Dating Tips from Henry VIII - The Tudors

We've watched The Tudors now twice - the whole series - and it just keeps getting better and better. But it's not just entertaining; the Showtime series is also very educational. It's taught us not just about English history and the plague, but also about how to develop successful dating strategies. For instance, did you know that King Henry VIII invented both speed dating and speed marriages? Did you know he also invented the "it's not my fault divorce." We came across a little known pamphlet penned in Henry's own hand that contains all he learned about courting women at court. We're including some of the highlights from it in this post.

Henry VIII was quite the ladies man and innovator

Henry's VIII's Dating Tips:

Tip 1 - Be sure to test if your potential date or mate is squeamish by showing her your pus-filled open wounds. Only women with stout constitutions are fit to consort with the King.

Tip 2 -  Be sure to shower women with flattery for it is the quickest way into their lacy drawers. They are especially fond of being reminded how beautiful their heads are while still attached to their bodies.

Tip 3 - Always be generous with the weaker sex by letting them taste all of your food first. This also saves considerable coin that would elsewise be spent on professional food tasters.

Tip 4 - Always ask your date if she is able to conceive male heirs. If she says no, have her flogged, drawn and quartered.

Tip 5 - Get your best friends (like Lord Brandon, AKA superman) to pimp your dates whenever possible and threaten to have them flogged, drawn and quartered if they do not.

Tip 6 - Be sure to ask your dates about their views on controversial religious topics; if you don't like the answers or it turns out the date is either Catholic or Lutheran, have her burned as a heretic.

Tip 7 - It's perfectly OK to be jealous, especially when your date or wife is a Jezebel and whore of Babylon - in which case you will need to have her put to death along with every man she ever met.  

Tip 8 - Be most generous with your gifts, bestowing upon your maid or damsel the finest jewels of the realm. And feel free to give the same exact gifts over and over again but remember not to mention they're used.

Tip 9 - You should marry and divorce as often as possible, but never pay alimony.

Henry VIII also invented the reality show - "Don't Ax Me"

Tip 10 - Always look for new mistresses amongst the queen's maid-servants because no matter how often you do that the Queens never expect it.

Bonus Tip - Always use protection when wenching out on the town; this should consist of two pikesmen as guards and garlic coated condoms in case the wench is a witch, in which case she must be burned after the fact.

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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10 Reasons Aliens Shouldn't Invade Earth

So anyway, we were watching several UFO documentaries the last week or so on Netflix and we've got to admit it; they're pretty convincing. We don't think it's a question of whether extraterrestrials exist anymore; in fact they're so many flying around out there it's getting as common to run into one as deer collisions on the roadways. Our real concern now is avoiding the inevitable Alien Invasion and Conquest that's sure to come at any moment, potentially as soon as this December in order to coincide with Mayan Apocalypse predictions. We think that fighting this invasion is probably a non-starter - the key to survival is preventing it in the first place, right?

So with that in mind, we've come up with a plan that's guaranteed to save our collective butts. What we need to do is make up for all the damage done by Voyager when we sent that gold record into Space telling the aliens how great it was here and practically begging them to invade. This time, we need to send a DVD with all the worst aspects of our civilization emphasized and provide the aliens with a compelling rationale for why they shouldn't invade. 

This doesn't look like a real equation anyway - but then again we already know they're vacationing on the moon

And we need to really be blunt about this too; no sense trying to be politically correct or sugarcoat matters. We'll show those aliens how bad it is here and then given 10 really good reasons why not to invade (although they can still visit if they wish as long as they stop causing traffic accidents). Here's the table of contents for the DVD menu:

• Part 1 - The Things we Eat: How they're grown, polluted, processed, killed, ground-up etc.
• Part 2 - We're Killing Machines: It's really not safe here, even for us.
• Part 3 - Zombies: they're everywhere and they'll eat Aliens too.
• Part 4 - Lowering the Galactic IQ: How television may open up new Black Holes.
• Part 5 - 10 Reasons you're better off not living here (although tourism is always encouraged)
• Special Featurette 1 - The Immigration Reform Fiasco
• Special Featurette 2 - The Disco Revolution & Country Music
• Special Featurette 3 - A Tribute to the Crocodile Hunter
• Special Featurette 4 - Polka music and Scientology (the hidden link)
• Special Featurette 5 - Forensic TV - the Anatomy of Good Ratings

Here are the arguments we should apply to keep the Alien Menace at bay:

# 1 Reason not to Attack Earth - Traffic here really sucks.

Aliens aren't patient by nature, this will frighten them

# 2 Reason not to Attack Earth - Too many political ads. We're just too negative, a sort of "Glass Half Empty planet."

# 3 Reason not to Attack Earth - We don't recycle and are generally pretty messy - it would be akin to living with someone who never cleaned their room up.

Would you want to invade this? We didn't think so

# 4 Reason not to Attack Earth - We cancelled Star Trek, multiple times and created Jar Jar Binx.

# 5 Reason not to Attack Earth - Aliens tried doing that before, at Atlantis and they ended up becoming Shriners and driving funny miniature cars while wearing Fez's. 

I can never, ever get out of this car...

# 6 Reason not to Attack Earth - We're heavily in debt and would likely ask for loans that we could never repay.

# 7 Reason not to Attack Earth - Our idea of culture is Reality TV and Jerry Springer, not Bach or Mozart. Who's Bach anyway, they were on the gold record - oh never-mind?

# 8 Reason not to Attack Earth - We would probably worship any aliens who invaded and create some creepy cult that you aliens wouldn't want anything to do with anyway.

I am ready to do your bidding, master

# 9 Reason not to Attack Earth - We've got lot's of germs and we like them so much that we actually grow them on purpose.

Imagine getting slapped by this, you stinking aliens... yea, who's the boss now? uh huh

# 10 Reason not to Attack Earth - Woody Harrelson would be our ambassador.

How do you like my wig, I can get one just like it for your little gray head

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Epidemic - A Raving Playlist

Today's playlist was inspired by the Swine Flu Pandemic that occurred several years ago - actually we had a Pandemic playlist but condensed it with our Epidemic list as it seemed that the Pandemic didn't really qualify to be a Pandemic. At one point we were fairly certain that Swine Flu was going to become the Zombie Apocalypse (for which we have another playlist) but now we think Bath Salts are going to trigger it. You can also find this list on Spotify. Next time you're getting a sore throat be sure to listen to this...

 

Epidemic:
Bush – The Chemicals Between Us
Robert Palmer – Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)
3 Doors Down – It's Not My Time
Candlebox – Far Behind
Evanescence – Sick
Third Eye Blind – How's It Going To Be
Alice In Chains – Rooster
The Doors – L.A. Woman
Billy Idol – Mony Mony - 2001 - Remaster
3 Doors Down – Kryptonite
Alan Parsons – Wine From The Water
Stone Temple Pilots – Sex Type Thing
Billy Idol – Cradle of Love - 2001 - Remaster
Alice In Chains – Nutshell
Berlin – The Metro
3 Doors Down – Here Without You
Aerosmith – Dude (Looks Like A Lady)
Elvis Costello – Waiting For The End Of The World
Finger Eleven – Paralyzer
Bachman-Turner Overdrive – Takin' Care Of Business
Eurythmics – Would I Lie To You?
3 Doors Down – Away From The Sun
Candlebox – Cover Me
Matchbox Twenty – Unwell
Soundgarden – The Day I Tried To Live
Billy Idol – Catch My Fall - 1999 Digital Remaster
Alice Cooper – Feed My Frankenstein
Soundgarden – Fell On Black Days
Billy Joel – Only The Good Die Young - Single Version
Bon Jovi – Bad Medicine
Bachman-Turner Overdrive – Roll On Down The Highway
Paramore – Misery Business
Johnny Rivers – Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Flu
The Black Crowes – Hotel Illness
Toad The Wet Sprocket – Something's Always Wrong
Tom Petty – Free Fallin'
Metric – Help I'm Alive
Eurythmics – I Saved The World Today
Blue Oyster Cult – (Don't Fear) The Reaper
Black Sabbath – Iron Man
Alice In Chains – Heaven Beside You
Elvis Costello – Alison
Matchbox Twenty – If You're Gone
INXS – New Sensation
Blue Oyster Cult – Burnin' For You
Billy Idol – Hot In The City - 2001 Digital Remaster
Madonna – Like A Prayer
The Allman Brothers Band – Hot 'Lanta
The Smashing Pumpkins – Cherub Rock
The Police – Shadows In The Rain - 2003 Stereo Remastered Version
Jonathan Coulton – Re: Your Brains
The Doors – Riders On The Storm
Everclear – Santa Monica
Weezer – Beverly Hills
Aerosmith – Last Child
Maroon 5 – Makes Me Wonder
Bush – Glycerine
Chevelle – The Red
AC/DC – Back in Black
Alice In Chains – Sickman

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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The 10 Dumbest Movies of All Time

We were inspired after going to watch "Flight" the other night to compile a list of the worst or dumbest movies of all time; at least the dumbest ones we've ever seen. In order to get on this particular list, the films had to be major releases with real budgets and real stars in them; this eliminates the scores of B movies that might otherwise appear.

How did we make our determinations? It was based upon identifying the following characteristics of painfully dumb cinema in the selected movies:

• They are really, really hard to watch.
• They make you want to walk out of the theater and ask for a refund (something we've done for several of these).
• They make you wonder constantly throughout the movie, "if I wait just a minute longer, it might get better" but never does.
• They suck you into an event horizon where time slows down to a crawl and you begin to think you'll be stuck there forever in a kind of purgatory. 
• They take beloved movie icons and turn them into objects of derision.
• They make you say over and over again that anyone, even you or brain-dead coma victims could do better.
• It's hard to remember much about the movie itself - all you tend to recall is your own sense utter revulsion at being subjected to it.

The Dumbest Movies Ever

#1 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Happening: This movie came close to ending Mark Wahlberg's career; it made his remake of Planet of the Apes look like Citizen Cane in comparison. We didn't walk out of this one - this more like the event horizon experience - a true cinema Limbo or Purgatory. Did something actually happen in the movie? We wrote a review though at the time. One dead giveaway of a truly awful movie is an appearance by John Leguizamo doing his Bugs Bunny impression.

We won't subject you to any clips from this dog of a movie - so here's the Pixies...

#2 Dumbest Movie Ever - Showgirls: This movie redefined the term "Bimbo" and ensured that Las Vegas would forever be associated with family entertainment - or not. The following adjectives come to mind when trying to describe this show; vacuous, offensive, Fellini-esqe, boring, unsanitary. Many have tried viewing this as cult film to mock it but the problem with that is you still have to watch it - which we cannot in all good conscious recommend that anyone ever does under any circumstances.

Licking poles was never this boring before

#3 Dumbest Movie Ever - Gigli: Before Brangelina, there was J-lo and Ben. They made a movie together and it was so bad it wrecked their marriage or relationship or whatever it is was they were doing. J-Lo made a movie with Marc Antony as well (where all they did was fight) and then they got divorced too. Come to think of it that's what happened to Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman - rule of thumb - don't make bad movies with your spouse if you want to stay married. Was there a story behind the movie - not really - and we couldn't finish watching it anyway.

They were so happy before they made this stupid movie - makes us want to cry - so did the movie

#4 Dumbest Movie Ever - Howard the Duck: This movie should have forewarned George Lucas never again to experiment with seemingly cute, highly marketable characters. Instead, a decade later he saddled us with Jar Jar Binx and cinema may never recover from that decision. 

Little known fact - this actor had auditioned for Yoda 27 times over a 25 year period

#5 Dumbest Movie Ever - Flight:  Denzel, you're grounded - no more movies where you're piloting, conducting or otherwise driving anything, please. We just reviewed this if you'd like to see the gory details.

#6 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Animal: This was one of those movies we walked out of and requested a refund for. It helped end what had been a half-way successful career for Rob Schneider. Calling it offensive would of course be offensive to the word offensive.

You never see full-service any more, what a pity

#7 Dumbest Movie Ever - Land of the Dead: This movie answers the question; what would happen if the Mentalist, Bugs Bunny and Easy Rider had to fight super-intelligent tool wielding zombies?  The only problem was - we weren't asking that question.
 

#8 Dumbest Movie Ever - The Campaign: Remarkably, three of the dumbest films of all time on this list come from 2012 and the year isn't even over yet. This film, which we both walked out of and requested a refund for, tried its best to steal the title of most offensive film ever from such classics as The Animal and Freddy Got Fingered. We're fairly certain that the script was written by 13 year olds while attending a Summer camp for troubled youth. We thought nothing could be worse than the real election, but we were wrong.

This movie is the single greatest threat to Democracy since the Soviet Union invaded Eastern Europe

# 9 Dumbest Movie Ever - Burlesque: This movie was eerily like Showgirls yet featured a lot more singing and makeup in general. Christina Aguilera has an unusual talent, she can break both eardrums and various types of glassware with her raunchy ballads and booming voice. This movie shows us that most girls actually go to Hollywood in hopes of becoming strippers or singers in dive clubs owned by freaky Cher look-alikes, who knew.

Singing in a dumpy, dark lit strip club is every girl's dream come true

# 10 Dumbest Movie Ever - Catwoman: We like Halle Berry but this bizarre action flick came close to ending her career. It has taken her about a decade to recover from it. All we seem to recall from this movie was a cameo attack from Basic Instinct and lot's of meowing.

Catwoman advanced women's rights movements everywhere

Honorable Mentions:

1. Battlefield Earth - We had a hard time deciding this one. It was so bad that it crossed over into B movie territory. It came in at 11 anyway though.
2. Every Transformer Movie - With the exception of Megan Fox, there was never any reason to watch. This is the only movie franchise that needs to include a warning to take aspirin before viewing.
3. Dune - Despite the face we really like the book or perhaps because of it, this movie pained us a great deal. "Arrakis, Desert Planet, really dry with no beaches ('cause there's no water - get it), lot's of inane narrative and silly costumes - and Jean Luc Picard, what are you doing here."

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews™ - All Rights Reserved

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A Latin Groove - Raving Playlist

White geeks from Ohio can have some ritmo tambien - you better believe it. To prove our point we're sharing our one and only (so far) Latin music playlist on Spotify. If you've never heard Mana, Carlos Vives or Juanes before you're in a for a treat. These guys rock and who cares if you can't understand the lyrics, it never stopped you before, right? There's other interesting Latin music mixed in for fun as well. Mi casa es su casa, disfruta...

Juanes is from Colombia and although we don't know what he's saying in Yerbatero - it sure sounds good

 

A Latin Groove:
Maná – No ha parado de llover - unplugged
Santana – Maria Maria - Radio Mix
Los Lonely Boys – Heaven
Maná – Perdido en un barco
Gloria Estefan – Mi Tierra
Juanes – Yerbatero
Los Lonely Boys – Dime Mi Amor
Ricky Martin – La Bomba - MTV Unplugged Version
Carlos Vives – La Piragua
Maná – Oye mi amor
Los Lobos – Volver, Volver
Tito Puente – Mambo Gozon
Gloria Estefan – Ayer
Paul Simon – Late In The Evening
Maná – Te solté la rienda
Santana – Jingo - Album Verision
Los Diablitos – LOS CAMINOS DE LA VIDA
Marc Anthony – I Need To Know
Los Warahuaco – Cumbia Solitaria
Los Lonely Boys – Señorita
Celia Cruz – Cao Cao Mani Picao
Lucho Bermudez Y Su Orquesta – Colombia, Tierra Querida
Santana – Smooth
Maná – Desapariciones
Los Gaiteros de San Jacinto – Fuego De Cumbia (Cumbia Fire)
Luis Ariel Rey – Carmentea
Santana – Africa Bamba
Thalia – Amor A La Mexicana (Original Version)
Ricky Martin – Livin' La Vida Loca
Gipsy Kings – Djobi Djoba
Abba – Fernando
Santana – Put Your Lights On
Shakira;Artista Invitado Alejandro Sanz – La Tortura
Maná – Rayando el sol
Los 8 De Colombia – El Sanjuanero
Marc Anthony – Este Loco Que Te Mira
Enrique Iglesias – Bailamos - Wild Wild West/Soundtrack Version
Ricky Martin – María
Roberto Torres – Caballo Viejo
Santana – Samba Pa' Ti
Harry Belafonte – Banana Boat Song
Jennifer Lopez duet with Chayanne – Dame (Touch Me) - Duet With Chayanne
Robert Rodriguez's CHINGON – Cielito Lindo
Celia Cruz – Guantanamera
Santana – Oye Como Va
Peter Gabriel – San Jacinto
Maná – En el muelle de San Blás
Los Warahuaco – El Pescador De Baru
Elefante – Sabor A Chocolate
Maná – Se me olvidó otra vez
Gipsy Kings – Volare
Julio Iglesias – La Carretera
Juanes – Es Por Tí
Robert Rodriguez's CHINGON – Malagueña Salerosa
Rodolfo y su Típica RA7 – La Colegiala
Abba – Chiquitita
Fruko Y Sus Tesos – Barranquillero Arrebatao
Maná – Ana
Paul Simon – Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard
Celia Cruz – La Negra Tiene Tumbao
The Champs – Tequila (Original)
Maná – Cachito - unplugged
Los Lobos – La Bamba
Santana – Corazon Espinado featuring Mana
Ricky Martin – La Copa De La Vida (La Cancion Oficial De La Copa Mundial, Francia '98) - Spanish
Gipsy Kings – Hotel California
Julio Iglesias – Agua Dulce, Agua Salá
Liberación – Corazón Prisionero - Dueto Con Cardenales De Nuevo León
Celia Cruz – Caramelos
Tito Puente – Oye Como Va (Bongo Edit)
Colombia Alegre Y Romantica – Brujeria
Juan Carlos Coronel – Patacón Pisa'o
Jennifer Lopez – Si Ya Se Acabo
Juanes – El Burrito De Belén
Maná – Vivir sin aire
Harry Belafonte – Coconut Woman
Juanes – La Camisa Negra
Relaxing Instrumental Jazz Ensemble – Besame Mucho (Tribute To Andrea Bocelli)
La Yanta – Papy No Me Dejes Sola
Jesse & Joy – Chocolate

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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A Raving Pitch - Attack of the Right Brain

Today we're going to introduce the Raving Pitch. What is a Raving Pitch you ask; it is our attempt to sell a really great film or television idea to Hollywood, Bollywood or Vancouver (we're not picky). Every Raving Pitch consists of the following elements:

• A catchy movie title
• Dramatic synopsis
• Genre designation/s
• Recommended cast
• A catchy slogan or line that can be used on the poster art
• One liners for the script
• A mash-up description (e.g. how the idea relates to other better known ideas that someone did approve and produce).  
• 5 really good reasons why someone has to make this movie
• Completely unrelated thoughts that demonstrate our creative volatility and hipness

Today's Raving Pitch is "Attack of the Right Brain."

Genre - Horror/ Sci-Fi

"I'm totally in touch with my feelings"

Dramatic Synopsis - Dr. Roger Bork was just an ordinary guy working in a college bio-weapons lab when he met Lola, the yoga instructor at the local YMCA. Their fiery passion was threatened though by the tension between her Right Brained alternative lifestyle and his Left Brained logic. Fearing he might lose her forever, Roger tracks down Timothy Leary's little known research on how to be hip without really trying and uses his weapons lab to create a super-Right brain. But it all goes horribly wrong as his transcendental harmonic convergence goes on a killing rampage at the campus.

The Peter Lorre of our Generation

Possible Theme Song - "Brains"

Cast - Steve Buscemi as Dr. Bork; J-Lo as Lola; John Goodman as General Drones

Slogan  - "Two Hearts living in one mind, gone mad"

One Liners - "Meditate on this!" , "Take two hundred aspirin and never call me again..."

Mash-Up Description:  It's like "Prometheus" meets "The Women" or "Mac versus PC"

Reasons why the movie should be made:

1. Everyone has brains and most people have both Left and Right brains.
2. Steve Buscemi is an irresistible box office draw and this movie was made for him.
3. Brains are icky, scary and make excellent monsters.
4. Kids love thinking with and about their brains - so it will appeal to the youth market.
5. Our Right brain says we should trust our instincts and share our love with the whole world and our Left Brain has lots of good ideas for product placement.
   

Completely random thought - check this out - it will blow your mind, which part we can't say though.

Hold me closer tiny dancer, and stop switching directions I'm getting really confused !

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Wildfire - A Raving Playlist

We got the inspiration for this playlist several years ago when we were out in Arizona and there was not one but multiple wildfires in the mountains surrounding us. As we watched the helicopters dropping water and fire retardant on the flames we began building our playlist on Napster. Napster has since come and gone and we have updated the list several times to include drought-related themes (from last Summer) and now the list is on Spotify here.

Arizona is on fire a lot, but we still like it

 

Wildfire Playlist:

Kings Of Leon – Sex On Fire
Talking Heads – Burning Down The House
Sting – Be Still My Beating Heart
3 Doors Down – Going Down In Flames
Soundgarden – Black Hole Sun
Elvis Presley – Burning Love
The Trammps – Disco Inferno (single)
Midnight Oil – Beds Are Burning
Billy Joel – We Didn't Start The Fire
Social Distortion – Ring Of Fire
The Black Keys – Just a Little Heat
The Marshall Tucker Band – Fire On The Mountain
Candlebox – Cover Me
Elton John – Candle In The Wind
Sting – Desert Rose
Rick James – Fire And Desire
Candlebox – Sweet Summertime
Kiss – Heaven's On Fire
10,000 Maniacs – A Campfire Song
Sting – Fields Of Gold
Ohio Players – Fire
Madonna – Burning Up
Nirvana – Lake Of Fire
The Gap Band – Burn Rubber On Me (Why You Wanna Hurt Me)
Disturbed – Inside The Fire
The Wailers – Burnin' And Lootin'
Savage Garden – Crash And Burn
10,000 Maniacs – Dust Bowl
Bad Company – Burning Sky
The Police – Invisible Sun - 2003 Stereo Remastered Version
Patti LaBelle – Burnin' (The Fire Is Still) Burnin' For You
Third Eye Blind – Burning Man
Wilson Pickett – In The Midnight Hour
Blue Oyster Cult – Burnin' For You
Linda Ronstadt – Heat Wave
The Allman Brothers Band – The Heat Is On
Bangles – Eternal Flame
Nickelback – Burn It To The Ground
Kings Of Leon – Pyro
The Killers – Mr. Brightside
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Blood Sugar Sex Magik
Van Halen – Hot For Teacher
Deep Purple – Smoke On The Water
Bruce Springsteen – Dry Lightning
Radiohead – Paranoid Android
Foo Fighters – Bridge Burning
Otis Redding – The Match Game
John Mellencamp – Paper In Fire
Linkin Park – Burning In The Skies
Buckcherry – Lit Up
Candlebox – Far Behind
10,000 Maniacs – The Painted Desert
Kings Of Leon – Arizona
Jessie James – Burnin' Bridges
Dido – Burnin Love
Shinedown – Burning Bright
R.E.M. – Shiny Happy People
Franz Ferdinand – This Fire
The Black Keys – Strange Desire
Kings Of Leon – Radioactive
PORNO FOR PYROS – Pets
Sleeping With Sirens – Fire
Santana – Smooth
Billy Idol – Hot In The City - 2001 Digital Remaster
White Zombie – Thunder Kiss '65
David Bowie – Cat People [Putting Out The Fire]
The B-52's – Bushfire
The Cars – Tonight She Comes
The Hollies – Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)
Maná – Rayando el Sol [En vivo]
John Mellencamp – Cherry Bomb
Smash Mouth – Walkin' On The Sun
Enya – Storms In Africa - Remastered 2009
U2 – The Unforgettable Fire
Kansas – Fight Fire With Fire
The Doors – Light My Fire
The Bangles – Eternal Flame
Blind Melon – No Rain
The Black Crowes – Twice As Hard
The Cult – Fire Woman

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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Flight Crash Lands

We went out to the movies last night and witnessed a horrific disaster - there was an uncontrollable dive - then it burst into flames and crashed into the ground. Actually, we're not talking about the plane crash scene - we're talking about the whole movie. "Flight" has to be one of the worst films this season. This is the worst work Robert Zemeckis has done since "Who Framed Roger Rabbit."

Roger Rabbit probably did a better job than Denzel in Flight

 Ground control to Denzel, here's why we are panning this flick:

1. Because the crash should have occurred at the end instead of the beginning; it was fairly anti-climatic the way it worked out.
2. Because having a crotch-close up in the first shot of the movie doesn't lend a lot of credibility to it.
3. Because no human being could drink as much as Denzel's character and live.
4. Because Denzel makes a truly awful and unconvincing drunk. 
5. Because a British actress playing a Southern crack-ho doesn't come off as very convincing.
6. Because movies ought to a have a plot.
7. Because the movie can't decide whether it wants to be Cheech & Chong or Days of Wine and Roses. Talk about sending mixed messages - it's wrong to drink but it's ok to be a super-cool coke head?
8. Because they wasted a lot of talent. Denzel, John Goodman and Don Cheadle (who looked as though he wished he was anywhere else but in this movie).
9. Because it was predictable - we knew exactly what Denzel would do for most of the movie including the big "surprise" confession during the hearing. Know why, because the movie was one giant cliche. 
10. Because an inside look into the porn industry is just one of several bizarre and meaningless redirects tossed into a movie that seems as though it was made up as they went along.
11. Because only playing 3 to 5 seconds of really cool popular songs is annoying and none of that coolness rubs off onto the movie.
12. Because making fun of people on chemo isn't cool.

1,296 bottles of beer on my wall...

We're thinking of suing the airline over our lost $31 dollars. This was a movie that was supposed to be about a heroic pilot but turned out to be about a silly alcoholic. At the very least, Denzel and Bruce Greenwood got a chance to catch up as this might have been their first project together since St. Elsewhere (a real show). Although Bruce and Denzel share 20 minutes on screen and seem to have the rapport of two strangers sitting in a waiting room, so who knows. And what was with the crazy religious co-pilot and his wife shouting praise Jesus - another wacky misdirection which led nowhere. Do yourselves a favor and don't book passage on Flight. Heck even the name of the movie seems to forewarn us that the makers of this dud wouldn't know originality if it fell out of the sky and crashed on top of them.   

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews - All Rights Reserved

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10 Reasons JJ Abrams Should never direct a Star Wars Movie

There are rumors flying about Hollywood this week that Lost creator, JJ Abrams may be hired to direct one or more of the new Star Wars episodes under Disney supervision. We're very concerned about this; in fact we're a bit horrified.

JJ Abrams, the force is not with you

We don't think JJ Abrams should ever direct a Star Wars film and here's why:

# 1 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he created and directed Lost, and we'll never forgive him for the several hours we Lost trying to figure it out. And what was with that Smoke Monster anyway?

Historians, scholars and psychologists have all determined that Lost was really stupid

# 2 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he's named JJ; this is simply not diginified enough to qualify.

The smoke monster, you'll never look at your fireplace the same way again

# 3 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he directed the new Star Trek remake (2010) and filmed most of it in a a beer factory. Warp engines shouldn't look microbrewery vats.

Free samples after every shot, the cast loves beer!

# 4 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: It is illegal, immoral and unethical to mix the Star Wars and Star Trek franchises.

This could result in a holy war

# 5 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because JJ is addicted to lens flaring to avoid creating actual scenes.

Maybe if we can't see the picture we won't figure out it sucks?

# 6 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he is not George Lucas. enough said.

# 7 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: Because he owns too much Disney stock and there will likely be a conflict of interest with him succumbing to pressure to include Disney characters into the episodes.

Merchandising gone wild

# 8 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie: He's just too damn busy. We need someone with a bit more time on their hands - this shouldn't be rushed.

# 9 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie:  Because Cloverfield was almost as stupid as Lost. It seems as it was the smoke monster doing a cameo.

Cloverfield could never compete with the Frankenstorm

# 10 Reason Why JJ Abrams should never direct a Star Wars movie:  Because we're interviewing for the job, put in a good word for us.

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Top 10 Ways to get the Plague - The Tudors

In the Showtime series, The Tudors, one of the things we learn early on is that the plague is an ever present part of Medieval Life. In fact King Henry VIII's son and a close friend both die from what is known as the Sweating Sickness (see the picture below).

A victim in the advance stages of sweating sickness

While doing diligent research on The Tudors for our reviews we came across some little known but potentially valuable medical advice from the mid-1500's that was no doubt employed to keep the plague at bay. This find consists of two top 10 lists; one to avoid the plague in the first place and the second concerns itself with how to cure yourself of plague.

Diagnosing Plague involved rigorous scientific discipline

Top 10 Ways to Avoid the Plague:

1. Never French-kiss a witch (you can try the floating in the bathtub test to determine if she is a witch).
2. Never get too familiar with your familiars - if you have black cats or other demons in familiar form around the house, don't let them in your bed. 
3. Never start, buy or otherwise own a Flea Circus. 
4. Don't listen to Ben when he asks you to let all of his buddies move in with you.
5. Don't lick reptiles even if they taste really, really good.
6. Don't listen to heresy like the Earth is Round - it'll only lead to trouble.
7. Don't eat cooked bacon - it's much better raw.
8. Bleed yourself regularly and for God's sake don't wash the knife. 
9. Bathing, except for witches, is generally frowned upon.
10. Don't have picnics next to mass burial sites.

Contrary to popular belief - Plague was well understood in Medieval Times (not the restaurant show attraction - but the time period)

If those tips didn't prevent the onset of Plague or Sweating Sickness, there was still hope. Here are the Top 10 Medieval Cures for Plague:

1. Burn a witch for good luck.
2. Burn a neighbor good luck (you must accuse them of heresy first).
3. Cover yourself in a poultice of warm cow dung and dance in a circle for 3 hours.
4. If you must take a bath (due to high fever let's say), fill the water with fresh cow urine and dung.
5. Never ever pop the plague postules - let them get as big as possible.
6. Bleed yourself, a lot.
7. Hide under a table or bed - eventually the plague will become confused and leave.
8. Remove your eyes, that way you can't see the plague anymore and it won't be able to see you either.
9. Flog yourself and others nearby.
10. Drink massive amounts of ale and grog if available, and let your milk ferment before drinking.

We love the BBC - and Horrible Histories

Copyright 2012 - Raving Reviews™ - All Rights Reserved

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