Breaking Bad AP Chemistry 101

Hello and welcome to the Breaking Bad AP Honors Chemistry course.

We have lot's in store for you this semester and we're sure it will prove to the most exciting science class you've ever taken. Your professor this year is our Dean of Chemistry, Walter White. Professor White brings an unparalleled academic record and an absolute love for chemistry into every course he teaches. He is recognized worldwide for his skills in growing crystals and also runs a thriving small business in his spare time. Your course assistant this semester is Jesse Pinkman, he is majoring in Meth Production and Distribution as well as punk rock.

Your AP Chemistry course Professor, Walter White

Course Syllabus
This semester's course will be divided in the following categories or sections; we'll denote within each area when labs are required:

Bomb Making Essentials - We will explore a variety of chemical compounds used to produce explosives and even create triggering devices. These techniques will come in very handy whenever you may feel the need to blow the face off of any rival druglord.

Lab 1 - Mercury mini-bombs.

Lab 2 - Glycerin (how to turn soap into dynamite)

Lab 3 - Plastique basics   

Dissolving Bodies - There's nothing worse than using the wrong acid compounds to eliminate evidence, it can lead to serious damage to your lab or basement. This section will explore how to most efficiently dissolve corpses while leaving your lab intact.

Lab 1 - Dissolving Guinea Pigs in milk cartons

Meth Production - Baking crystals isn't easy. Professor White takes you from theory to large scale production. 

Lab 1 - How to make super-pure Blue Meth Crystals 

Lab 2 - How to clean your lab without driving your mentor insane

The Big Rock Candy Mountain...

Setting up Mobile Labs - Being stuck indoors all the time is no fun for anybody let alone homicidal chemists - there is a way around this dull routine however; build a mobile lab. This section will explore everything from the types of recreational vehicles to choose as well as finding the equipment best suited for mobile chemistry. 

Lab 1 - Properly weighting down the RV

Killing your co-workers - Competition within the chemistry field can be cutthroat and let's face it, who needs the aggravation? Whenever you find yourself at odds with up and coming talent why not just eliminate the stress altogether? Or what about that partner who got rich off of your discovery and screwed you over? This section explores the myriad of ways you can use what you love (chemistry) to kill jerks you don't like.

Lab 1 - Killing co-workers at the lab

Lab 2 - Killing associates outside of the lab

Mixing Poisons - Ever wish you could make your own Ricin? We'll cover that and much more in this section.

Lab 1 - Using household items to produce deadly toxins.

Chemistry and Glam Rock - Even Chemists need to unwind; why not do it by creating elaborate Karaoke videos to David Bowie or David Bowie knockoff songs. This section of the course will show you how. 

this seems so harmless... ha ha ha

Chemistry and Glam Rock go hand in hand

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Oliver Stone's Untold History of the United States

History is a fascinating topic and here's why:

1. It is the over-arching story of all of us.
2. It is a highly interpretative and subjective art (it's not a science).
3. It is hopelessly intertwined with the cultures that produce it.
4. It serves as the larger context for every other type of information our society produces (be it science, religion etc.)
5. It often involves people and events we know, or think we know.

Oliver Stone and Showtime have teamed up to produce what can best be described as an alternative course in 20th Century American history called Oliver Stone's Untold History of the United States. The truth is that Director Stone began this project 30 years ago through films like Salvador, Born on the 4th of July and JFK. But now it has moved from specific stories to an all-encompassing historical perspective.

Maverick Producer / Director Oliver Stone

The core premise of the show is that there are a lot of misconceptions in the traditional or common textbook versions of what happened in the US over the past century or so. Stone attacks what he sees as that bias and adds some very interesting spin of his own. The show is still early in its run and is just about to tackle the Cold War in its next episode. This week Stone explored myths surrounding the use of the Atomic bomb in Japan at the end of WWII. So far the most interesting part of the series has been the focus on Franklin Roosevelt's first Vice President, Henry Wallace. Most Americans don't even know that Roosevelt had another Vice President (other than Truman). Wallace's story proves both fascinating and tragic; but for one late night vote at the 1944 Democratic Convention Wallace would have become President and presided over post-war America. 

Henry Wallace - FDR's 1st Vice President 

In the following episode, "The Bomb"  Stone more or less eviscerates Truman on every possible level; from political skill, to personality flaws and even morality. Stone does correctly point out a number of key facts regarding use of the bomb though:

1. The estimate about how many Americans might be lost in an invasion of Japan were vastly inflated later to help justify the bomb's use.
2. Stalin's invasion of Japan (per agreement with the Allies) in August 1945 is what led to Japan's surrender much more so than the dropping of the two atom bombs (at Hiroshima and Nagasaki).
3. Japan would have surrendered months earlier if the US had made guarantees about about retention of the Emperor (something we ended up doing anyway after Japan surrendered unconditionally).
4. Probably the main reason why Truman and his political allies wanted to use the bomb was to warn or threaten the Soviets. This directly led to tensions which kicked off the Cold War. 

There had been strong opposition in the War Department including by the Secretary of War, Eisenhower and others to use of the bomb, yet all those objections were ignored. Truman took responsibility for the decision and the specific directives to use the bombs in populated areas as opposed to somewhere less populated (which could have demonstrated their destructive power without killing hundreds of thousands of people).

The series tackles lots of tough questions like this and that's a good thing. While all the points Stone makes are true, though, he also seems to paint Stalin in a more flattering light than the crazed Soviet dictator deserved (Stalin killed more of his people before WWII than Hitler killed across Europe during WWII). One has to wonder what might have happened if we hadn't taken a hard line with the Soviets or if the bomb hadn't been used. Certainly the using the bomb had little to do with stopping the war, but it did make an impression that was never forgotten and in doing so may have somewhat deterred use of the bomb in future combat (it still has not been used since 1945). We'll never know of course what might have happened if different choices were made - whether using the bomb made us safer or instead brought us to the very brink of self-destruction. These are questions worth asking and we're looking forward to seeing more of Oliver Stone's spin on American History.

Series preview for Oliver Stone's Untold History of America

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A Tribute to the BBC

Today we're paying tribute to the British Broadcasting Corporation or BBC. This year has been tough for them due to a sex scandal over one of their show celebrities; however, we don't think that's how the BBC ought to be judged or remembered. The BBC for us is the network that gave the world Monty Python's Flying Circus and 100's of other memorable programs. The BBC has partnered with PBS since 1971 on what is the longest running prime time program in US television history - Masterpiece Theater. The influence of the BBC is probably more pervasive than most people realize as a number of American TV shows like the Office are in fact copies of previous British productions.

The BBC's understated logo

The BBC is in fact a series of state run television and radio networks. The BBC first began broadcasting TV programs in 1932 and began regular broadcasts in 1934. Television broadcasting was suspended during WW2, but BBC radio was there broadcasting the London Blitz to the world in 1940. The BBC has a long and storied history; it was the preferred method for coordinating resistance fighters in France and elsewhere and also served to inform Hitler that there was still one voice broadcasting Democracy across Europe. 

A family listening to the BBC during World War 2

Ten Reasons We Love the BBC

1. Because it captured Winston Churchill's defiant messages to Hitler and showed the world that Democracy would not give up without a fight.
2. Because Monty Python's Flying Circus probably wouldn't have happened anywhere else - it redefined comedy for generations. 
3. Because Dr. Who never gets old - and it's bigger inside.
4. Because they took Shakespeare and other British theater and made it fun (I, Claudius). 
5. Because the BBC is not afraid to take risks and launch groundbreaking shows across genres.
6. Because the BBC inspired Austin Powers. 
7. Because all the British Invasion bands and then later many Alternative bands helped get started through appearances on British TV. 
8. Because it is the launchpad for many of the best actors on the planet.
9. Because it represents the number one cultural exchange between Britain and the US (the British Invasion is a close second).
10. The BBC has absolutely nothing to do with Rupert Murdock. 

The Teletubbies eventually hit the gym to work on their image issues...

BBC Shows we're Going to Review

1. Sherlock
2. Dr. Who
3. Primeval
4. Masterpiece Theater
5. Torchwood
6. Walking with Beasts
7. Red Dwarf
8. Monty Python's Flying Circus
9. Life on Mars (BBC version)
10. I, Claudius
11. Teletubbies

The Dead Parrot Skit

Mrs., will ya, turn on the tele...

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The Spartacus Awards

The tale of Spartacus and his slave rebellion against Rome never seems to get old. The 1963 version of the movie about him propelled Kirk Douglas into super-stardom. The new Starz series (there are about 4 of them now) about Spartacus have decided to take a unique approach to telling the tale however; one that focuses on the shock and awe of life in Rome circa 75 B.C. Starz has taken the movie Gladiator, added some 300 and mixed in some of HBO's Rome for good measure. All this has been used to "spice up" the old story a bit. Well, it is so spicy we're thinking that it has broken new ground in a number areas for television (even for a cable network). For that reason, we've decided to put together an awards tribute for these shows - it's called the Spartacus Awards because we're pretty sure that they're aren't many other shows that could even compete in these categories...

The new Spartacus (the original actor from season 1 passed away)

Our award categories are as follows:

• Best Blood Gushers - Slow-mo shots of blood gushing out of wounds (mainly inflicted by Spartacus).
• Best Blood Splattering - It's almost poetic the way they do it on this show; there's a lot of love put into it. 
• Best Sword Through the Head - (actually The Walking Dead season 3 could compete in this category if we included machetes, samurai swords and garden tools) 
• Most Gratuitous use of Male Frontal Nudity - And the bigger the better seems to be their motto.
• Most Annoying use of Accurate Latin Grammar - So, Latin doesn't use definite or indefinite articles (the for example) - ok we get it already.
• Best Roman Orgies - No contest here.
• Most creative use of the words Cock and Cunt - The shows must have a rule that one or both words are used several times in every episode. It can be quite challenging to find ways to insert this language into nearly any type of scene. 
• Best Entrail Spilling - And we thought the Japanese and King Henry VIII had this market cornered...
• Best Gladiator Music - We've included an example below. 
• Least use of Wardrobe - The Spartacus series certainly qualifies as Green. There must be relatively little laundry to do given the sparse amount of attire employed.
• Most evil Roman Bitches - There's several who jockey from season to season for the top spot.
• Best Trident Impaling - The groin area is especially popular.
• Best Slave Humping - It's seems as though this is all the Romans ever did.
• Best Whorehouse Massacre - Worthy of its own movie.

Spartacus Vengeance - a new lead but lot's of the same action

Best Gladiator Music award

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Sultry Florida Groove - A Raving Playlist

It was 25 degrees here this morning (in Ohio, USA) and it's getting to be that time of year when we ask ourselves why the hell we don't live in Florida. Sure, Global Warming is making things hotter up here but it's still not the same (and it still gets pretty cold). So we will be thinking about Florida a lot over the next couple of months and we decided to craft a playlist that will help us conjure visions of beaches, palm trees and Sea Gulls - well, scratch the Sea Gulls - Pelicans work better. We actually hate Sea Gulls, but we can't escape them because now they're in Ohio too (what's up with that anyway?). But we digress, we love most things about Florida (not counting the Banana Republic nature of their voting practices) and someday we may live there again (but perhaps vote absentee in Ohio, which is only slightly above Banana Republic level in election management).

As usual this list is on Spotify as well. So sit back and drink a Margarita and try not to ask yourself why you ruined your life by moving North.

We wish we were in this picture - Winter sucks

Admit it - Miami Vice was the coolest show ever

Sultry Florida Groove

John Mellencamp – Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First)
Various Artists – Miami Vice (Crockett's Theme)
Phil Collins – In The Air Tonight
Jack Johnson – To The Sea
Maná – Rayando el sol
Bob Marley & The Wailers – One Love / People Get Ready
Sheryl Crow – Soak Up The Sun
Weezer – Island In The Sun
John Mellencamp – Pink Houses
The Troggs – Wild Thing
Seals and Crofts – Summer Breeze
Jack Johnson – A Pirate Looks At Forty
The B-52's – Love Shack
John Travolta – Summer Nights - Soundtrack Version
Elton John – Tiny Dancer
The B-52's – Rock Lobster
Violent Femmes – Blister In The Sun
Bananarama – Cruel Summer
Jack Johnson – Constellations
Kings Of Leon – Beach Side
Jan Hammer – Miami Vice Theme - Miami Vice/Soundtrack Version
The Decemberists – Down By The Water
Keith Urban – Long Hot Summer
R.E.M. – Shiny Happy People
The Lovin' Spoonful – Summer In The City
The B-52's – Roam
Enya – Orinoco Flow
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – Maps
Dave Matthews Band – Ants Marching
The Temper Trap – Sweet Disposition
Ben E King – Stand By Me
Bryan Adams – Summer Of '69
Dave Matthews Band – Don't Drink The Water
Elvis Costello & The Attractions – Pump It Up
David Bowie – Young Americans - 1990 Digital Remaster
Don Henley – The Boys Of Summer
Dave Matthews Band – American Baby
Gloria Estefan – Turn The Beat Around
Death Cab for Cutie – Summer Skin
The Smiths – There Is A Light That Never Goes Out
The Beach Boys – Fun, Fun, Fun - 2001 - Remaster
Counting Crows – Untitled (Love Song)
Sting – Love Is The Seventh Wave - 2011 Remix
Maná – Perdido en un barco
George Michael Duet with Elton John – Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me
Miami Sound Machine – Hot Summer Nights
A Rocket To The Moon – Like We Used To
Bob Marley & The Wailers – Three Little Birds
Toad The Wet Sprocket – Walk On The Ocean
Sheryl Crow – Soak Up The Sun
The Black Crowes – And The Band Played Om
The Beach Boys – Kokomo
Wavves – King Of The Beach
Dire Straits – So Far Away
Counting Crows – Rain King
The Smithereens – Only A Memory
Billy Ocean – Caribbean Queen (No More Love On The Run)
Foo Fighters – Learn To Fly
Lenny Kravitz – Fly Away
Owl City – Umbrella Beach
Vampire Weekend – A-Punk
The B-52's – Party Out Of Bounds
Gin Blossoms – Until I Fall Away
Lynyrd Skynyrd – Call Me The Breeze
Elton John – Rocket Man (I Think It's Going To Be A Long Long Time)
Tom Petty And The Heartbreakers – American Girl
Katrina & The Waves – Walking On Sunshine
Soundgarden – My Wave
Paramore – The Only Exception
The Allman Brothers Band – Southbound
The Cars – Good Times Roll
Gloria Estefan – Cuts Both Ways
Phil Collins – Another Day In Paradise
John Mellencamp – Wild Night
The Barracudas – Summer Fun
Elton John – Island Girl
Eddie Money – Two Tickets To Paradise - Album Version
Third Eye Blind – Semi-Charmed Life
Cowboy Junkies – Southern Rain
Beck – Que' Onda Guero
David Bowie – China Girl (Single Version)
Maná – Rayando el sol
Jeff Zavac & the Craetts – Hit The Road Jack
The Beach Boys – Good Vibrations - 2001 - Remaster
Django Django – Life's A Beach
Blake Shelton – Some Beach
Katrina & The Waves – Walking On Sunshine
Against Me! – The Ocean
Barefoot Truth – The Ocean

Pick up a seashell and listen, right now...

John Cougar in Key West (we think)

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The Idiots Guide to Writing Wine Reviews

Interested in a new career? How about being a professional wine reviewer? If you're not sure, take a look at the following reasons why you should consider it:

1. You get to drink a lot of wine. (a spit the wine across the room into wine spittoons too which is more fun than it sounds)
2. You get to use French words and act snobby. 
3. You can impress people with your knowledge of soil and composting. 
4. You can travel to many fascinating places that have vineyards and drink a lot of wine while acting snobby and spit while playing with the local soil. 
5. You'll be able to impress dates and folks at dinner parties with your wine-related knowledge and humor. Folks will especially appreciate it when you taste their wine for them.

Wine being poured into a wine glass. Notice the tilt and the graceful flow into the glass...

In order to become a sophisticated wine reviewer however, you may have to get rid of some nasty old wine-related habits including:

• Wine chugging - drinking an entire bottle in one gulp may have impressed the frat brothers, but one wonders if you really get a chance to taste the wine when drinking it this way. 
• Drinking from wine cartons - This is very low-brow and no self-respecting wine critic would do this unless they absolutely had to. One of the reasons for this is the adjectives associated with cartons aren't nearly as appealing as those associated with wine bottles or oak barrels.
• Drinking from the bottle - There's a difference between wine critic and wino - be mindful of it. (this means no paper bags either).
• Drinking wine that costs less than the current minimum wage - Again, low-brow.
• Drinking wine with crazy names - Where once there was just Mad Dog 20-20 now there are literally 100's of wines with such odd names as Mommies Time Out, Smoking Loon or Contested Divorce. It really doesn't matter what they taste like, they'll probably end up in a paper bag. 
• Making Wine Popsicles - Freezing the wine tends to affect its bouquet.

Red, Red Wine - it was probably in a bag

Wearing the appropriate attire enhances the wine tasting experience 

So, now you're ready for the wine reviewer's guide. The most important part of being a wine critic is developing a mastery of wine-related adjectives; those adjectives are as follows:

• Aroma
• Bouquet
• Mature
• Nutty
• Fruity
• Lively
• Rich
• Velvety
• Sweet
• Smooth
• Dry
• Oak (or Oakey)

This song sounds good after drinking 1 1/2 bottles of any type of domestic wine

That's it. Any further adjectives you might need will only be variations of the ones listed above - for example - you could swap 'fruity' for specific types of fruit like Cherries.  So let's try this for ourselves on two very different wines:

Wine 1 - This velvety Cabernet Sauvignon evokes a fruity bouquet with hints of berries and a strong oak flavor.  It goes down smooth with most any meal and makes the perfect dinner complement.

Wine 2 - This lively Chardonnay is a perfect desert wine with its rich aroma and just a hint of nuts. It will go down smooth but a bit dry.

That's it - you've now mastered wine reviewing!

Wine comes from grapes, grapes are fruit. 

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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American Horror Story - Certifiably Scary

Somehow we missed that American Horror Story "Asylum" had launched before Halloween, otherwise we would have included it in one of many celebration of horror posts a month ago:

• The 10 all time best horror shows on Television 
• The Top 10 Horror films that need to be made 
• The 10 Worst Horror Films of All Time
• The 10 Ten Least Scary Horror Movies of all Time
• The Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time

We blame it on the fact that we forgot where the FX channel was on our cable because we hardly ever use it (last time we clicked over there was for last year's American Horror Story). Lucky for FX they have at least one decent show though. American Horror Story is perhaps the most original, most exciting and scariest horror show on television in a long time. This season is not a continuation of season one. The second season sports an entirely new location (a looney bin) and premise but has retained several of the key actors (not characters though) from the first season, namely:

• Jessica Lange (this time as the nun who runs the Asylum)
• Zachary Quinto (a psychiatrist with extreme mommy issues)
• Evan Peters (this year as a suspected serial killer who is being framed)

This season's extra creepy logo for American Horror Story

This season brings a number of new cast members as well, most notably:

• Joseph Fiennes - As the Monsignor of the madhouse
• James Cromwell - As the Josef Mengele wanna be
• Lily Rabe - As the good nun gone bad

Fiennes, who is also playing Merlin in the new Showtime Camelot series, is back to old form and adds some heavy duty acting skills to the cast. James Cromwell does a good job at being a villain (although he's had practice before) but he doesn't seem as convincing as a Nazi war criminal.   

Sister Jude has bad habits

Placing this year's cast in a mental institution (circa 1964) was a great idea as everyone knows that insane asylums have a larger amount of ghosts and evil energy on average than even Indian burial grounds. We used to have an insane asylum in our town that was abandoned and everyone considered it haunted - but they turned it into condos - so perhaps the ghosts there are happy now with all the Direct TV and Wii's laying around. Anyway, the ghosts, the patients and the keepers of the Boston Asylum in the show had no such amusements to occupy them. Instead, they turned to other pursuits such as making lamps out of human skins, creating Tuberculous monsters and otherwise delivering their dialog in those crazy Boston accents. 

Season 2 Trailer

Season 2 of American Horror Story is an amalgam of a huge number of horror plots, including but not limited to:

• The Exorcist
• The Diary of Anne Frank
• Saw
• The Omen
• Silence of the Lambs
• Taken (the UFO mini-series)
• Friday the 13th

There's more going on than that and of course the season isn't over either, yet so far all the many plot-lines and horror references seem to blend together quite well. This show is fairly adult in its themes though so definitely not appropriate for kids under 17 or people who might be easily offended by sexy, killer nuns who act Nazi collaborators. The series did a good job of transitioning to an entirely new plot and like last year remains both exciting and scary. There's less blood and sex than the new Spartacus (on Encore) but lot's of gore and disturbing horror imagery to keep most horror fans glued to their sets (not literally we hope). Just don't attempt the electro-shock therapy or lobotomies at home.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Driver San Francisco - Raving Game Review

Raving Reviews doesn't normally discuss video games, but as of this post that realm shall not remain unexplored. Today we give you our first gaming review, courtesy of one of our talented writers on staff.

Driver: San Francisco, released in September 2011 is one of the more unique driving/adventure games released in the past few years. It's part of a larger Driver series which, with one exception, follows the adventures of Detective John Tanner, originally of the NYPD as he uses his mad driving skills to fight crime.

Nothing stops criminals like reckless endangerment of the public in high speed pursuits.

In the latest iteration of the Driver franchise, Tanner finds himself in San Francisco, where his arch nemesis, Crime lord Charles Jericho is waiting to stand trial. However, in a twist of events Jericho escapes with some assistance from unscrupulous prisoners and guards, as well as a femme fatale with a rocket launcher in a news chopper. This leads Tanner to pursue in his stylish but practical car across the Bay Bridge. Eventually, after the player maneuvers through some unwieldy commuters (who don't appear to stop for anything, sirens or not) Jericho is nearly stopped, and the two vehicles (Tanner's, and Jericho's annexed prison transport) are at a standstill for the briefest of moments. Suddenly, a truck appears seemingly out of nowhere, crashing into our would be hero.

Those of you who want the video summary of what I just wrote, click this. The cinematic is quite nice.

Now, this is where the game takes a turn for the interesting. Detective Tanner, hurt, and seemingly in a coma awakens in San Francisco once more... but not. Mysterious signs with messages like, "Do it again," appear in the game, and Tanner begins having out of body experiences. Soon he discovers that he has the ability to "shift" out of his own body and into another driver. This becomes particularly useful during high speed chases that take place throughout the game. A well placed taxi in the path of a pursuing vehicle can end such events without too much trouble.

\

The shift mechanic is shown here quite decently, apologies for the language barrier... not everyone speaks German after all.

The game, despite being favorably reviewed across the board was largely ignored after release, a true shame given it's replayability factor.  Indeed, it offers a variety of multiplayer modes like "Mass Chase" (one player is the getaway vehicle, while the others pursue in police cruisers) and simple race modes as well. Graphically it's quite decent, even if it isn't running a pretty engine like Frostbite.

I'm looking at you NFS: The Run.

Some of the vehicles tend to fishtail quite easily-- actually all the vehicles do, but it does add a level of challenge to an otherwise easy driving experience. The voice acting isn't the greatest either, though it's helped along by a few clever or at the least chuckle worthy lines gurgled out by the cast. It's especially entertaining to shift into the vehicle with a passenger, who scolds your driving abilities... particularly if you crash often.

One of the more overlooked aspects of games these days in the soundtrack. Some of them like Mass Effect 3 have occasionally bombastic scores, but others aren't expected to have any sort of creative audio. Developers often resort to simple background tunes, but not Driver: San Francisco. DSF has one of the most unique game soundtracks I've seen in awhile, with a mix of funk music, rock, and alternative rock to help keep you speeding through the busy streets of San Francisco-- and enjoy it. 

All around, Driver: San Francisco has all the aspects of a entertaining game, and we at Raving Reviews recommend it heartily! 

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Worst Christmas Decorating Ideas

The holidays are a hectic time, what with Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday piled almost atop one another. On top of that, we're supposed to decorate the house in between all this bargain hunting madness. Sometimes when we don't have enough time to think through our decorating choices, mistakes might be made. Today's post is meant to provide some guidelines that will help avoid some of the more common decorating faux pas's.

Christmas Tree Decoration No-No's:

• Shrunken Head ornaments - We're not trying to make any cultural statements here; headhunters deserve to celebrate the holidays too, but the real reason this doesn't work is that when you put sparkles in their hair the heads look too much like Lady Gaga, which is a bit disturbing for any holiday.  

This guy is under the Mistletoe

• Birth Control or other Adult Devices - Sure it seemed like a good idea after you drank a quart of hard eggnog, but there's a difference between 'family planning' and 'family friendly.' 

• Live Parakeets - They look pretty, but the birds tend to get grouchy after being tied to the tree all day and of course they'll poop on the presents. 

• Movie Popcorn - Decorating the Christmas tree with popcorn has long been an American tradition (although we have no idea why, except the perhaps cotton candy is too sticky). Anyway, never use movie theater popcorn as it is made out of toxic waste. It will dissolve real trees within 24 hours and plastic ones with 72 hours. 

Would you like your toxic snack covered in a river of Cholesterol coated with salt?

• Prescription and non-Prescription drugs (bottles or pills) - It may be a good way to put expired medicine to good use and let's face it - some of those pills are quite colorful. However it may send the wrong message.

• Knives, Needles, Throwing Stars, Surgical Instruments - Yes, they're sparkly and shiny, but not kid friendly.

An attempt to do parakeets on a tree...

• Crime Scene Photos and Evidence Bags - These can be colorful but again may send the wrong message. May be suitable for ex-cast members of one of the many CSI franchises. 

Outdoor Decorations you may wish to Avoid:

• Inflatable Scud Missiles -  For the mother of all yard displays.

• Wicker Man Bonfire (complete with effigy of Nick Cage) - The royalties on this item will further complicate Cage's back taxes.

Wicker man in our neighborhood last Christmas

• Glow in the Dark Nuclear Waste Barrels - If you live close to a Superfund site these are remarkably inexpensive to procure and save big-time on electricity. Many neighbors though get irritated once the tumors begin to show up.

Avatars are in the Christmas spirit all year long

• Avatars dressed as Elves - We actually think this is probably ok except that it kind of gives away the plot for the sequel and James Cameron might sue you.

• Stonehenge Replica complete with Druid Priests - This is often combined with the Wicker Man sacrifice. The stones may fall over on small children though, so not so family friendly. 

Druids are often mistaken for Klu Klux Klan - thus proving problematic for urban settings 

Druids have lousy holiday music

• Wax replicas of you and your family with speaker systems inside - The idea of recording holiday greetings and repeating them all night every night certainly might save you a lot of visiting - although neighbors may eventually use the statues for target practice.

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Hell on Wheels jumped the tracks

Or perhaps we should say they "jumped the shark." Hell on Wheels is another one of AMC's original series. Season 1 of the show (which debuted last year) started off in a very promising manner - introducing a wide array of interesting characters and setting the stage for a growing set of conflicts. The cast of the show is fairly impressive as well; from the lead character, Anson Mount, to nearly a dozen other supporting roles. Mount who plays Bohannan, is a civil war veteran who lost his family to  several nasty union soldiers and he follows them out West for revenge (that's how he gets mixed up with the railroad). The Confederate widow cliche was just done last year in the Disney movie John Carter (in a strikingly similar manner). The show's premise is a mix of various cliches but that's ok as every Western tends to follow that pattern.

Mr. Bohannon - a man perpetually at war...

So Season 1 was chugging along nicely (pardon the pun) and then someone at AMC decided to jump a shark - a great white shark in season 2. For anyone who doesn't recognize the reference, "Jumping the Shark" refers to a particularly goofy episode from the hit series Happy Days where Fonzi jumps a shark tank with his motorcycle. It has now become an expression to be used whenever show creators run out of good ideas. What makes the Hell on Wheels season 2 situation so odd though was that there were still half a dozen excellent plot lines to be resolved but instead the shows writers chose to fixate on something very odd indeed - the White Spirit.

Inside Season 2 of Hell on Wheels

What's the White Spirit? It's a 6'7' Swedish guy who paints himself white to convince the Sioux Indians to go on the warpath (and even gives them guns). Now, the fact that the railroad was coming through their lands and the white man was killing all their buffalo (tatanka) wasn't enough - some guy who looks like Lurch and sounds like the Swedish chef from the Muppets becomes responsible for nearly every key plot twist in the second season. It's not Deus ex Machina - it's Deus ex Smorgasbord. and it's a recipe for shark jumping.

Dominique McElligott as Lily Bell

In the process of watching the Swedish Chef gone wild the series sacrifices two of its most interesting characters in Hell on Wheels. The first is the preacher who turns into John Brown (at the behest of the White Spirit) and the second is Lily Bell who must be sacrificed for no apparent reason other to deprive Mr. Bohannon of happiness (just like James Bond!). The actress who plays Lily was without a doubt the most charismatic presence on the show.

Lurch introduces Dances with Wolves to Swedish Meatballs and Lingaberries

Worst of all, Bohannon, who shoots everyone else he sees, fails to kill the White Spirit in an overly elaborate attempt to hang him from the railroad bridge and we're left with the prospect that Albino Thor might return in season 3. AMC can do itself a big favor and possibly save the show next season by ditching the writers who took all that potential from season 1 and translated it into one giant shark jump - oh and please send Thor back to Sweden to found Ikea or something, thanks.

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