Jarheads versus Aliens

Real Aliens don't shoot those wimpy green laser guns - real aliens shoot mega-chain guns man. And the only people who can stop those chain-gun shooting, genocidal alien freaks are the US Marines - Semper Fi !

Battle: Los Angeles is full throttle no nonsense violence with a smattering of plot and modicum of character development added more or less as an afterthought. In this movie, the two main characters are the US Marine Corps and some water-guzzling, technologically inept yet megalomaniac aliens who like big cities.

Did we enjoy it? Sure we did - what's not to like? There was shooting, stuff blowing up, lot's of vehicle explosions, creepy aliens, aliens killing everyone in sight and stoic soldiers nearly single- handedly fighting off invading hordes of predator wanna-bes.

One of our big disappointments though was the obvious lack of reference to the 1942 UFO incident in Los Angeles - witnessed by over a million people. The producers seems to allude to it the following trailer but alas - nothing about it appears in the actual film

For a more detailed history on that incident - check out the following clip:

16,000 shells were fired at something hovering over LA in 1942...

We walked into this film like most other sci-fi alien shooting gallery fests not expecting much realism and we weren't surprised at all in that respect. Basically this movie is pushing the age old premise that a handful of resourceful and really tough humans can beat anything the galaxy can throw at them. In many ways, the film parallels Independence Day expect that there is considerably less story line and considerably more bullets being fired. Perhaps the movie would have benefited by not resembling a recruiting commercial, but you know - whatever - anyone who would join the Marines based upon the opportunity to kill aliens probably wouldn't pass the psych profile anyway.

From the Shores of Tripoli to Santa Monica Pier - Marines kick Butt...

The last time we watched something quite like this was the original Aliens sequel from the late 1980's. Different setting, but similar premise. BTW - don't be surprised by the Avatar pilot who hitched a ride in this movie - she's playing basically the same character with a different name.

Alien movies tend to fall into one of two camps - either they are lovable ewok or ET like cuties or they are foul smelling, oozing and murderous reptile insects. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground at all. You either love them or shoot them. Battle: Los Angeles obviously chose the latter.

Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Outsourced, NBC's Comedy Jackpot

We mentioned Community in one of our earlier reviews as one of NBC's funniest comedies on the air. While our hearts still remain true to it, Outsourced, an NBC comedy whose premise is that an American company outsourced an entire call center to India and the manager is sent along with it to train his eventual replacement. The studio was hesitant at first, believing that it may offend the Indian community but after successful debut, they gave it a full season of production.

The fascinating array of cultural jokes and gimmicks mixes well with the brilliant cast members. You'll always find yourself laughing at this. While the idea of outsourcing jobs to India may not sit well with many Americans, this pokes fun at it and even does a good job of making it funny.

It might not be everyone's cup of tea, but its definitely worth the watch.

One of Mid-American Novelties more interesting employees, Gupta.

Madhuri, a rather... quiet employee.

Be on the lookout for more reviews!

BTW - the geniuses at NBC have relegated this show to the slot of the living dead, it is soon to be canceled. Perhaps we should outsource them?


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Zombies are People too...

Not everyone knows they are a Zombie and hey is it really their fault that they go around looking the way they do, behaving the way they do - eating other people and wrecking civilization? What about the Zombie perspective? Well, thankfully there is a movie that tells their side of the story - a movie that finally answers the question - what's it like to be a Zombie. The movie, originally titled "Wasting Away" is now called "Ahh Zombie." We're not sure whether we like either of the titles for this 2007 cult film, but we certainly love the movie.

So, this all begs the question - why are Zombies so freaking popular - why do so many people love watching Zombie movies? Is it our dread fascination with life after death, it is our realization that we all pass through life utterly oblivious and only concerned about satisfying our need to spend money and gain weight? These and many other deep questions are completely ignored in the movie, "ahh Zombie." What we do get treated to is a genre-busting premise that allows us to parody the entire Zombie pop-culture trend while laughing our heads off (not literally of course even though something similar does happen to the lead character in the film).

We suppose that the deeper philosophical question embedded within the plot is fairly profound - we are not always who we think we are and we tend to see ourselves as something we'd like to be but likely never will be. In this sense the Zombies in this story are just like us - coming to grips with reality and making the best of it. In the end, there's no cure but the movie does give us a bizarre vision of Zombie utopia.

We all tend to see ourselves as slightly different than we are...

Ahh Zombie is destined for Cult film immortalization - which seems appropriate given it is a movie about the undead. It proves that just when you think a genre has run out of just about every creative variation possible - a whole new spin can breath new life into it (pun intended).

Zombies are everywhere - Zombies are cool - Zombies invented Facebook

Ahh Zombies is by no means the only innovative Zombie action flick to come out of Hollywood recently. Woody Harrelson and that Facebook kid made a big splash last year with ZombieLand. At the same time the AMC network has launched a clever new show giving us tips on how to survive the coming Zombie Apocalypse. We will be reviewing both of those here on Raving Reviews in the coming weeks.

Well, we couldn't resist including the best song ever written about Zombies - we're pretty sure Zombies wrote, directed and produced this music video too..

To finish up today we will treat you with some of the best Zombie quotes we could find:

• "Zombies almost had my ass for dinner!" Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004)
• "Bill, just because your father tried to eat you, does that mean we all have to be unhappy? Forever?" Fido (2006)
• "Who died and made you f**king king of the zombies?" Shaun of the Dead (2004)
• "Zombies don't read. They ain't hooked on phonics. So give it a rest." All Guts, No Glory (2005)
• "The first rule of Zombieland: Cardio. When the zombie outbreak first hit, the first to go, for obvious reasons... were the fatties." Zombieland (2009)
• "Against an army of zombies, no armies could stand. Why, even blown half to bits - undaunted by fire and gas - zombies would fight on so long as the brain cells which
  receive and execute commands still remain intact." Revenge of the Zombies (1943)

Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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Why is Charlie Sheen so Crazy?

It's hard to lampoon someone who has gone to such lengths to humiliate themselves. This has become the year of Hollywood Celebrity meltdowns; Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and now most spectacularly - Charlie Sheen.

We find it odd and disturbing when people we used to like go crazy, especially in situations where you'd think all would be well considering their career success and the lifestyles they enjoy. Americans enjoy the illusion of Hollywood success, perhaps because life is getting so much harder for the rest of us.

Charlie Sheen is both a drug and a weapon of mass destruction...

We will let you determine the extent of King Charlie's madness by sharing with just a small handful of his recent quotes:

• "Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh."
• "Duh! So, we're asking you now, what are some of your favorite lines that this warlock brain produced?"
• "For now, I'm just going to hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here, but I sure like the view."
• "Here's the good news. If I realize that I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane."
• "From my big beautiful warlock brain, welcome to 'Sheen's Korner' ... You're either in my corner, or you're with the trolls."
• "I don't have time for their judgement and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, 'I can't process it' well, no, you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?"
• "I have a different constitution. I have a different brain; I have a different heart; I got tiger blood, man."
• "I have to tell them that last night was a shameful train wreck filled with blind cuddly puppies."
• "I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."
• "I'm dealing with fools and trolls and soft targets. It's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee. I don't have time for these clowns."
• "Slash sat me down at his house and said, You've got to clean up your act. You know you've gone too far when Slash is saying, Look, you've got to get into rehab."

So he is obviously crazy - but that begs the question once more - why is he crazy. Many people claim it is drugs, others booze, others contend it is a combination of sibling parental rivalries and some believe it is because his family moved from Dayton, Ohio to Hollywood. We however have another theory - we think Charlie Sheen is living a dual life as actor and Middle Eastern potentate. We think Charlie Sheen is in fact, Muammar Gaddafi.

Charlie Sheen gets animated, literally...

We came to this conclusion after noticing strange similarities between Muammar Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen, including

• They both possess Tiger Blood.
• Both are surrounded by goddess bodyguards.
• Both are universally loved.
• Both are excellent public speakers.
• Both are moderately entertaining.
• Both seem to be stuck in the 1980's ("Reagan bombed my gnarly tent").
• Both are fond of oil.
• The gradual transformation of Charlies facial features into those seen on the 70 year old Gaddafi.

Some believe that Muammar Gaddafi & Charlie Sheen are in fact the same person

This theory explains a lot. Next up - Why is Randy Quaid is so crazy.


Copyright 2011, Raving Reviews™

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The (Needs Lots of) Adjustment Bureau

Fedoras... they have them.

We'd like to apologize for the lack of reviews recently, but here at Raving Reviews HQ we've been busy with plenty of exciting projects! That aside, let's get to the matter at hand...

Official Trailer

When I first saw the trailer for "The Adjustment Bureau" in the theater awhile back my first reaction was a rush of excitement to see an Inception-esque movie coming out. The sight of several fedora-clad 1940's looking "fate" agents adjusting the life of David Norris (Matt Damon), a NY politician was fascinating to me. It's based on a short story by the renowned sci-fi author Philip K. Dick (Blade Runner, Minority Report, A Scanner Darkly) and quite frankly, my expectations were set unusually high. 


They were crushed. 


I rarely get tired, or feel like falling asleep during a movie... but TAB (Which I'll be referring to the movie as for the rest of this review) really took the cake. It was far more boring than I could have ever anticipated. The opening sequence introducing his political campaign was too long and uninteresting. While the acting was good (including the chemistry between Damon and Blunt) and the chase scenes were... alright the rest of it just really failed to entertain.


The fedoras that the agents wore were ruined too, used as a plot device to open doors in a seemingly random order... I wonder why they didn't figure out that fedoras are cool all by themselves (look at Indie Jones). But that aside, the director was definitely trying to achieve the Inception theme but didn't go in deep enough. It was mentioned when the movie was released that it was to be "light" sci-fi. This was a feather in comparison to other "light" sci-fi movies.

The true Hat Squad (that looks frighteningly similar to the Agents in the film)

The movie ends rather disappointingly... and the decision of Norris' fate is telegraphed in nearly the middle of the film. Yawn. I won't give it away in case you actually want to see the film (god help you)


While the movie didn't totally bomb at the box office, it was below the already low expectations set by the studio. This is the second movie that Matt Damon decided to star in that didn't fair well at the box office... something tells me he should fire his agent (or at least, get his life adjusted).


Final Verdict: The Adjustment Bureau started out as a fascinating idea, but was poorly executed as a "light" sci-fi movie (more like a Romantic-Thriller). While the question of Free Will vs. Control is discussed in the movie, the "lighter" version seems to crop up more often than a deeper analysis. 


I certainly hope that the upcoming movies "Battle: Los Angeles" and "Super 8" can drag me out of this godforsaken "light" sci-fi wallow I'm in right now. It's bad enough that SyFy is still spewing out buckets of its own brand of sci-fi... but now that its spreading... ugh... I'm outta here, be on the lookout for more reviews soon.


-J. Michael

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Joining the "Community"

It was a dull Thursday evening in the summer of '10, and I was flipping the channels late at night when I suddenly came across an interesting show on NBC. DirectTV said it was something called Community, about a lawyer who has to go back to college... Community College that is. We breeze through a very "Breakfeast Club" like pilot that brings together the study group (of main actors) which includes Jeff Winger (Joel McHale), the cool lawyer (who has his state bar license revoked at the series, Britta Perry (Gillian Jacobs) a young, very straightforward woman who seems to be the most knowledgeable on issues affecting the world today. Abed Nadir (Danny Pudi) is a Palestinian student with a very bizarre personality, often referencing pop culture in quite nearly every situation and blurring the lines between TV shows, movies, and reality. Shirley Bennett (Yvette Nicole Brown) is a single mother who is recently divorced, and the most religious member of the group. Annie Edison (Alison Brie) is a young recent high school dropout due to a bizarre psychological breakdown, though she is normally quite calm, cheerful, and the most responsible member of the group. Troy Barnes (Donald Glover) is the jock of the group, and was a football star at the high school he attended before being forced to drop out, and losing his football scholarship. Then there's Pierce Hawthorne (Chevy Chase) and Ben Chang (Ken Jeong), the first being a moist towelette tycoon and the latter being the somewhat insane Spanish teacher.

The first season focuses primarily on the various trials and tribulations of the self proclaimed "Spanish" study group, from introductions to the different classes that the group is taking (such as Spanish 101 with Senor Chang, or Anthropology 101) or some of the strange or bizarre projects that the members have been assigned, or taken upon themselves to do.

The best part of season one is the large amount of pure laugh out loud moments that are captured at least once or twice in each episode. Especially at the very end of the episode, when they have one or two minute "mini-sodes" usually involving Troy and Abed. Speaking of which, here are a few season one Community clips for your enjoyment!

Now we know why Senor Chang teaches Spanish... right?

An amusing little remix of several Senor Chang moments from Season One.

Troy and Abed's most famous rap.

For endless bliss, hit the left arrow on your keyboard over and over once the video ends.

Be on the lookout for another review coming soon from me, possibly on NBC's other hit show, Outsourced!

Copyright 2011, J. Michael

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Bond 23 Exclusive - The Hunt for Rogue November

We had planned on dedicating an entire post to Nicolas Cage's hair, but we decided to wait until we saw his new release, Season of the Witch (the latest attempt to pay his back taxes). We're not sure who exactly plays the witch, but the crusader backdrop to the movie looks somewhat intriguing.

Warning - spoilers ahead...

The other reason we've delayed our critical analysis of Nick Cage's hair is that we've gotten our hands on a treasure trove of exclusive information on the new James Bond film. Bond 23 as it was titled previously, had suspended production last year when MGM went bankrupt. The movie is now finally gearing up again and looks to be ready for a release sometime in 2012. The timing of the release must have played a major role in the new direction the movie is taking.

The Bond 23 production now has a tentative title - "The Hunt for Rogue November."

Plot Synopsis - The premise is this; in a fiercely contested presidential race, MILF candidate Sarah Palin is targeted by an insanely jealous former lover and Russian leader (Vladamir Putin) who attempts to kidnap her and hold her for ransom in his Siberian love-nest. The fiesty former half-governor who doesn't trust Obama's hand-chosen security detail led by Felix Leiter looks to England for a conservative bodyguard she can really trust - who turns out to be Margaret Thatcher's and Prince Charles' little known love-child, James Bond.

At first the two don't get along at all, as London Calling clashes with Wild Alaska - the sparks fly, but soon those sparks become glowing embers of passion. It is an action-packed thriller where the lady being guarded has bigger guns than her protector and James finds himself torn between Queen, Country and the lady in red who has stolen his heart. The Villains in this film will stop at nothing to remove her from the political equation as we are transported to exotic locales like Kenya, Hawaii and Indonesia. The evil Doctora Ariana Huffington makes her premier appearance as she conspires with Putin to trash Palin's Facebook page.

Photo Credit - J. Michael: When it's cold they get hot...

Alternative Titles - There were a number of options for the working title; some that we're seriously considered but rejected include:

• "Ice Melts when it's Hot."
• "Bear on the Horizon."
• "Dancing with the Czars."
• "Fully Automatic & Lovely"
• "The MILF Who Loved Me."
• "A View to Russia (from my porch)."
• "Muckraker."
• "You can Only Serve 2 Terms."

Scene Stealing Quotes - We also got a hold of the script and can share with you some of the best lines from the movie. Here they are:

Palin on Putin:

• "James, he doesn't take NYET for an answer."
• In a scene where someone asks whether Putin would go so far as to commit his nuclear forces to get his way - "He certainly knew how to push my buttons."
• "Detente is a four letter word, right?"
• "He's one Polar Bear who doesn't give a shit about Global Warming."

Putin on Palin:

• "She is my Wild Alaska."
• "She put the 'stroik' in Perestroika."
• "If I cannot have her, the American Public certainly will not."
• "She is the Arctic fox to my Russian bear."
• "We will Putin her on ice."
• "I love a woman in red."
  

Palin to Bond:

• "You're serious, I always thought Thatcher was a man?" when confronted with the secret about James' heritage.
  
• "You'll always be my top gun, Maverick."
• "I AM your Witch, baby."
• "Can you take out Katy, I mean what use is that stupid license if you never use it?"
• "When I said all night, I meant 6 months, this is Alaska."
• "Let's have a Tea Party at my place."
• "I may be a half governor, but I'm a whole woman."
  

Bond to Palin:

• "I like my Tea hot, steamy and full of sugar."
• "You remind a lot of mum, except for the glasses."
• "Tweet me if you want to live."
• "We fired Q and now shop entirely at the Sharper Image."
• "I don't understand Hockey, but I love to puck."
  

Evil Villain Quotes:

• Dr. Ariana: "We will stop her from testing cosmetics on farm animals for good."
• Obama: "Sarah and Vladamir deserve each other, I'm just the matchmaker."
• Felix: "Oprah made me do it."
• Pelosi: "Damn her hair!"
• Putin: "Siberia is for Lovers."
• Obama: "ObamaCare, hah, Obama don't care."
  

Gratuitous gloating after the Demise of various Generic Henchmen:

• "He had a bad hair day." Palin upon seeing a henchman losing the top of his head in an elaborate saw trap originally meant for James.
  
• "It's more fun when they can't shoot back." Palin comparing shooting moose & bad guys.
  
• "I think he just dropped in the polls." Bond after a henchman plummets from a rugged Alaskan peak.
  
• "He had a Lead Deficit" Bond after shooting a henchman about 20 times.
  
• "That was an electrifying speech." Bond after tossing a microphone with an exposed wire to a henchman standing next to a podium in a puddle of water.
  
• "Drill, Baby Drill" - Palin after a Henchman falls down an oil well.
• "Now, that's a Death Panel." - Bond after being chased in a hospital by henchmen disguised as health care workers, uses faulty Medicaid equipment to blow up five of them in a conference room.
• "Filibuster this!" Sarah punches her way out of a Senate subcommittee filled with henchmen disguised as Congressional Aides.
  

We are close to obtaining an exclusive video with actual scenes from the movie - which you will only see here. Stayed Tuned...


Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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The Top 6 Star Trek Fan Videos

Hey there, Mike again with a new type of post here at Raving Reviews. Today we'll be looking at six fantastically (and some of them, how hilariously) made Star Trek fan videos that we at Raving Reviews have found. So without further ado, I give you our first video, the most popular fan tribute to the show in existence.

• Star Trek: 40th Anniversary Fan Tribute by ENTERPRISE-NX01- The video uses a orchestral piece performed in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and uses footage from every series and quite nearly every movie in the franchise excluding the recent reboot.

A wonderful, orchestral tribute to the show that flows beautifully.

• Captain Kirk's Court Martial By TheBadPandaVideoBlog - An interesting collection of almost every "redshirt" death in the original Star Trek series. To a cheery soundtrack as well!

"Are you casting me... in the role of the devil?" -Captain Kirk

• Star Trek: Confusion by College Humor- A completely confused parody that's not far off from the actual movie, enjoy the random nerdbabble.

Due to technical difficulties, you'll have to view it through this link, sorry!


Ewoks, Excalibur, Stormtroopers? This is all far too confusing for me...

• Star Trek: How It Should Have Ended by HISHE- Our curious friends over at HISHE have struck gold with this great "alternate ending" to the new Star Trek movie, take a look!

Lens flare generators... can't get enough of 'em.

• Star Trek: DS9 Crew Views Star Trek XI Trailer by GeneralGrin- Okay, so this funny edit of a DS9 scene may rip the new movie a little, but seeing as its "Grin" material, and we didn't like the movie as much as others, we enjoyed it!

Apparently Captain Picard wasn't too happy with the new Star Trek movie...

• TNG Recut #3-Mr. Woof by GeneralGrin- The General has posted quite a few of this short edits of TNG episodes, we thought you might enjoy this one.

Pressing the wrong buttons can have dangerous results...

• Hitler Reacts to the new Star Trek Movie by Ottervomit- Yes yes... another Downfall parody, and we know it jeers at the new movie, but its funny, just watch it (but beware, as with most of the Downfall parodies, there may be some language inappropriate for the kiddies)

My next post is going to be on the first season of NBC's hit show Community!

Copyright 2010, Michael J.

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Centurion Mugs Gladiator, Film at 11

Our holiday was quite enjoyable - even more so considering that one of our presents was a new Netflix subscription. Now we've still got our DirectTV subscription but we finally have true Video on Demand - after only twenty five years of waiting !

We celebrated this remarkable and earth-shattering event by watching several newer releases last night including last year's Centurion. We must admit that one of the reasons we chose it was due to the action-packed trailer which reminded us a bit of the first sequence in 1999's Gladiator with Russell "I'm not Mel Gibson" Crowe.

The best position for receiving an ambush is to
stay right in the middle of a sunken road

Little did we know how far those similarities would extend. Calling this movie a rip off isn't fair to most rip-offs, it was almost a clone. Let's examine this movie's genetic structure and compare it to Gladiator:

• Both films begin in the cold barbarian north with a Roman Legion.
• Both films have a young-looking bearded general.
• Both films sport a fireball attack.
  
• Both films have a gladiator in it.
• Both films involve a roman being captured.
• Both films have token ethnic slaves / soldiers.
• Both films have lot's of head smashing and head severing.

Now there are some important differences, including:

• The tongueless she devil tracker babe in Centurion.
• The father-son bonding issues in Gladiator.
• The cross-country Braveheart style Highland running in Centurion.
• Actual gladiatorial combat in Gladiator (as opposed to arm-wrestling in Centurion).
• A Scottish Witch (if you don't count Maximus' scar-faced assistant).
• The Butch & Sundance ripoff cliff-dive in Centurion.
• The 300-esque computer animated blood splashes in Centurion.
  

In fact, the romans and pagans battling in Centurion seemed so eager to bleed that the red stuff was spewing a split second before they were cut, slashed, gouged, skewered (and yes some folks got skewered) and hacked. It was a bloody mess, literally but then so was the script, the premise, the outcome and all of the characters and their lame acting. The bleeders and decapitated corpses provided the most convincing performances. After you're done with this one you'll be looking for a transfusion and making sure never to travel to Northern England (which appears much like the North Pole in this flik).

Are you not entertained ?, We'll no, not really, we're not
- but the metal middle finger is a nice touch.

Yes, we know we said we were going to do a worst hairstyles in Hollywood post, but in our extensive research we've realized that one actor, Nicolas Cage, owns nearly half of the sum total of Hollywood bad hair. So our bad hair post will be dedicated to a man whose taste knows no bounds (a better premise for the movie Knowing than the one in that awful film).

Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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Top 10 Movies of 2010 We Wish We Hadn't Seen

We're not sure if these are the absolute worst movies of the year, but they do represent the worst ones we had to suffer through personally. When it gets closer to Oscar time we will do some more research and provide a more accurate Worst of 2010 list. But for now - here's the losers from last year...

• The Book of Eli - We watched this on a flight, we can't be sure if it was the altitude or the awful airline food but we got nauseous during this one. The plot was as bizarre as it was simplistic (basically it all revolved around one punchline), the acting was post apocalyptic, the scenery was dreary and depressing. All in all this movie had little going for it. Denzel Washington also seemed hopelessly miscast and out of place in his lead role. This movie rated a big "Yuk" (and not a funny yuk either).

• Extraordinary Measures - Harrison Ford proved definitively with this movie that he can play a complete jerk with zero redeeming qualities. The story was supposed to inspire us we guess, but we're not quite sure because by the halfway mark we just wanted to throw Indiana Jones into the snakepit.

• Edge of Darkness - OK, we admit we didn't actually watch this one, but it was a movie about Mel Gibson acting crazy and mean and we already saw his antics on Youtube and other places so we figured how different can it be? Just say no to Mad Mel...

• Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief - We suppose there is some value seeing Pierce Brosnan CG'd on top of a horse's ass, but beyond that this movie was fairly tedious. Granted it was supposed to be a kid's film but it just didn't have any magic to it even with the over the top special effects.
  

• The City of Your Final Destination - One good rule of thumb about movies might be that if you find the title incomprehensible it is likely that the movie may follow suit - that certainly turned out to be the case with this ridiculous Merchant Ivory flick. Luckily we caught this on DirectTV instead of the theater and saved ourselves about twenty bucks. By the end of the movie we didn't know what had happened and we didn't really care either.

• Boogie Woogie - Another rule of thumb about movie prediction is if the movie title just sounds stupid, the movie is likely to be stupid. This movie conclusively proves the point - there basically is no plot and what does appear on the screen is disjointed and mainly unpleasant. We're treated to the worst English accent in the history of Cinema from Gillian Anderson (where's Mulder when you need him), the worst gift idea ever (we cannot even begin to describe it), and the worst whining, suicidal gay rant ever. Oh, let's not forget the many knowing glances and evil hearty laughter between the rich sinister art dealers and collectors. Film as modern art is a bit hard to take - but then again so is any modern art.
  

• Robin Hood - This was without a doubt our biggest disappointment of the year; Ridley Scott, Russell Crowe and the easiest story ever - and they blew it. Seriously, how can you screw up Robin Hood? Well, if you really want to know watch this version.

• Prince of Persia - For the second worst English accent ever, check out Jake Gyllenhaal's performance in the video game inspired, insipid and downright stupid PoP. Did we say we didn't like this movie? OK, first of all why the hell do people living in ancient Persia need to speak with pompous British accents (and doing it in such a way as to insult pompous Brits everywhere)? Second, didn't they know how to shave back then and if they did were they using the Don Johnson razor stubble specials that Jake seemed to have found? And what is with the hair? Did anyone in ancient Persia go around looking that stupid? You may think we're ignoring the plot here - well, guess what there wasn't one so we're justified in focusing on the parts of the movie which will scar us forever.
  

• Knight & Day - This one should have been titled, Botox & Facelift. Are we the only ones who have noticed that Tom Cruise & Cameron Diaz seem to be unable to accept how old they are? This movie was a sad attempt to recapture lost youth and like all such attempts ends up embarrassing the folks searching for their lost youth and making the audience feel unconformable. The script is preposterous and dull at the same time (a remarkable feat) and the action scenes were all off. It's time for these two to embrace middle age.
  

• The Expendables - If ever there were an award for accuracy in movie titles - this movie would win it hands down. The whole movie is expendable, the plot is expendable, the characters are both reprehensible and expendable, the action is expendable - it was truly awful on a scale that defies description. In a previous post we noted how mental ward escapee Dolph Lungreen nearly killed Stallone while filming this monstrosity - why oh why couldn't he have killed the whole movie? If criminal penalties could be assessed to people who produce bad cinema everyone involved with this movie would be behind bars.
  

Stallone assaults his on crew during the filming of the Expendables before assaulting the American Public with one of the worst films of the year...

Our next post will be dedicated a more serious topic, to the Worst Hollywood / Celebrity hairstyles of all time...


Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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