth - Too many political ads. We're just too negative, a sort of "Glass Half Empty planet."

# 3 Reason not to Attack Earth - We don't recycle and are generally pretty messy - it would be akin to living with someone who never cleaned their room up.

Would you want to invade this? We didn't think so

# 4 Reason not to Attack Earth - We cancelled Star Trek, multiple times and created Jar Jar Binx.

# 5 Reason not to Attack Earth - Aliens tried doing that before, at Atlantis and they ended up becoming Shriners and driving funny miniature cars while wearing Fez's. 

I can never, ever get out of this car...

# 6 Reason not to Attack Earth - We're heavily in debt and would likely ask for loans that we could never repay.

# 7 Reason not to Attack Earth - Our idea of culture is Reality TV and Jerry Springer, not Bach or Mozart. Who's Bach anyway, they were on the gold record - oh never-mind?

# 8 Reason not to Attack Earth - We would probably worship any aliens who invaded and create some creepy cult that you aliens wouldn't want anything to do with anyway.

I am ready to do your bidding, master

# 9 Reason not to Attack Earth - We've got lot's of germs and we like them so much that we actually grow them on purpose.

Imagine getting slapped by this, you stinking aliens... yea, who's the boss now? uh huh

# 10 Reason not to Attack Earth - Woody Harrelson would be our ambassador.

How do you like my wig, I can get one just like it for your little gray head

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Epidemic - A Raving Playlist

Today's playlist was inspired by the Swine Flu Pandemic that occurred several years ago - actually we had a Pandemic playlist but condensed it with our Epidemic list as it seemed that the Pandemic didn't really qualify to be a Pandemic. At one point we were fairly certain that Swine Flu was going to become the Zombie Apocalypse (for which we have another playlist) but now we think Bath Salts are going to trigger it. You can also find this list on Spotify. Next time you're getting a sore throat be sure to listen to this...

 

Epidemic:
Bush – The Chemicals Between Us
Robert Palmer – Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)
3 Doors Down – It's Not My Time
Candlebox – Far Behind
Evanescence – Sick
Third Eye Blind – How's It Going To Be
Alice In Chains – Rooster
The Doors – L.A. Woman
Billy Idol – Mony Mony - 2001 - Remaster
3 Doors Down – Kryptonite
Alan Parsons – Wine From The Water
Stone Temple Pilots – Sex Type Thing
Billy Idol – Cradle of Love - 2001 - Remaster
Alice In Chains – Nutshell
Berlin – The Metro
3 Doors Down – Here Without You
Aerosmith – Dude (Looks Like A Lady)
Elvis Costello – Waiting For The End Of The World
Finger Eleven – Paralyzer
Bachman-Turner Overdrive – Takin' Care Of Business
Eurythmics – Would I Lie To You?
3 Doors Down – Away From The Sun
Candlebox – Cover Me
Matchbox Twenty – Unwell
Soundgarden – The Day I Tried To Live
Billy Idol – Catch My Fall - 1999 Digital Remaster
Alice Cooper – Feed My Frankenstein
Soundgarden – Fell On Black Days
Billy Joel – Only The Good Die Young - Single Version
Bon Jovi – Bad Medicine
Bachman-Turner Overdrive – Roll On Down The Highway
Paramore – Misery Business
Johnny Rivers – Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Flu
The Black Crowes – Hotel Illness
Toad The Wet Sprocket – Something's Always Wrong
Tom Petty – Free Fallin'
Metric – Help I'm Alive
Eurythmics – I Saved The World Today
Blue Oyster Cult – (Don't Fear) The Reaper
Black Sabbath – Iron Man
Alice In Chains – Heaven Beside You
Elvis Costello – Alison
Matchbox Twenty – If You're Gone
INXS – New Sensation
Blue Oyster Cult – Burnin' For You
Billy Idol – Hot In The City - 2001 Digital Remaster
Madonna – Like A Prayer
The Allman Brothers Band – Hot 'Lanta
The Smashing Pumpkins – Cherub Rock
The Police – Shadows In The Rain - 2003 Stereo Remastered Version
Jonathan Coulton – Re: Your Brains
The Doors – Riders On The Storm
Everclear – Santa Monica
Weezer – Beverly Hills
Aerosmith – Last Child
Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder
Bush – Glycerine
Chevelle – The Red
AC/DC – Back in Black
Alice In Chains – Sickman

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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The 10 Dumbest Movies of All Time

We were inspired after going to watch "Flight" the other night to compile a list of the worst or dumbest movies of all time; at least the dumbest ones we've ever seen. In order to get on this particular list, the films had to be major releases with real budgets and real stars in them; this eliminates the scores of B movies that might otherwise appear.

How did we make our determinations? It was based upon identifying the following characteristics of painfully dumb cinema in the selected movies:

• They are really, really hard to watch.
• They make you want to walk out of the theater and ask for a refund (something we've done for several of these).
• They make you wonder constantly throughout the movie, "if I wait just a minute longer, it might get better" but never does.
• They suck you into an event horizon where time slows down to a crawl and you begin to think you'll be stuck there forever in a kind of purgatory. 
• They take beloved movie icons and turn them into objects of derision.
• They make you say over and over again that anyone, even you or brain-dead coma victims could do better.
• It's hard to remember much about the movie itself - all you tend to recall is your own sense utter revulsion at being subjected to it.

The Dumbest Movies Ever

#1 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Happening: This movie came close to ending Mark Wahlberg's career; it made his remake of Planet of the Apes look like Citizen Cane in comparison. We didn't walk out of this one - this more like the event horizon experience - a true cinema Limbo or Purgatory. Did something actually happen in the movie? We wrote a review though at the time. One dead giveaway of a truly awful movie is an appearance by John Leguizamo doing his Bugs Bunny impression.

We won't subject you to any clips from this dog of a movie - so here's the Pixies...

#2 Dumbest Movie Ever - Showgirls: This movie redefined the term "Bimbo" and ensured that Las Vegas would forever be associated with family entertainment - or not. The following adjectives come to mind when trying to describe this show; vacuous, offensive, Fellini-esqe, boring, unsanitary. Many have tried viewing this as cult film to mock it but the problem with that is you still have to watch it - which we cannot in all good conscious recommend that anyone ever does under any circumstances.

Licking poles was never this boring before

#3 Dumbest Movie Ever - Gigli: Before Brangelina, there was J-lo and Ben. They made a movie together and it was so bad it wrecked their marriage or relationship or whatever it is was they were doing. J-Lo made a movie with Marc Antony as well (where all they did was fight) and then they got divorced too. Come to think of it that's what happened to Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman - rule of thumb - don't make bad movies with your spouse if you want to stay married. Was there a story behind the movie - not really - and we couldn't finish watching it anyway.

They were so happy before they made this stupid movie - makes us want to cry - so did the movie

#4 Dumbest Movie Ever - Howard the Duck: This movie should have forewarned George Lucas never again to experiment with seemingly cute, highly marketable characters. Instead, a decade later he saddled us with Jar Jar Binx and cinema may never recover from that decision. 

Little known fact - this actor had auditioned for Yoda 27 times over a 25 year period

#5 Dumbest Movie Ever - Flight:  Denzel, you're grounded - no more movies where you're piloting, conducting or otherwise driving anything, please. We just reviewed this if you'd like to see the gory details.

#6 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Animal: This was one of those movies we walked out of and requested a refund for. It helped end what had been a half-way successful career for Rob Schneider. Calling it offensive would of course be offensive to the word offensive.

You never see full-service any more, what a pity

#7 Dumbest Movie Ever - Land of the Dead: This movie answers the question; what would happen if the Mentalist, Bugs Bunny and Easy Rider had to fight super-intelligent tool wielding zombies?  The only problem was - we weren't asking that question.
 

#8 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Campaign: Remarkably, three of the dumbest films of all time on this list come from 2012 and the year isn't even over yet. This film, which we both walked out of and requested a refund for, tried its best to steal the title of most offensive film ever from such classics as The Animal and Freddy Got Fingered. We're fairly certain that the script was written by 13 year olds while attending a Summer camp for troubled youth. We thought nothing could be worse than the real election, but we were wrong.

This movie is the single greatest threat to Democracy since the Soviet Union invaded Eastern Europe

# 9 Dumbest Movie Ever - Burlesque: This movie was eerily like Showgirls yet featured a lot more singing and makeup in general. Christina Aguilera has an unusual talent, she can break both eardrums and various types of glassware with her raunchy ballads and booming voice. This movie shows us that most girls actually go to Hollywood in hopes of becoming strippers or singers in dive clubs owned by freaky Cher look-alikes, who knew.

Singing in a dumpy, dark lit strip club is every girl's dream come true

# 10 Dumbest Movie Ever - Catwoman: We like Halle Berry but this bizarre action flick came close to ending her career. It has taken her about a decade to recover from it. All we seem to recall from this movie was a cameo attack from Basic Instinct and lot's of meowing.

Catwoman advanced women's rights movements everywhere

Honorable Mentions:

1. Battlefield Earth - We had a hard time deciding this one. It was so bad that it crossed over into B movie territory. It came in at 11 anyway though.
2. Every Transformer Movie - With the exception of Megan Fox, there was never any reason to watch. This is the only movie franchise that needs to include a warning to take aspirin before viewing.
3. Dune - Despite the face we really like the book or perhaps because of it, this movie pained us a great deal. "Arrakis, Desert Planet, really dry with no beaches ('cause there's no water - get it), lot's of inane narrative and silly costumes - and Jean Luc Picard, what are you doing here."

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews™ - All Rights Reserved

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