Bond 23 Exclusive - The Hunt for Rogue November

We had planned on dedicating an entire post to Nicolas Cage's hair, but we decided to wait until we saw his new release, Season of the Witch (the latest attempt to pay his back taxes). We're not sure who exactly plays the witch, but the crusader backdrop to the movie looks somewhat intriguing.

Warning - spoilers ahead...

The other reason we've delayed our critical analysis of Nick Cage's hair is that we've gotten our hands on a treasure trove of exclusive information on the new James Bond film. Bond 23 as it was titled previously, had suspended production last year when MGM went bankrupt. The movie is now finally gearing up again and looks to be ready for a release sometime in 2012. The timing of the release must have played a major role in the new direction the movie is taking.

The Bond 23 production now has a tentative title - "The Hunt for Rogue November."

Plot Synopsis - The premise is this; in a fiercely contested presidential race, MILF candidate Sarah Palin is targeted by an insanely jealous former lover and Russian leader (Vladamir Putin) who attempts to kidnap her and hold her for ransom in his Siberian love-nest. The fiesty former half-governor who doesn't trust Obama's hand-chosen security detail led by Felix Leiter looks to England for a conservative bodyguard she can really trust - who turns out to be Margaret Thatcher's and Prince Charles' little known love-child, James Bond.

At first the two don't get along at all, as London Calling clashes with Wild Alaska - the sparks fly, but soon those sparks become glowing embers of passion. It is an action-packed thriller where the lady being guarded has bigger guns than her protector and James finds himself torn between Queen, Country and the lady in red who has stolen his heart. The Villains in this film will stop at nothing to remove her from the political equation as we are transported to exotic locales like Kenya, Hawaii and Indonesia. The evil Doctora Ariana Huffington makes her premier appearance as she conspires with Putin to trash Palin's Facebook page.

Photo Credit - J. Michael: When it's cold they get hot...

Alternative Titles - There were a number of options for the working title; some that we're seriously considered but rejected include:

• "Ice Melts when it's Hot."
• "Bear on the Horizon."
• "Dancing with the Czars."
• "Fully Automatic & Lovely"
• "The MILF Who Loved Me."
• "A View to Russia (from my porch)."
• "Muckraker."
• "You can Only Serve 2 Terms."

Scene Stealing Quotes - We also got a hold of the script and can share with you some of the best lines from the movie. Here they are:

Palin on Putin:

• "James, he doesn't take NYET for an answer."
• In a scene where someone asks whether Putin would go so far as to commit his nuclear forces to get his way - "He certainly knew how to push my buttons."
• "Detente is a four letter word, right?"
• "He's one Polar Bear who doesn't give a shit about Global Warming."

Putin on Palin:

• "She is my Wild Alaska."
• "She put the 'stroik' in Perestroika."
• "If I cannot have her, the American Public certainly will not."
• "She is the Arctic fox to my Russian bear."
• "We will Putin her on ice."
• "I love a woman in red."
  

Palin to Bond:

• "You're serious, I always thought Thatcher was a man?" when confronted with the secret about James' heritage.
  
• "You'll always be my top gun, Maverick."
• "I AM your Witch, baby."
• "Can you take out Katy, I mean what use is that stupid license if you never use it?"
• "When I said all night, I meant 6 months, this is Alaska."
• "Let's have a Tea Party at my place."
• "I may be a half governor, but I'm a whole woman."
  

Bond to Palin:

• "I like my Tea hot, steamy and full of sugar."
• "You remind a lot of mum, except for the glasses."
• "Tweet me if you want to live."
• "We fired Q and now shop entirely at the Sharper Image."
• "I don't understand Hockey, but I love to puck."
  

Evil Villain Quotes:

• Dr. Ariana: "We will stop her from testing cosmetics on farm animals for good."
• Obama: "Sarah and Vladamir deserve each other, I'm just the matchmaker."
• Felix: "Oprah made me do it."
• Pelosi: "Damn her hair!"
• Putin: "Siberia is for Lovers."
• Obama: "ObamaCare, hah, Obama don't care."
  

Gratuitous gloating after the Demise of various Generic Henchmen:

• "He had a bad hair day." Palin upon seeing a henchman losing the top of his head in an elaborate saw trap originally meant for James.
  
• "It's more fun when they can't shoot back." Palin comparing shooting moose & bad guys.
  
• "I think he just dropped in the polls." Bond after a henchman plummets from a rugged Alaskan peak.
  
• "He had a Lead Deficit" Bond after shooting a henchman about 20 times.
  
• "That was an electrifying speech." Bond after tossing a microphone with an exposed wire to a henchman standing next to a podium in a puddle of water.
  
• "Drill, Baby Drill" - Palin after a Henchman falls down an oil well.
• "Now, that's a Death Panel." - Bond after being chased in a hospital by henchmen disguised as health care workers, uses faulty Medicaid equipment to blow up five of them in a conference room.
• "Filibuster this!" Sarah punches her way out of a Senate subcommittee filled with henchmen disguised as Congressional Aides.
  

We are close to obtaining an exclusive video with actual scenes from the movie - which you will only see here. Stayed Tuned...


Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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The Top 6 Star Trek Fan Videos

Hey there, Mike again with a new type of post here at Raving Reviews. Today we'll be looking at six fantastically (and some of them, how hilariously) made Star Trek fan videos that we at Raving Reviews have found. So without further ado, I give you our first video, the most popular fan tribute to the show in existence.

• Star Trek: 40th Anniversary Fan Tribute by ENTERPRISE-NX01- The video uses a orchestral piece performed in an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation and uses footage from every series and quite nearly every movie in the franchise excluding the recent reboot.

A wonderful, orchestral tribute to the show that flows beautifully.

• Captain Kirk's Court Martial By TheBadPandaVideoBlog - An interesting collection of almost every "redshirt" death in the original Star Trek series. To a cheery soundtrack as well!

"Are you casting me... in the role of the devil?" -Captain Kirk

• Star Trek: Confusion by College Humor- A completely confused parody that's not far off from the actual movie, enjoy the random nerdbabble.

Due to technical difficulties, you'll have to view it through this link, sorry!


Ewoks, Excalibur, Stormtroopers? This is all far too confusing for me...

• Star Trek: How It Should Have Ended by HISHE- Our curious friends over at HISHE have struck gold with this great "alternate ending" to the new Star Trek movie, take a look!

Lens flare generators... can't get enough of 'em.

• Star Trek: DS9 Crew Views Star Trek XI Trailer by GeneralGrin- Okay, so this funny edit of a DS9 scene may rip the new movie a little, but seeing as its "Grin" material, and we didn't like the movie as much as others, we enjoyed it!

Apparently Captain Picard wasn't too happy with the new Star Trek movie...

• TNG Recut #3-Mr. Woof by GeneralGrin- The General has posted quite a few of this short edits of TNG episodes, we thought you might enjoy this one.

Pressing the wrong buttons can have dangerous results...

• Hitler Reacts to the new Star Trek Movie by Ottervomit- Yes yes... another Downfall parody, and we know it jeers at the new movie, but its funny, just watch it (but beware, as with most of the Downfall parodies, there may be some language inappropriate for the kiddies)

My next post is going to be on the first season of NBC's hit show Community!

Copyright 2010, Michael J.

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Centurion Mugs Gladiator, Film at 11

Our holiday was quite enjoyable - even more so considering that one of our presents was a new Netflix subscription. Now we've still got our DirectTV subscription but we finally have true Video on Demand - after only twenty five years of waiting !

We celebrated this remarkable and earth-shattering event by watching several newer releases last night including last year's Centurion. We must admit that one of the reasons we chose it was due to the action-packed trailer which reminded us a bit of the first sequence in 1999's Gladiator with Russell "I'm not Mel Gibson" Crowe.

The best position for receiving an ambush is to
stay right in the middle of a sunken road

Little did we know how far those similarities would extend. Calling this movie a rip off isn't fair to most rip-offs, it was almost a clone. Let's examine this movie's genetic structure and compare it to Gladiator:

• Both films begin in the cold barbarian north with a Roman Legion.
• Both films have a young-looking bearded general.
• Both films sport a fireball attack.
  
• Both films have a gladiator in it.
• Both films involve a roman being captured.
• Both films have token ethnic slaves / soldiers.
• Both films have lot's of head smashing and head severing.

Now there are some important differences, including:

• The tongueless she devil tracker babe in Centurion.
• The father-son bonding issues in Gladiator.
• The cross-country Braveheart style Highland running in Centurion.
• Actual gladiatorial combat in Gladiator (as opposed to arm-wrestling in Centurion).
• A Scottish Witch (if you don't count Maximus' scar-faced assistant).
• The Butch & Sundance ripoff cliff-dive in Centurion.
• The 300-esque computer animated blood splashes in Centurion.
  

In fact, the romans and pagans battling in Centurion seemed so eager to bleed that the red stuff was spewing a split second before they were cut, slashed, gouged, skewered (and yes some folks got skewered) and hacked. It was a bloody mess, literally but then so was the script, the premise, the outcome and all of the characters and their lame acting. The bleeders and decapitated corpses provided the most convincing performances. After you're done with this one you'll be looking for a transfusion and making sure never to travel to Northern England (which appears much like the North Pole in this flik).

Are you not entertained ?, We'll no, not really, we're not
- but the metal middle finger is a nice touch.

Yes, we know we said we were going to do a worst hairstyles in Hollywood post, but in our extensive research we've realized that one actor, Nicolas Cage, owns nearly half of the sum total of Hollywood bad hair. So our bad hair post will be dedicated to a man whose taste knows no bounds (a better premise for the movie Knowing than the one in that awful film).

Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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Top 10 Movies of 2010 We Wish We Hadn't Seen

We're not sure if these are the absolute worst movies of the year, but they do represent the worst ones we had to suffer through personally. When it gets closer to Oscar time we will do some more research and provide a more accurate Worst of 2010 list. But for now - here's the losers from last year...

• The Book of Eli - We watched this on a flight, we can't be sure if it was the altitude or the awful airline food but we got nauseous during this one. The plot was as bizarre as it was simplistic (basically it all revolved around one punchline), the acting was post apocalyptic, the scenery was dreary and depressing. All in all this movie had little going for it. Denzel Washington also seemed hopelessly miscast and out of place in his lead role. This movie rated a big "Yuk" (and not a funny yuk either).

• Extraordinary Measures - Harrison Ford proved definitively with this movie that he can play a complete jerk with zero redeeming qualities. The story was supposed to inspire us we guess, but we're not quite sure because by the halfway mark we just wanted to throw Indiana Jones into the snakepit.

• Edge of Darkness - OK, we admit we didn't actually watch this one, but it was a movie about Mel Gibson acting crazy and mean and we already saw his antics on Youtube and other places so we figured how different can it be? Just say no to Mad Mel...

• Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief - We suppose there is some value seeing Pierce Brosnan CG'd on top of a horse's ass, but beyond that this movie was fairly tedious. Granted it was supposed to be a kid's film but it just didn't have any magic to it even with the over the top special effects.
  

• The City of Your Final Destination - One good rule of thumb about movies might be that if you find the title incomprehensible it is likely that the movie may follow suit - that certainly turned out to be the case with this ridiculous Merchant Ivory flick. Luckily we caught this on DirectTV instead of the theater and saved ourselves about twenty bucks. By the end of the movie we didn't know what had happened and we didn't really care either.

• Boogie Woogie - Another rule of thumb about movie prediction is if the movie title just sounds stupid, the movie is likely to be stupid. This movie conclusively proves the point - there basically is no plot and what does appear on the screen is disjointed and mainly unpleasant. We're treated to the worst English accent in the history of Cinema from Gillian Anderson (where's Mulder when you need him), the worst gift idea ever (we cannot even begin to describe it), and the worst whining, suicidal gay rant ever. Oh, let's not forget the many knowing glances and evil hearty laughter between the rich sinister art dealers and collectors. Film as modern art is a bit hard to take - but then again so is any modern art.
  

• Robin Hood - This was without a doubt our biggest disappointment of the year; Ridley Scott, Russell Crowe and the easiest story ever - and they blew it. Seriously, how can you screw up Robin Hood? Well, if you really want to know watch this version.

• Prince of Persia - For the second worst English accent ever, check out Jake Gyllenhaal's performance in the video game inspired, insipid and downright stupid PoP. Did we say we didn't like this movie? OK, first of all why the hell do people living in ancient Persia need to speak with pompous British accents (and doing it in such a way as to insult pompous Brits everywhere)? Second, didn't they know how to shave back then and if they did were they using the Don Johnson razor stubble specials that Jake seemed to have found? And what is with the hair? Did anyone in ancient Persia go around looking that stupid? You may think we're ignoring the plot here - well, guess what there wasn't one so we're justified in focusing on the parts of the movie which will scar us forever.
  

• Knight & Day - This one should have been titled, Botox & Facelift. Are we the only ones who have noticed that Tom Cruise & Cameron Diaz seem to be unable to accept how old they are? This movie was a sad attempt to recapture lost youth and like all such attempts ends up embarrassing the folks searching for their lost youth and making the audience feel unconformable. The script is preposterous and dull at the same time (a remarkable feat) and the action scenes were all off. It's time for these two to embrace middle age.
  

• The Expendables - If ever there were an award for accuracy in movie titles - this movie would win it hands down. The whole movie is expendable, the plot is expendable, the characters are both reprehensible and expendable, the action is expendable - it was truly awful on a scale that defies description. In a previous post we noted how mental ward escapee Dolph Lungreen nearly killed Stallone while filming this monstrosity - why oh why couldn't he have killed the whole movie? If criminal penalties could be assessed to people who produce bad cinema everyone involved with this movie would be behind bars.
  

Stallone assaults his on crew during the filming of the Expendables before assaulting the American Public with one of the worst films of the year...

Our next post will be dedicated a more serious topic, to the Worst Hollywood / Celebrity hairstyles of all time...


Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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Best Celebrity Quotes of 2010

Before we give you the top 10 movies we wished we hadn't seen we're going to dazzle you with the words of wisdom from Hollywood's most interesting and disturbing people. So without further adieu, here are the best celebrity quotes of 2010, enjoy:

• If Elton John and Madonna had a baby it would be Lady Gaga.
  - Jon Bon Jovi (the best observation of the year)

• Do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer? Yeah. You know, but I'm not going to spend a lot of energy on it.
  - Sean Penn (we had forgotten how charming he can be).

• “Are you serious?” -- Lindsay Lohan's reaction to her jail sentence (duhhh)

• "Listen, everyone is entitled to my opinion." -- Madonna (no explanation necessary)

• "The internet's completely over. I don't see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won’t pay me an advance for it, and then they get angry when they can’t get it. All these computers and digital gadgets are no good. They just fill your head with numbers, and that can’t be good for you.” -- Prince (Purple Rain or Purple Haze???)

• “What would people most like to see in 3-D? Probably a naked lady.” -- HughHefner (you got to say one thing for him, he's consistent)

• "Hang on, everybody - I wanna try something I saw in a cartoon once!" from the A Team

• “I was told that Dolph had punched my rib cage into my chest, compressing my heart. If it had swollen any more, I would have died. After that, I was like, ‘Dolph, it’s only a movie, bro…’” –Sylvester Stallone on filming “The Expendables” with Dolph Lundgren (unfortunately for us, the movie was completed and released)

• "I don't know if this is too much for your magazine, but I can actually mentally give myself an orgasm." -- Lady Gaga (maybe it has something to do with the meat dress?)

• "We are requesting asylum from Hollywood star whackers." - Randy and Evi Quaid's lawyer reads out a statement during the couple's immigration hearing in Vancouver, B.C. (we intend to write a post soon entitled "Why Randy Quaid & his Wife are so Crazy.")

• "I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex."
  - Nicolas Cage says he'll only eat animals who are 'dignified' in their sexual pursuits. (and yes we're going to write a post called "Why is Nick Cage so Crazy and why doesn't he pay his taxes?")

• “I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina. But I can’t say I had no idea, because it was a 12-hour shoot, so you kind of get the picture that these women are going to stay naked after, like, five or six hours. But I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had no idea what to say to these girls. Thank God I was hung over.” —Robert Pattinson on his photo shoot with naked women (This was more insight than we ever hoped to glean from vampire boy - we are thinking of dedicating a post to the question, why doesn't Robert Pattison like Vaginas?).

• “I think parents need to beat the (expletive) outta their kids. I think the whole spanking thing and how it’s gotten all PC is for the birds. … (My dad) put me through a wall; it’s the only reason I’m still alive.” -- Pink (It's nice to see Hollywood embracing family values)

• “Everyone was so worried about who was going to want to see this movie. I remember them being like, ‘How do you get guys to a ballet movie? How do you get girls to a thriller?’ And the answer is a lesbian scene. Everyone wants to see that.” –Natalie Portman (the Empire is Dumbstruck).
  

• “Today’s ‘Sesame Street’ will not be brought to you by the number 34 or the letter D.” -- Russell Brand’s tweet in September over the controversy about his wife Katy Perry’s revealing outfit on “Sesame Street” (we are thinking of watching Sesame Street again)
  

We didn't say that they these quotes would be profound - c'mon it's Hollywood, what did you expect?


Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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Top Movies of 2010 that We Missed - part 2

It's the New Year but we still have finished our lists, so here is part 2 of the Best Films of 2010 we haven't seen yet but want to...

• Vincere - (which means victory in English) This is an Italian film about Mussolini but with a personal twist. The cinematography looks fantastic and this seems to be far the best foreign movie trailer we've seen for 2010. Although the film is in Italian it looks to be fascinating and perhaps enlightening as well - most of us only know Mussolini as a clownish caricature but there must have been more to him to get as far as he did (even if he did turn out to be a bit of a jerk).
  

The secret true story about Mussolini's other wife & rise to power

• Hubble 3D - If there are two things we love - it's space and IMAX movies. Now it just so happens that your editors were present at the original launch of the Hubble Space telescope back in 1990. And guess what this was narrated by Leonardo Di Caprio, who as we've noted seemed to be in the midst of a number of the most interesting projects in Hollywood last year - so this documentary has everything going for it.
  

• Zonad - This movie looks as crazy as the title but for a comedy we figure that's a good thing. We've always believed that Ireland was a happier place than most contemporary movies portray it and perhaps this is the proof that we needed - and of course what could be funnier than Irish space aliens?
  

Take me to your nearest pub earthlings....

• Princess Kaiulani - This is a bio-epic about the heir to Hawaii's thrown right as the United States was moving to take over Hawaii at the end of the 19th century. It certainly appears to be a compelling story, shot in both Hawaii and England.
  

• The Best Worst Movie -A documentary about what has been acknowledged to be the worst film ever-made, Trolls 2, which has now become a cult classic. For folks like us who love lists, this is a must see.

• Agora - From as far as we can tell this is the story of whoever it was who burned all the books in Alexandria (Egypt, not Virginia) way back whenever and some lady who tried to stop them. As far as we know there may have been a papyrus version of People magazine - well, that's all conjecture. The lovely and talented Rachel Weisz stars in this one and given her previous role in the Mummy series this seems like a theme she's developing...

• South of the Border - Oliver Stone & Hugo Chavez; G.W. & Fox News must have really hated this movie - that's probably good reason to see it in itself. But it appears as though Oliver got a chance to talk with multiple South American presidents - giving us a unique perspective into what's happening south of the border.
  

• True Grit - What can we say, we like the Cohen Brothers and really admire Jeff Bridges (although sometimes, like in this year's Tron, he let us down a bit). A lot of people have tried to make comparisons between John Wayne's Rooster Cogburn and Jeff Bridge's character - well, we think the difference is simple - The Duke was always playing some variation of himself in his Westerns (which worked out pretty well), Jeff tends to explore his characters a bit more, become them - instead of the other way around. We're looking forward to seeing how this works out in the new True Grit. BTW - it looks as though both Josh Brolin and Matt Damon went the extra mile on this one too...
  

The Old West was full of bearded, one-eyed vigilante marshals who shot straight
and spoke funny - or so we've heard tell...

Never fear - we're not done with our lists yet - next one will be the top ten movies we watched last year but wish we hadn't...


Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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Top Movies of 2010 that We Missed

The year isn't quite finished yet, so we have another list for you. The first of today's lists is the Top Movies of 2010 that we didn't see but wanted to. We conducted our analysis by going to movieweb.com and checking out the trailers of movies we didn't make it to this year. We like movieweb and all but having to listen to the plug for Oprah's new TV channel before every trailer clip nearly drove us insane - and where does she get off with an acronym like OWN (a bit pretentious if you ask us)?

Life's a bitch, then you get slapped

So our number 1 movie we missed that we wanted to see was "Bitch Slap." Here's the clip with the Oprah Channel plug to boot. BTW - this clip is rated R (for retarded) folks, no kids allowed!

OK, so we were kidding about this one - although this freak-fest
might make our worst movies of all time list next year (after we watch it).

Here's the real list (not presented in order or priority):

• Shutter Island - Leonardo Di Caprio had a banner year, although we didn't get to see all of it. This is a thriller, spooky, maybe sci-fi or horror and was made by Martin Scorsese. We can't wait to see and don't understand how we missed it.

Nothing could be scarier than a mental hospital, right?

• The Red Baron: Here's a guy who has had his story told a number of times, but this movie looks to be the one that did it right. The aerial combat / dogfights are almost fully computer animated but the cinematography looks spectacular. The cast looks good and as far as trailers go, this was the best one we've seen all year.

Knights of the Sky - the warring angels of WW1

• Entre Nos - This movie is based on the true story of an immigrant family that is left to fend for itself without a father in New York. It's an age old story yet made new again as each generation brings waves of immigrants to our shores seeking a better life.

A mother struggles to provide for her family and keep them together...

and now for something completely different...

• When You're Strange - Two weeks ago, Florida's governor decided to clear Jim Morrison's record (after 40 years). Who was Jim Morrison? This movie seems as though it may finally give us some insight into one of the most enigmatic figures of the 1960's.

This documentary appears to have incredible never before seen DOORs footage...

More of the movies we missed coming later today...


Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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The 10 Best Stories Never Told part 2

In our first installment of the The Top 10 Movies That Haven't Been Made Yet (but should be or need to be made better) we focused on historical figures and events. We will follow that mode with the remainder of the list but with some twists.

Number 6 - "The Godmother" The Griselda Blanco story. Most people don't know that is was Griselda and not Pablo Escobar who created the modern narco-traffic empire between North and South America - in fact she was the one who put him in business and may have been behind his death as well. There have been several somewhat goofy documentaries made which feature her story, but no one has made the movie. This is remarkable considering she was nearly single-handedly irresponsible for the drug wars in Miami that inspired the series Miami Vice. The Godmother was responsible for more murders perhaps even than Al Capone, was the first Cocaine Millionaire then Billionaire and is still on the loose (now in her native Colombia). The kicker is still around and out of jail!

The Godmother - This is another case where life is
more remarkable than fiction...

Number 7 - The Real Annie Oakley Story: Yes, there have been a lot of very superficial movies made featuring Annie Oakley, but none of them came close to telling her real story. A story that included a ten year running battle with William Randolph Hearst, a story that included making and losing a fortune and of course the story of how an Ohio farm girl (from near here in Greenville, Ohio) could become one of the most important women of her time. Our editor is a distant relation to Annie Oakley, so we're a little bit biased on this, but we still think it is a great movie waiting to happen. Here is a documentary about her on PBS...

One of the first films ever made - Annie Oakley hits the mark...

Number 8 - The Dirty War: There have been one or two movies set during Argentina's dirty war which lasted from the late 1970's to the early 1980's (finally ending when the ruling military Junta was overthrown after the Falklands / Malvinas war with Britain). Somewhere between 30,000 to 50,000 people, mainly younger folks or students were tortured and disappeared by the Right Wing government there. The story took on a unique human face through the tireless efforts of the Madres de la Plaza (Mother's of the Plaza) who protested for at least a decade and helped to bring down a corrupt and bloodthirsty regime. Our editor was in Buenos Aires in 1987, although the Junta was gone the Madres de la Plaza were still there seeking justice. A number of men were brought to justice and many children (who were stolen from people who were disappeared) were re-united with their families, but as in most nightmares like this, justice is rare and bittersweet when it does finally arrive.

Someday we may live in a world where violence and murder aren't state sanctioned, but until that day we will depend on the
courage of people like these to fight for us all...

Number 9 - The Trail of Tears: This was America's version of the Bataan death march - it happened in 1838-39 as greedy white settlers sought to remove a thriving Cherokee nation from its land in order to claim it for themselves. First the Cherokees were placed in concentration camps and then forced to march 1,000 miles on foot in the middle of Winter, at least 4,000 of them died. The Cherokees weren't the only Indian nations forced off of their land in the Southeast United States around that time, however this is perhaps the most tragic of those events. Telling this story forces us to take a hard look at American history and even some of our current policies and viewpoints.

There are some things we definitely shouldn't be proud of...

Number 10 - The Balkan Holocaust: Most of us have forgotten how bad things really got in Yugoslavia in the 1990's. Nearly 200,000 were killed in Bosnia alone as the Serbs practiced "ethic cleansing" on their Muslim neighbors. There have been a few movies on the topic, most notably the uneven "Welcome to Sarajevo" starring Ohio native Woody Harrleson. No one has yet properly addressed the topic which is even more relevant now given the growing global intolerance of the Muslim community. An interesting arc for the movie would be to view the events through the lens of the Dayton Accords - a peace process that brought the Balkins back from the edge of the abyss. Of course, embedded within this story is the story of the siege of Sarajevo - which lasted nearly a year.

Intolerance always leads to something much worse...

Sarajevo, home of the 1984 Winter Olympics
was plunged into Hell 10 years later...

Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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The 10 Best Stories Never Told

Well, the stories have been told before, but no one has ever made a decent movie out of them. It's the end of the year and we love making lists at the end of the year so we thought to ourselves, what type of useless list can we come up with today and this is it - The Top 10 Movies That Haven't Been Made Yet (but should be or need to be made better).

The other thing you should know about us is that we love history and we believe that fiction is OK but we know that there a million fantastic true stories that haven't been filmed properly yet - and those stories always seem more compelling somehow. The other thing we've noticed is that it seems the same handful of historical figures get movies made of them all the time and it's just getting boring - how many Jack the Ripper or Ceasar focused films can we take? It's kind of like the people who think they've lived a past life but they always decide they were Cleopatra or Napolean - Boring !

Here's our part 1 of list:

• The Life of Simon Bolivar - The Liberator; this man liberated half of South America from the Spanish and formed what was essentially the United States of South America (La Gran Colombia) but lived to watch it all fall apart. There was a love, revolution, political struggle - this story has got it all and in some of the world's most beautiful locations to boot.
  

Now, this guy knew how to dress!

• Learning to Fly - The Wright Brothers: Can anyone deny that this is perhaps the most amazing story never told. C'mon, these guys invented the science of aeronautics in their spare time (in their store) and went from being Bicycle shop owners to world dignitaries. They proved that anyone can change the world - and they were real. Every time we go to Carillon park (in Dayton) and visit the reproduction of their workshop it simply blows our minds.
  

They're geeks, going bald and from our hometown, Dayton - They've got it all!

• Cochise - Just imagine a handful of Apache warriors fighting off an entire nation for more than 20 years. It happened in southern Arizona at the end of the 19th century and no one has yet told this story right. The locations where it happened are beyond spectacular.
  

Quite possibly the best fighters ever produced on American soil...

• The Diary Elisha Hunt Rhodes - You may recognize the name from the remarkable civil war documentary made by Ken Burns in the 1990's for PBS. His story is what made that film so interesting. Elisha Hunt Rhodes lived through nearly every major battle of the Civil War rising in rank from private to Col. by the end of the war. If someone had made this up no one would believe it.
  

Some people have all the luck, literally...

• Oklahoma City, the 1990's - Two events happened within three years in Oklahoma City in the 1990's, the Oklahoma City Federal Building bombing and the massive assault by tornadoes at the end of the decade. We knew people who lived there and lived through both - it makes for quite a story. A possible alternative is the story of Xenia, Ohio and its tornado encounter in 1973 which destroyed more than half the city...
  

Real Life Twisters are far scarier than anything Hollywood has made up...

We will finish this list in our next post...

Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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Wall Street 2 - Money is a Bitch

According to Gordon Gecko, "money is a bitch, she sleeps in the bed with you with one eye open. Next thing you know, she might be gone forever.” Hmmm, we think we met that girl before, but she left and maxed our credit cards - what a wench. But you know what is even worse than a one-eyed bitch This movie - that's what. Wall Street 2 will go down as one of the worst films of 2010. It wasn't just bad - it was cinematically bankrupt and needed a bailout - but none came.

So here's a question to Oliver Stone? Why go a make a simply awful sequel to a truly great movie? Could it be - greed? Yes, that's it, greed is good, you've been co-opted by the ghost of Gorden Gecko in a sort of reverse Scrooge action.

There are primary three elements to any movie:

1. The premise
2. The script
3. The acting
   

In Wall Street 2 - none of these seemed to make sense. First, the premise was ridiculous, Gordon Gecko, supposedly the genius player becomes the only person other than Martha Stewart to actually get locked up for insider trading - nope, we're not buying it. Then we've got this goofy relationship thing with his daughter - the girl seems to have a terminal tear duct disorder. Whenever she's not crying like Niagara falls she looks like she's about to. Somehow, Shia Labeouf is in love with her, we assume because she's so sensitive and all and she just happens to be sitting on millions in cash. Without giving away too much - Gecko proves he's still top lizard on Wall Street but that he's also got some sort of soul too.

All the while, someone decides to provide some sort of educational overview on fusion power and the green economy. This movie was all over the place - the script was just awful and the acting followed suit. We wanted our 7 dollar per ticket investment back - but it was gone into the recession that lasted 90 minutes and never seemed to end - did we say we really hated this movie?

Oliver Stone's imagination wasn't nearly creative enough to encompass the mega-conspiracies that now characterize the real Wall Street - circa 2010.

Worst of all, though, this movie was pretentious as hell. The money is a bitch line was the opening volley in a barrage of prison meets Wall Street philosophical posturing which got downright silly pretty quick. Here are some other forgettable quotes from Wall Street 2:

• “You are the Ninja Generation. No income. No job. No assets.” (The Ninja Turtle generation to be exact)
  
• “The mother of evil is speculation.” (then who is the father?)
  
• “Greed makes the bartender buy three houses.” (Have you met any greedy bartenders?)
  
• “Bucks + Steroids = Leverage” (are they referring to Starbucks?)
  
• “The family business is payback.” (sounds like some families we know)
  
• “A fisherman always sees another fisherman from afar.” (we wonder what they talk about)
  
• “Moral hazard is when they take your money and then are not responsible for what they do with it.” (we did like this one)
  
• “Insurance is like getting kids to buy crack in the playground.” (we're really not seeing this)
  
• “Parents are the bones where children sharpen their teeth.” (good thing we're all fat now)
  
• “Are you a bee? Do you like to sting people?” (Dora does Wall Street?)
  

With wisdom like that , who needs ignorance?

Is Wall Street out of Control? You bet - at least these guys were a
bit more entertaining in how they portrayed it...

-- oh and by the way Mel Gibson is still crazy. Who knows maybe he had is money with Bernie Madoff, that might explain it.


Copyright 2010, Raving Reviews

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