The 10 Ten Least Scary Horror Movies of all Time

As promised, we're going to complement our list of the Top 10 Scariest Movies of all time with the Top 10 Least Frightening Films ever. Halloween, being the silly holiday that it is - represents a great opportunity to lampoon some of Hollywood's goofier attempts to scare folks. We have also determined that we've become temporarily obsessed with Halloween Top 10 lists so after this post we're going to create a top 10 list on the absolute worst, stupidest Horror films ever made. Enjoy...

• Number 1 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - The Blair Witch Project: So here's the formula; no plot, no budget, no decent cameras or actors and guess what - it's not scary - what a surprise! It's not even entertaining or interesting. The Blair Witch ought to sue for defamation of character. We wanted our money back and we're wondering how we got suckered into going in the first place. This movie launched a trend of found footage - crap horror films. Thanks a lot!

Trees, dirty walls, winter hats and black and white film aren't intrinsically scary on their own (or together for that matter).

• Number 2 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - Maximum Overdrive: Stephen King is the best Horror story-teller ever hands down. What we don't understand is why the vast majority of his novels turned into huge box office stinkers like Maximum Overdrive. This movie is features killer trucks, a truck stop, killer lawnmowers and a soundtrack provided by AC-DC. How could it go wrong? It took Emilio Estevez's career decades to recover from this.

The scariest thing about this movie was Stephen King's appearance in the Trailer

• Number 3 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - Invasion of the Body Snatchers: Did you ever have the sneaking suspicion that your spouse was a giant vegetable or perhaps an alien? Do you find Donald Sutherland's hair to be unusually disturbing? Do you feel paranoid about socialists taking over by 2016? Well, if you answered yes to any of these questions perhaps you might find this movie scary. We didn't - and ye it's safe to eat giant Eggplants.

Are you talking to me ? - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECK ?

• Number 4 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - Frankenstein (1931): Boris Karloff gave us the Monster Mash, but way before that he played the first Horror superstar - Frankenstein. It's hard to imagine anyone found it frightening back when it came out in the thirties as they were already making fun of it in the 1940's with Abbott and Costello. Universal Studios eventually assembled an Avengers-like ensemble of monsters with the Mummy, Dracula, the Werewolf - but it all started with Frankie. He was also the proto-zombie for all zombie flick as well. But the guy was just too nice to be scary.

Squarehead, dead-Bob ?

• Number 5 Least Scary Horror Film Ever  - The Bride of Frankenstein: Unlike zombies in today's movies, Frankie wanted to hook up with some superfreaks - perhaps it was the result of a fatal dose of Viagra, who knows. Dr. Frankenstein, wanted to make sure Frankie didn't run off with his wife so he decided to make him a playmate (well not a playmate like that). However something went wrong during the last phase of the reanimation and her perm got ruined, but she was still pretty hot (especially after being juiced with 100,000 volts of electricity). Unfortunately, she wasn't too enthused about her blind date with Frankie and things just didn't work out for them.

She's Electrifying ! - But your not the one that I want... do do do

• Number 6 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - Scanners:This is the one movie that could have been cured with extra strength Excedrin. Bulging blood veins, heads exploding and an army of mental assassinations fails to make this story interesting or the least bit scary.

Scanners really blew our mind - sorry we couldn't resist

• Number 7 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - The Fly: Jeff Goldblum provides a whole new dimension to the term, I've got a bug in my program with this horror remake from the 1950's (the original starred Vincent Price and wasn't scary either). While entertaining and sometimes gross, the film never crossed the scary threshold except perhaps for an instant during the dream sequence scene when Gina thinks she's given birth to a giant slug.

• Number 8 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - Cujo (and Pet Cemetery): So we've got Stephen King again, pets and a lot supernatural activity - but we're just not feeling it, sorry. Perhaps if they had made the films using a Pit Bull, who knows.

We're pretty sure Cujo is the same lovable dog from the Tom Hank's film Turner & Hootch

• Number 9 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - Dreamcatcher: So Stephen King again, sorry Steve - and an all-star cast and aliens this time. Everything happens in Maine of course because that's where Steve places all of his stories, although we heard he lives in Sarasota now so why not any haunted yacht stories? The full-retard alien kid and the toilet and farting scenes make this perhaps one of the the grossest horror films ever but definitely not one of the scariest.

• Number 10 Least Scary Horror Film Ever - Paranormal Activity: Let's see, I'll take my crap video camera and turn the lights off and on, scream lot and drop things. Ok - didn't I make this movie when I was five years old. Why aren't I getting the royalties?

Who knew CCTV could be soooooo scary? or not

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Parabolic Activity – Apollo 18

So, we actually decided to watch cable last night and came across a relatively recent film that we had wanted to see yet somehow managed not to (at the theatre). Of course, we’re getting to the cinema more often these days as they’ve figured out how to make the world’s best (and messiest) funnel cakes there – but we digress. The film we’re reviewing today is Apollo 18, otherwise known as “How to go to the Moon without anyone really knowing about it.”

The moon - it's rocky, cold and filled with pesky spiders

Apollo 18 is a found footage movie – which is code for they were too cheap to hire a cinematographer. Of course, we were somewhat perplexed as to how most of the footage could have been found considering most of the film blew up with the hapless astronauts who obviously needed more practice with orbital docking – but we’ll get to that later.

The movie begins with an interesting premise – namely that it seemed odd that the Apollo program was cancelled before sending the last three scheduled missions. All rockets had already been built and delivered – if you ever happen to drive south on I-65 through Huntsville AL, you can see one of them at the rest stop there. So, with that rocket we’ve accounted for one cancelled mission anyway – an ignoble end to America’s most powerful rocket ever built. Why did Nixon cancel the Apollo program – the movie suggests a partial explanation in that Apollo 18 was used for a secret DoD mission. We have a few theories of our own as to why Nixon cancelled the program:

• He wanted to use the Apollo rockets to spy on the Democratic National Committee
• He wanted to use the rockets to drop bombs really, really fast on North Vietnam (catch them before they can move).
• He wanted to send hippies like John Lennon into lunar exile.
• He wanted to find new sources of minerals in order to bring back the gold standard.
• He wanted to use them as really large fireworks to impress the Chinese.

Perhaps we may never really know why he did it. But in the movie the idea goes something like this – the Ruskies (AKA Soviet Union) have managed to send up their own lunar mission which runs into some sort of strange phenomena and the US sends a team of sacrificial spacemen to film whatever is happening up there.

The moon is spooky enough w/o having Bjork associated with it…

Once on the moon, it’s poltergeist meets Apollo 13. We’ve got these weird moon critters who apparently have their own radio transmitters because they’re always on there making funny noises, we’ve got flying rocks which like to jump into spacesuits and our hero astronauts dropping things and generally trying to scare each other a lot. Funny, they forgot to bring the jumping cat with them and of course there is no attic or basement to go into so basically it’s all scary. Anyway, we view the movie as a a sort of training exercise of what not to do on moon missions.

The top 10 list of things not to do on the moon:

1. Agree to go on secret moon missions.
2. Drive a lunar rover without seat belts.
3. Listen to Space Oddity, Rocketman, Major Tom or anything by David Bowie / Ziggy Stardust while on the moon or in space.
4. Collect moon rocks that move on their own or otherwise seem to be alive.
5. Go down into a deep dark crater without a flashlight
6. Stand next to a deep dark moon crater (with your back turned towards it).
7. Bunk next to a guy who just said he had something crawling inside his helmet while he was moon-walking (and we don’t mean the Michael Jackson kind of moon walking).
8. Open the lunar module and let in the guy with visible moon spiders crawling in his helmet.
9. Follow mysterious footprints on the moon (in a place where no man has walked before).
10. Try to rendezvous two spacecraft traveling at 12,000 miles an hour in orbit without using the brakes.

So now we’ve discovered where the moon spiders came from…

We think these are great moon safety tips and are truly thankful to Apollo 18 for pointing them out. We had blast watching this – it was far out – the finale was explosive – cheap pun alert…

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