We're hurtling into the future at warp speed - ok, maybe not quite that fast but the New Year is coming up pretty soon. It's time for our predictions for things to come next year. Will they come true - who knows, we're not psychic - we just make educated guesses based upon the facts - that's it.
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| Our balls (uh, ball) are (is) bigger than yours... |
Predictions for the New Year:
- Gas companies employees drilling deep wells in Eastern Ohio will plunge to the center of earth and befriend Neanderthals while being chased by alien lizards and dinosaurs.
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| Fracking's number 1 opponent |
- Time will stand still for awhile but few people will notice because they won't have their watches.
- The first Facebook Church will open - it will become it's own religion. Eventually this will lead to a holy war against Twitter.
- Wayne LaPierre and the NRA will call for armed waiters in restaurants, armed attendants in nursing homes, armed referrees at all sporting events, armed moderators on political shows, and arming the entire cast of Glee. The NRA will also create a new cartoon to emphasize to America's youth the importance of shooting first, called Bullet Buddies.
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| Don't know much about history, don't care for Geometry, but give me some bullets and an Uzi... |
- The Walking Dead will visit FX's American Horror Story for a battle of the ghouls non-reality special.
- The new Star Trek movie will feature a cameo by William Shatner as a really big Tribble.
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| This rifle was NRA approved - on star date 2230.3 |
- Congress will movie into negative popularity poll numbers.
- Mitt Romney will come up with several more excuses as to why he lost - none of them involving him.
- We will fall off the Fiscal Cliff, bounce off of the debt ceiling, plunge into the river of deflation, drown in a pool of liquidity and crawl onto the muddy plains of slow recovery after being stimulated through renewed quantitative easing.
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| The first step is a doozy - it gets better though... |
- Zombies will begin running for office as Tea Party candidates - no one will notice.
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| I promise to eat Democrats - A brain in every pot! |
- Lot's of people are planning to have sex - not all of them will be so lucky.
- After going over the Fiscal Cliff, renewed budget cuts will force the government to cut all remaining aid for Mental Health - the government will declare victory however by following this year's precedent on autism and redefine all mental illness thus making 90% of currently crazy persons sane next year. This will lead to more crazy people buying assault rifles and arming the cast of Glee.
- The origin of Dark Matter will be discovered - it will have something to do with peanut butter.
- Kim Kardashian will need to pose naked more often to gain attention.
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| Kim paid a lot for that body - so look at it already - and don't stop |
- Elton John and Madonna will find out that they are the same person.
- Life will be found on Mars. They will be really pissed about how bad the John Carter movie turned out.
music from Mars about Mars
- Birds will sue Bees for sexual harassment.
- PCs and Macs will sign a non-aggression treaty; the peace will be short-lived after Windows 8 claims that it is "hip."
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| The long war between Macs and PCs has often been both ugly and vicious... |
- Scientists will discover the meaning of life - corporate funded 'deniers' will insist they are wrong and encourage more consumer spending.
- George Lucas will change his mind about Star Wars and ask for control of episode 7 when he sees Justin Bieber cast as Luke Skywalker. Disney will try to change the tagline to "The Beliebers are with you."
- Global Warming will get hotter, polar bears will break into homes all across Canada that have central air and / or a pool.
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