I ain't afraid of no witch - Witch-busters !
Season of the Witch begins with a portfolio review of Nick Cage's Crusader battle performances on his Middle East "Kill the Infidels" Tour. Nick Cage plays a Knight who for some reason felt compelled to fight for the church to capture the holy land even though he doesn't seem too religious. His motivations escape us - perhaps he was just answering a want ad something like this:
"The Crusades - be all that God wants you to be - from the sun-drenched shores of Lebanon to the blood-drenched walls of Tyre. Fight to restore the Holy Land to mother church - and by the way you can keep all of the loot too..."
We'll never be sure why Nick signed up, but it seems as though the only joy he derives from the Crusades is on betting on how many Saracens he can kill with his drinking buddy, Ron "Quest for Fire" Perlman (publicity photo below).
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| Who wouldn't want to hang out with this dude? |
So, after about 15 years of non-stop killing on their victory tour (these guys got around more than the Rolling Stones), Nick becomes disillusioned after having to hack up a city full of innocent women and children. Apparently, the betting with Ron and boozing in local Crusader taverns just looses its charm and he and Ron decide head back to merry old Europe (we're not sure exactly where in Europe they came from or where they were returning to). We do know however that nowhere in the movie did they visit New Orleans.
Redbone and the Witch Queen of New Orleans - yeah that's cool - but not part of the movie
Now Europe at the time was a quaint, charming vacation spot in the 1300's - filled with witches, demons, various fairy tale monsters and the ever-present Black Death. Nick and Ron needed a break so they head directly into the dark woods of what looks like Transylvania. Oh, we forgot to mention an important scene earlier on in the film where we were introduced to some dedicated witch hunters and typical village witches from what seemed to be the region that Nick and Ron would visit later. The scene was remarkable in that it dispelled an important myth about Witches - it seems as though they don't float after all. Although there is still some scientific controversy about that claim - the following video does seem to provide compelling evidence supporting the 'witches are made out of wood' theory.
King Arthur isn't as well known for his focus on STEM education in medieval Britain, but he was a science pioneer...
Nick and Ron manage to get conscripted into an important witch relocation mission. They're given a band of less than merry expendable sidekicks and a cute teen witch who looks a lot like Kristen Stewart after she dumped Robert Pattison (e.g. really guilty). Despite the fact that she can pick up big guys wearing armor with one had and seems fairly creepy, most of the group feels sorry for her - which is surprising considering the general attitude regarding witches in the region. She seems to have the unique talent for spreading plague to each town she visits which makes everyone look as though they've got fruit growing from their faces.
What would have people in the middle ages done with Emo Girls or Goths?, Hmmmm
So anyway - long story short - there's this book and it has power and the demon inside the girl wants it - and she kills everyone (except Nick and Ron and some teenager who looks like he should be in the Twilight series) and then these guys end up being exorcists and then the girl and the demon break up and she goes out with this teen and live happily ever after although Nick still seems miserable and Ron turns out to be dead after all - the end. Whew...
But then - wait - we found out she came back to 1971 - where George Romero made a movie about her - she looks a little older though. That movie is called Season of the Witch too (not 2). Only in this movie she tends to wear a ton of makeup and perhaps uses the blow-dryer a bit too much.
Well, this witch is having a bad hair day, reminds us of Nick Cage a little...
And it looks a though we've run out of time to address Nick Cage's hair - stay tuned we will keep our promise.
