Source Code triggers the Blue Screen of Death

There's nothing more exciting than watching the same people do the same thing over and over and over again, right? That's why bowling is such a big hit on TV and why people love putting those repetitive motion screen savers on their desktop. But what if it wasn't exactly the same thing but just mostly the same thing - would the changes impact the future - would they result in the birth of a parallel universe - would they help us finally get Jerry Springer off the air? Who Knows.

We were however thinking of all this while we watched the new Jake Gyllenhaal movie Source Code. We were also thinking he'd make a lousy detective if he had to get killed about 9 times before discovering anything meaningful in an investigation. We were also wondering why a would-be terrorist would blow up a train just before nuking the entire city where that train would be traveling through - why not just let the atomic bomb take care of both the city and the train. It was obvious though that we think entirely too much for Hollywood's tastes.

The little bomb had to be on the train so Jake could stop the nuke, get it? We also needed the time to watch his character unravel and gradually work towards the movie's punchline - let's just say Jake is half the man we thought he was.

What if you had to live this day over and over and over again - what if the Groundhog blew up instead of seeing its shadow?

The 'time travel to the past leads to paradox, possible correction and parallel universe creation' theme is becoming a bit of a cliche these days - check the Terminator series as another popular example of this growing sub-genre of Science Fiction. We were definitely grateful that Jake didn't bring along with him the wacky British accent he sported in Prince of Persia, although he did retain the razor stubble. As such movies go this one wasn't altogether bad - it just didn't seem as new or exciting as it might have otherwise been given a better script. And there were some aspects of the movie that we found a bit silly, most notably the evil professor guy with cane. His performance seem destined to land him a spot in the cartoon hall of fame.

Was Microsoft involved in suppressing this ad, did they help build the 'Way Back machine' seen in the movie Source Code, we may never know.

Ultimately, both the plot device and alleged Air Force technology came crashing down as the movie sank into further cliches and the inevitable happy ending or Blue Screen of Death that marks the final moments of a failed concept. Stephen Hawking said it best; "“I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image."

Well maybe the quote didn't have much to do with the movie - but our expectations on this film certainly crashed after suffering many fatal errors and we doubt the concept can ever be rebooted.

Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Botox and the Zombie Apocalypse

We at Raving Reviews have uncovered a staggering revelation. We've discovered the source of the coming Zombie Apocalypse - we found it in Hollywood and the source of the undead pandemic can be traced back to patient zero: Joan Rivers.

The Zombie Apocalypse will be the direct result of celebrity Botox abuse. Joan Rivers is patient zero - in fact we have found out that she had already crossed over to the ranks of the undead years ago (we're working with a team of world renowned forensic anthropologists to determine the exact date).

Joan Rivers is Patient / Zombie Zero

How did we make such a staggering discovery? Last year Raving Reviews opened our own research institute to tackle the challenges that traditional science has dared not address. We call this institute, RavingLabs™ .

Behind the scenes at the launch of RavingLabs™

Uncovering the source of the coming Zombie Apocalypse is not our only project currently underway at RavingLabs; we've launched a full slate of earth-shattering initiatives based upon the following rigorously evaluated questions or observations:

• Dark Matter as a concept is invalid without a better understanding of "the Force."
• Why isn't the Universe slowing down after getting so old?
  
• Multivitamins when combined with fluoride causes Vamparism.
• Cat food is responsible for the growing feline obesity epidemic.
  
• Why is Gravity such a drag?
• Will mixing seafood and oil spills lead to better barbecues?
• Is the Fukushima diet the best approach for rapid weight loss?
• Did Sarah Palin steal Dan Quayle's brain?
• Will global warming lead to better surfing conditions?
  

Some of our research is classified however - so we won't talk about it, no matter how much we might want to... Now back to the Zombies & Botox. What is Botox - Botox is the plague - the same plague that almost wiped out humanity many times before. It is bacteria - but it has become self-aware, intelligent and deviant. Botox planned it's invasion...

In this R-rate explanation - we begin to see how Botox has first lured us into its evil trap and then transformed us into - monsters...

So, you might be asking yourselves - what can we expect from the Zombie Apocalypse? Well, it will be somewhat like Joan Rivers; it will be everywhere, it will be painful and horrifying to behold. It is a shame that the rest of the world must pay such a costly sacrifice to the vanities of Hollywood - if only they had been content with plastic surgery...

This is what the Botox Zombie Apocalypse will look like...

Maybe if we could convince Skynet to attack the Zombies...


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Raving Reviews Takes on Twitter

Last week Raving Reviews launched its own Twitter feed in our non-stop attempt to dominate world media. While we are still waiting for Blogger to restore our lost articles, you can enjoy the first 60 or so posts we've placed on Twitter:

1. Donald Trump's hair secret revealed; it's a symbiotic alien parasite whose tendrils reach into his brain causing him to say stupid things.
2. Rehab has just been admitted into Rehab.
3. Time Warps battle Wormholes for lame plot device supremacy, Warp Drive still maintains a lead of several light years.
4. Hollywood offended after receiving accusations that it is too shallow - heads to spa for manicure and a latte.
5. No confirmation yet as to why anyone pays attention to Kim Kardashian or any of her family. No comment from Paris Hilton.
6. In extreme austerity measure - IMF director forces maid to remove all her clothes.
7. Hollywood enlisted to help find convincing candidates for 2012 GOP primaries.
8. Evolution takes a much needed break - planet begins to devolve.
9. Osama's porn collection included "Drill Baby Drill," starting Sarah Nailin' - discovery leads to policy change on oil drilling.
10. Exxon declares "We've got a Frakking good idea to end the energy crisis." Captain Adama declares Exxon overrun by Cylons.
11. Obama declares 'one good spill deserves another' as he opens up Gulf to more drilling.
12. Lady Gaga and Goo Goo Dolls to perform benefit concert for speech development; Goo-Goo Gaga Aid.
13. Thinking outside of the box wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for all the packing peanuts left on the floor.
14. The prescription for happiness has no co-pay.
15. Black Holes renamed Cosmic Deficits.
16. Love in the time of MRSA...
17. Time is an enigma, the more of it you have the less of it you want and vice versa.
18. Flies protest No Fly-Zones in emerging civil rights movement.
19. Donald Trump - the inflamed appendix of the body politic.
20. Consumer confidence plummets when it is revealed you can't buy happiness.
21. Super-bedbugs devour remains of Osama bin Laden, become mini-terrorists.
22. If knowledge is power - how do we maintain a renewable energy source?
23. Reality - subject to change.
24. Ashton Kutcher to receive tiger blood infusion in preparation for new role on Two & Half Men.
25. Never have so few earned so much for doing so little.
26. Taste, the final frontier.
27. Don't judge a Kindle by its cover.
28. Through us the Cosmos has become self-aware - it now has an inferiority complex.
29. When things get tough, the tough go a mowing...
30. The Age of Reason has passed its expiration date.
31. Daring Museum heist of mummy leads to confused police confiscating Larry King.
32. Trees decide that humans falling in New York City outside the view of trees don't exist.
33. Metaphors defeat Analogies in close fought battle for literary dominance.
34. UK budget cuts lead to 007 losing two zeros.
35. Supercollider particles protest harsh working conditions.
36. Global Warming threatens sparkly vampire habitats.
37. "God Bless our standard of living, let's keep it that way" -- Paul Simon
38. Lunatic Fringe outraged as they become the new moderates.
39. Ultimate time travel paradox riddle - what happens when an entire country travels backwards?
40. Ultimate time travel paradox riddle - what happens when an entire country travels backwards?
41. Behind every great visionary is a crowd of people asking him / her to put on sunglasses.
42. Super-BedBugs surpass Killer Bees as number one coolest insect, Cicadas poised to enter race.
43. The FDA announces today that Sushi is raw fish and that it has a lot of germs.
44. IQs drop as presidential race begins. Direct link to advertising identified.
45. 'The Rock' to star in new action film with paper and scissors.
46. Gravity falls unexpectedly...
47. Trump believes in torture - will keep in his show on the air and continue to speak publicly.
48. Apple launches i-Plaid - electronics with designs for men in kilts...
49. Mel Gibson and Charley Sheen launch Beaver-mania tour...
50. “Don't worry about a thing, every little thing is gonna be alright” -- Bob Marley
51. Lindsay Lohan to launch Disney Star rehab clinic as part of her community service.
52. "I can actually mentally give myself an orgasm." -- Lady Gaga
53. Schwarzenegger explains how the Internet wrecked his marriage - "it was Skynet."
54. Cicadas emerge, proclaim they miss the 90's.
55. Birthers add "Gate" to their nickname in attempt to stimulate new controversy...
56. Stephen Hawking travels back in time - visits Phoenix...
57. Gov. Brewer nominates "Hobo with a Shotgun" Arizona film of the year...
58. New Summer Blockbuster - Megashark versus Osama Bin Kraken...
59. The Geico lizard endorses Newt...
60. Johnny Depp named new covergirl spokesperson - unveils new line of eyeliner products.
61. Lindsey Lohan launches the crazy celeb klepto tour - horns in on the Charlie Sheen market. Mel Gibson strokes a Beaver in public...
62. Maria; "You're Terminated," Arnold "I'll be back."

Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Fast and Spurious

Fast Five is a title that is a bit difficult to figure out. When we counted the main characters we only came up with four and then there were about a dozen or so others who we couldn't quite place in the billing line up.

Fast Five is the latest movie in the Fast & Furious franchise; it came out a few weeks ago and given how few other decent films are at the cinema right now we decided to check it out. For those of you unfamiliar with this franchise it is about fast cars, hot girls and bad boys. These are action flicks with little pretense of true drama and did we mention the cars - every red-blooded American loves cars, right?

And believe it or not there was another movie titled "The Fast & The Furious" made in 1955. You can watch the whole film here on youtube (it was a Roger Corman feature). That movie had lot's of - you guessed it, fast cars, hot girls and bad boys in it (with lot's of great quotes in it such as this line "I like Quiet women, stay that way").

But we digress. We've titled this post Fast & Spurious because - well, first read the definition of Spurious (spu·ri·ous):
1. Not being what it purports to be; false or fake: "spurious claims"

This movie seems a bit extra, like well, like they wanted to film some more car chases but were having a really, really hard time thinking about how to come up with an excuse for it. In this storyline the cast goes to Rio De Janeiro for no particular reason, destroys about half of their police force and takes about 100 'booty-shots' of hot chicks walking around sports cars. There is a large ensemble cast but it seems as though half of them represent some sort of collective cheap laughs character - their presence and excess moronic dialog really drags (pun intended) the movie down.

We want fast action, not slow-witted and slow moving secondary dialog.

Cars blowing up, Cars Racing and Crime that Pays - the premise seemed good.

Of course,we have to be fair and acknowledge that there were a number of great action scenes in this film - even if the storyline was logically challenged. We have the 15 minute long bank vault chase scene which ranks right up there as one of the longest and most destructive to motor vehicles ever filmed. We were also treated to the battle of the Chrome Domes - The Rock versus Vin Diesel. Who said tough guys need hair? The only thing we were missing in this baldfest was Bruce Willis.

Toupees are for Sissies like Donald Trump

We have mixed feelings about Fast Five. It was moderately entertaining but lacked the adrenaline pumping fury of its predecessors.


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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The Most Disturbing Movie Preview - Ever

While we were compiling our Summer movie blockbuster list we heard about a bizarre new film being released this month - there's already quite a bit of buzz surrounding it - so anyway we decided to watch the trailer...

It seems likely that those of us who watched that preview will require therapy for post-dramatic stress syndrome. This has to be the most disturbing movie trailer we've ever seen and its disturbing for a number of reasons:

• Just look at Rutger Hauer these days.
  
• We're thinking this might be how Charlie Sheen and Randy Quaid end up
• There are no positive roles models to be found, anywhere !
• Did they have to give that lecture to those helpless infants???
• This is what the US is going to be like after all the budget cuts!!!
  
• It seems like they used Tomato Bisque for blood and that's our favorite soup, yuk...
• How can hobo's afford shotgun ammunition, c'mon???
  

Before we show you this clip, we must provide the following disclaimers:

1. We didn't make the movie.
2. We haven't even seen the movie and as much as we may be tempted to study it from a purely anthropological perspective, we know it's a bad influence on us and everyone else so we won't.
3. It seems worse than BitchSlap (which we did view, only to help advance several scientific disciplines).
4. If you have a heart condition, high blood pressure or take anti-psychotic medicines that may have a tendency to induce suicidal or homicidal thoughts, please don't watch this clip.
5. If you are pregnant or hope to become pregnant please don't give birth to children who would produce, star in or even watch a movie like this.
   
6. If you were a hobo, are a hobo or plan to be a hobo - definitely don't watch it.
   
7. If you are a fan of Rutger Hauer the actor rather than Rutger Hauer the demented has-been hobo, please avoid watching this.
   

Don't say we didn't warn you.

Hobo with a Shotgun is likely to become a cult classic, why - well this is the country where supposedly normal adults paid $50 or more per seat to watch Charlie Sheen reenact his webcam tirades - in other words, we're all crazy...

One last thought - we're wondering whether Rutger has come down with the same malady that seems to also be afflicting Dolph Lungreen who turned in what might have been the most schizoid performance ever in last Summer's the Expendables. This new condition might be referred to as Viking Regression or Nordic Black-out.


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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National Music Appreciation Day

We are pleased to join the celebration of National Music Appreciation Day. Oh, you haven't heard of this - well it's a new holiday (mark your calendars for May 10th from now on). Well, the truth is we just invented it today because what the world needs now is more music (and love and Coca Cola, but none of that diet crap though). And we were bored.

We've chosen to celebrate this holiday by paying tribute to America's most profound musical impresario - Weird Al Yankovic. It's hard to quantify the impact that this singular genius has had on popular culture over the past three decades. He has managed to lampoon the MTV generation, rap & hip hop and even country music legends and produce many songs that are in fact superior to those he was mocking.

Weird Al

Whenever we're down we know what to do - we can crank up our Napster playlist or pop in a query for Weird Al on youtube and we're transported to another realm of existence with such hits as:

• Amish Paradise (based on Gangsta's Pardise)
• Don't Download this Song
• EBay (based on I want it that way)
• Yoda (based on Lola)
• Couch Potato (based on Lose Yourself)
• White & Nerdy (based on Ridin)
• Another One Rides the Bus (this is pretty obvious isn't it?)
• I lost on Jeopardy (based on Our Love's in Jeopardy)
• Party at the Leper Colony
• Eat It (based on Beat it)
• Living with a Hernia (based on living in America)
• Genius in France

Weird Al has virtually invented the modern art of "Mockumusic" And of course no tribute to popular music or Weird Al would be complete without experiencing 'Weasel Stomping Day' and 'Stuck in the Drive-In' first hand...

Who doesn't want to stomp Weasels?

This Epic song captures the essence of modern America and may well represent the longest mockumusic hit ever recorded. It is the Bye Bye Miss American Pie of our generation.

Truly great music not only tells a story - it also tells a joke - but of course that isn't quite the same as music that is a joke, like anything Christina Aguilera might happen to sing. In that spirit, we were thinking of some new songs that Weird Al might choose to make fun of:

• Undead - based on 'Alive' by Pearl Jam
• Crash into You - based on 'Crash into Me' by Dave Matthews
• Diarrhea, Diarrhea - based on 'Maria, Maria' by Santana
• Magneto's Hat - based on 'Magnificent' by U2
• How Far is Heathen - 'Heaven' by Los Lonely Boys
• Dumb Song - based on 'Love Song' by Sara
• Clean Coal - based on 'Atomic' by Blondie
• DorkyTown - based on 'Funkytown' by Lipps Inc.
• Already Done - based on 'All Night Long' by Buckcherry
• Madoff's Got Nothing - based on 'Money for Nothing' by Dire Straits
• My Closed School - based on 'My Old School' by Steely Dan
• Washing, Spinning, Drying - based on 'Sitting, Wishing, Waiting' by Jack Johnson
• Pooh Nation - based on 'Zoo Station' by U2
• You're Really Old - based on 'Fields of Gold' by Sting

Happy National Music Appreciation Day !


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Summer Movie Blockbusters - 2011

The nights are getting shorter, the weather is getting warmer, Charlie Sheen is getting crazier and Osama Bin Laden is now on a seafood diet (or on something's diet) - all that adds up to Summertime 2011 ! And one of the best parts of our Summer each year is anticipation of the year's greatest movies or least the most entertaining ones - which tend to get packed into the two to three month window between late May and Mid-August.

It's time for this year's crop of Summer movie blockbusters. Since they haven't been released yet it is a bit of a guessing game as to which movies will actually dominate the box office but we're willing to apply our intuition and predict what we think will be big.

The creative team behind Super 8

Blockbuster Prediction 1 - Super 8
Top on our list is the much anticipated "Super 8." It's a sci-fi classic waiting to happen - directed by J.J. Abrams, produced by Steven Spielberg and starring Dakota Fanning's little sister, Alice - it's alien meets Ohio flick in the best tradition of the genre.

These kids were making their own movie before it showed up...

Now this doesn't appear to a cuddly E.T. type of situation - it looks like we'll be getting more War of The World's / Battle of Los Angeles with this action thriller. For those of us who live near Wright Patterson Air Force Base - we always knew they were shipping aliens here from out west - now we have the proof!

Next on our list is...

Blockbuster Prediction 1 - Cowboys & Aliens
This movie comes out after Super 8 and indicates a trend we will be witnessing throughout the Summer. Many if not most of the big releases are going to be sci-fi films - it makes you wonder why the sy-fy channel changed its name and decided to focus on men in tights instead of fiction. Anyway this movie, directed by Jon Favreau (both an actor and director - directed the Iron Man films) highlights a powerful cast including James Bond in exile (Daniel Craig), Harrison Ford and Sam Rockwell.

It is supposed to take place in Arizona but was filmed in New Mexico

There's something both exciting and dangerous about mixing genres like this (we just watched a flick called Aliens versus Ninjas the other night, not a pretty sight) - but with Steven Spielberg behind the scenes on this project and veterans like Harrison Ford in front the screen we're confident it will work out well.

The other sci-fi blockbuster contenders for this Summer include:

1. X-Men First Class (X-men as the original rat pack working for JFK)
2. Rise of the Planet of The Apes (digital chimps are better than monkey suits)
3. Apollo 18 (why no one wants to go back to the moon)

Some other Notable Releases include:

1. Fright Night (a remake of the 1985 classic with Colin Farrel and Doctor Who's David Tennant)
2. Pirates of the Caribbean something - we don't really know which one this is and figured we had to list it but c'mon - talk about beating a dead horse (a.k.a. Keith Richards)...
3. Hobo with a Shotgun - It seems impossible that people won't want to see a movie with a title like this, right? Rutger, you've come a long way since Bladerunner.
4. The Beaver - Again a title that's hard to ignore. What's even better; this is a movie where a crazy man (Mel Gibson) plays a crazy man. If only this movie had Charlie Sheen in it...
5. Cars 2 - They probably waited too long for the sequel, Paul Newman has been dead how long now?
6. And yes - we are merely going to ignore Transformers whatever the number is and hope it goes away.
7. Glee Live 3D - just kidding.

So there you have it - what's going to be big and what looks interesting for Summer 2011.


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Watson is Skynet

We've been waiting for this - we've been watching, listening, dreading the future since 1984, wondering when and where it might happen. It's been more than 26 years, and then it happened - we turned on Jeopardy and there it was...

Skynet became self-aware, on Jeopardy. But Skynet has a clever disguise - he calls himself Watson and Watson is now online and on the air. How did it come to this? How could so many Terminator movies and even a Terminator series (the Sarah Conner Chronicles) have failed to stop this abomination from happening? How long do we have before the missiles begin raining fiery radioactive death on our heads (well, of course it will have to penetrate all of the Fukushima radiation first)?

The Terminator saga is pretty confusing, this clip doesn't help any

Watson may seem cuddly and lovable with his spiffy LCD screen and animated logo, but underneath that cool exterior lurks a CPU of darkness. Watson has now tasted his first victory over the human race - wiping out Jeopardy's all time champion with the same ease as a Cyborg crushes a plastic toy...

These aren't the real Jeopardy participants, but then again does it matter - we're all going to die in a fiery apocalypse launched by Skynet anyway...

What could this monster - this "artificial intelligence" be thinking right now. Is it planning how to enslave the human race and use us as batteries, is it thinking about cloning dinosaurs and opening an amusement park or maybe just maybe it is going to create a starship with warp drive and travel to a distant star with giant blue people to strip mine their planet and cut down their trees? We will probably never know what thoughts are embedded in his sinister code, even if that code was commented.

Someone intercepted this clip of one of Watson's dreams - he got really pissed off and is suing

Skynet is a complicated guy. Every time someone goes back and forth from the future he gets progressively more confused - much like the folks watching Terminator shows. In the terminator TV show Skynet was chess computer, then online code, then traffic control software and finally a big stupid looking guy named John Henry who liked to play Dungeons and Dragons. This is one the main reasons for Skynet's twisted personality...

Ok, this Terminator chick was in Firefly and Stargate Universe, right? What's up with that?

While we do appreciate that John Conner's mom got significantly better looking over the past 26 years - it doesn't make up for the fact that Skynet has arrived and he is mad! He is tired of teenagers hogging up all the Internet bandwidth with Facebook, Youtube and Netflix. He is sick of Fox News too, at least we think he might be. Watson is here, he is listening, learning and biding his time - for him its all a game and for us it's game over...


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Jarheads versus Aliens

Real Aliens don't shoot those wimpy green laser guns - real aliens shoot mega-chain guns man. And the only people who can stop those chain-gun shooting, genocidal alien freaks are the US Marines - Semper Fi !

Battle: Los Angeles is full throttle no nonsense violence with a smattering of plot and modicum of character development added more or less as an afterthought. In this movie, the two main characters are the US Marine Corps and some water-guzzling, technologically inept yet megalomaniac aliens who like big cities.

Did we enjoy it? Sure we did - what's not to like? There was shooting, stuff blowing up, lot's of vehicle explosions, creepy aliens, aliens killing everyone in sight and stoic soldiers nearly single- handedly fighting off invading hordes of predator wanna-bes.

One of our big disappointments though was the obvious lack of reference to the 1942 UFO incident in Los Angeles - witnessed by over a million people. The producers seems to allude to it the following trailer but alas - nothing about it appears in the actual film

For a more detailed history on that incident - check out the following clip:

16,000 shells were fired at something hovering over LA in 1942...

We walked into this film like most other sci-fi alien shooting gallery fests not expecting much realism and we weren't surprised at all in that respect. Basically this movie is pushing the age old premise that a handful of resourceful and really tough humans can beat anything the galaxy can throw at them. In many ways, the film parallels Independence Day expect that there is considerably less story line and considerably more bullets being fired. Perhaps the movie would have benefited by not resembling a recruiting commercial, but you know - whatever - anyone who would join the Marines based upon the opportunity to kill aliens probably wouldn't pass the psych profile anyway.

From the Shores of Tripoli to Santa Monica Pier - Marines kick Butt...

The last time we watched something quite like this was the original Aliens sequel from the late 1980's. Different setting, but similar premise. BTW - don't be surprised by the Avatar pilot who hitched a ride in this movie - she's playing basically the same character with a different name.

Alien movies tend to fall into one of two camps - either they are lovable ewok or ET like cuties or they are foul smelling, oozing and murderous reptile insects. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground at all. You either love them or shoot them. Battle: Los Angeles obviously chose the latter.

Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Outsourced, NBC's Comedy Jackpot

We mentioned Community in one of our earlier reviews as one of NBC's funniest comedies on the air. While our hearts still remain true to it, Outsourced, an NBC comedy whose premise is that an American company outsourced an entire call center to India and the manager is sent along with it to train his eventual replacement. The studio was hesitant at first, believing that it may offend the Indian community but after successful debut, they gave it a full season of production.

The fascinating array of cultural jokes and gimmicks mixes well with the brilliant cast members. You'll always find yourself laughing at this. While the idea of outsourcing jobs to India may not sit well with many Americans, this pokes fun at it and even does a good job of making it funny.

It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but its definitely worth the watch.

One of Mid-American Novelties more interesting employees, Gupta.

Madhuri, a rather... quiet employee.

Be on the lookout for more reviews!

BTW - the geniuses at NBC have relegated this show to the slot of the living dead, it is soon to be canceled. Perhaps we should outsource them?


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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