There are rumors flying about Hollywood this week that Lost creator, JJ Abrams may be hired to direct one or more of the new Star Wars episodes under Disney supervision. We're very concerned about this; in fact we're a bit horrified.
JJ Abrams, the force is not with you
We don't think JJ Abrams should ever direct a Star Wars film and here's why:
# 1 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he created and directed Lost, and we'll never forgive him for the several hours we Lost trying to figure it out. And what was with that Smoke Monster anyway?
Historians, scholars and psychologists have all determined that Lost was really stupid
# 2 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he's named JJ; this is simply not diginified enough to qualify.
The smoke monster, you'll never look at your fireplace the same way again
# 3 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he directed the new Star Trek remake (2010) and filmed most of it in a a beer factory. Warp engines shouldn't look microbrewery vats.
Free samples after every shot, the cast loves beer!
# 4 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: It is illegal, immoral and unethical to mix the Star Wars and Star Trek franchises.
This could result in a holy war
# 5 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because JJ is addicted to lens flaring to avoid creating actual scenes.
Maybe if we can't see the picture we won't figure out it sucks?
# 6 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he is not George Lucas. enough said.
# 7 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he owns too much Disney stock and there will likely be a conflict of interest with him succumbing to pressure to include Disney characters into the episodes.
Merchandising gone wild
# 8 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: He's just too damn busy. We need someone with a bit more time on their hands - this shouldn't be rushed.
# 9 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because Cloverfield was almost as stupid as Lost. It seems as it was the smoke monster doing a cameo.
Cloverfield could never compete with the Frankenstorm
# 10 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because we're interviewing for the job, put in a good word for us.
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The Raving Reviews Blog is dedicated to the convergence of popular and critical review of the motion picture art - that and taking a sometimes irreverent view of popular culture.
